If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill.

But no. Great sex does not come only from pills, props or positions.

Sure, they can help. Lots of things can help, but pills, props and positions – the Three Ps - are only the icing on the cake.

You need to know how to make a great cake before you ice it.

You need to know about making the time and the place, about surrender and sensuality, about intimacy and eroticism. That’s the starting point of great sex.

Then if you want to add a few toys or try out some new positions (and possibly even try pills or sprays to aid erection – but only under medical advice), then go for it. But a dildo on its own won’t spice up a flagging sex life.

Let’s look at something really basic to see what I mean - good ol’ fashioned missionary position: man on top, woman on bottom.

Try it like this:

• She semi-reclines on a bed of pillows wearing a silk chemise while he feeds her cherries as he moves within her;
• She moves to the side of the bed and dangles her head over the edge;
• She puts her feet on his chest;
• Or crossed behind his back;
• Or one up and one down;
• They roll off the bed and continue on a bear rug on the floor;
• She lies blindfolded, listening to music through headphones as he moves at a consistent rhythm;
• They play trance house music and move to the beat that goes on and on and on…
• Her hips are slightly raised. He kneels before her. He’s deep inside without moving and she grinds her pelvis slowly, delicately, with tiny, little movements and she feels the tingle build to a charge that spreads throughout her body;
• They lie together barely moving, looking into each other’s eyes, and keep on looking past the point of comfort until they pass into another realm;
• He changes the depth and pattern of his thrusts - four shallow to one deep;
• He increases the depth of his thrusts in a series of seven, each a little deeper than before;
• She raises herself on her arms and thrusts hard back at him as he thrusts hard into her;
• He keeps his eyes open looking at her as he comes;
• She does the same;
• He grinds his hips instead of thrusting;
• She squeezes her vaginal muscles with each of his withdrawals;
• They do it on the kitchen table, still clothed, both so hot after a luscious evening out…


And I haven’t even started on what they might be doing with their hands and mouths as this is going on.

Add passionate kisses, licks or bites to the neck, fondling and kissing of breasts, tweaking of nipples (his and hers), stimulation of clitoris with fingers, inserting of fingers into vagina along with penis (his or hers), sucking of her toes, pulling of hair, stroking of bodies in general…

So, is missionary really all that boring? Wouldn't a few subtle shifts make a such a difference...?

Download Audio: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first, I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?"

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex more holistically and what you can do as a couple to reduce any pressure he might be feeling.

But first, let’s address your question about marijuana and erections. Smoking marijuana can increase desire, which may be why he’s more interested lately (in many men though it can have the opposite effect, so readers, please don’t take up smoking pot to increase desire!). Theoretically it could adversely affect erections as there are cannabinoid receptors in the smooth muscle tissue of the penis. However, there isn’t much scientific evidence to show that this does happen.

But, and this is a big but, if he mixes the marijuana with tobacco, then the tobacco could be affecting his erections. Smoking tobacco restricts blood flow to the veins and arteries, and if there is one part of the body you want good flow to, it’s the penis! Men who smoke tobacco are much more likely to have erectile problems.

At a psychological level, some people find that smoking pot increases anxiety. So, if he’s having sex when stoned and some performance anxiety kicks in, it could be worse than if he’s sober.

On the topic of anxiety, I’m curious as to why he’s smoking so much. Is he more stressed in life? Does he feel he needs it to relax? Because if that’s the case, the underlying stress is still there even if he’s covering it by getting stoned. It’s even possible that stress is lowering his libido so he’s smoking to increase it, possibly to please you, and is indirectly putting more pressure on himself.

As you can see, there are a lot of unknowns here, so you two really need to get talking. I’d be talking to him at two levels. Firstly, why is he smoking heavily? What’s going on in life that he feels he needs it. Is there underlying stress or anxiety that he is effectively self-medicating for? Based on that discussion, you may well be able to work together to reduce his stress and that could have the outcome of a more satisfying sex life. Professional help could help him and you as a couple if this is a challenge for you.

The other important topic of discussion is: how does he feel about sex and how you engage sexually as a couple? Explore what’s going on for him throughout the varies stages of your sexual encounter. Are there moments or periods of stress? How can you support him to ease those feelings and return to a calmly engaged state? Do either or both of you have unrealistic expectations?

Get more information on what’s going on for him (and you) so that you can look at ways to do it differently. Get used to the fact that penises rise and fall, get used to making love with a soft penis. There are so many ways to have sex without an erection (hey, lesbians do it all the time!).

If you want something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, he can use his hands! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, because he’d become so skilful with his hands!

The erection, like quality sex, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock-hard cock.

You’ll find that with this attitude, paradoxically there will be less stress and therefore more erections anyway!

Download Audio: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

Download Audio: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

Answer: We’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex!Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.

It’s not surprising really. We had thousands of years of sexual suppression. In that time, we brought up our girls to know nothing about their sexuality (even today most girls grow up knowing very little – did your mother talk to you about your clitoris? Did she discuss with you how to relate to your lover for maximum pleasure?), and all the boys knew was masturbation. So, with no other information, when they got married, the husband would continue to ‘masturbate’ inside his wife’s vagina. Think about it – masturbation has three parts to it: first you have to be horny, then the main focus is the genital friction (anything else is just ‘foreplay’) and it finishes with his ejaculation. When the sexual revolution happened in the 60s and 70s, the only model of sex we had was this one, and it has stuck and if anything has become more entrenched

Throw away that masturbatory model, which is fine for solo sex, and instead embrace a model of partnered sex that focuses on pleasure, intimacy, connection, fun, and all those good things. Sex is about two people coming together and having a co-created experience. It’s not two people coming together and getting each other off. Sure, orgasms are great, but they are an outcome of sex, not the point of it.

Now back to you and your non-ejaculating boyfriend. Can you see that your question is based on the assumption that he ‘should’ ejaculate and that you ‘should’ give him that ejaculation. Yet, he says he’s loving it!

The problem here is the expectation of what it should be, rather than the enjoyment of the experience. If he’s loving it then you’re engaging in a really positive way. If he really needs to ejaculate, chances are he can do that through intercourse.

So you’re feeling bad because of the pressure you’re putting on yourself to give him an orgasm, and no doubt you’re also putting pressure on him to orgasm. If there’s one thing that gets in the way of orgasm, it’s the pressure to orgasm. If he knows that you are frustrated with his lack of orgasm, that is going to cause him pressure, which is going to make his orgasm even more unlikely.

Relax. If you’re enjoying giving him oral, and he’s enjoying receiving it, then that’s pleasure, that’s connection, that’s what partnered sex is all about. And with this approach, focusing on the experience not the outcome, you’re actually going to be more likely to have orgasm be part of that experience. No pressure though!

Download Audio: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?

Download Audio: Intercourse as Foreplay

Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

The problem with this limited view is that it assumes that:

• Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”
• Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required.

But let’s look at this differently. Let’s take a less linear view of sex and say that:

• Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and lovemaking
• Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous, so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
• Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.

Now that’s a very different point of view!

You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive. With this approach the lines between foreplay and sex blur and it all becomes part of a flow of lovemaking that changes every time and can last from moments to hours.

Gentle intercourse can start the whole sexual encounter, even without any movement at all! Having your genitals connected while gazing into each other’s eyes, or kissing, or simply lying there enjoying the feeling of genital connection - is a type of foreplay. That could be enough in itself, or it might lead on to more vigorous intercourse, or more vigorous oral or manual, or bring in toys, lie around in 69 for ages, get up and dance, chat, have a cup of tea, and then do it all again…

Anything's possible...

Create something wonderful and new every time!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:I've just turned 60 and have been married over 35 years to a very good lady who loves me, but over the years has lost interest in sex. These days, she would happily have no sex at all, and so my advances are almost entirely rebuffed. The problem is I can’t find release myself – I’m not able to masturbate (perhaps my Catholic upbringing has locked in some guilt that stops me). My question has two parts: Is having regular erections without release bad for my health (eg my prostate)? And then… what can I do? If I can’t change my wife’s mind or learn to self-pleasure, I’m afraid I’ll start looking outside my marriage."

Answer: First up, there is no conclusive scientific evidence that men need to ejaculate for their prostate health, some studies even indicate the opposite. So, let’s get that myth out of the way and turn to the more interesting part of your question. Better still, let’s turn it around and ask the real question – why sex? There are many reasons why we desire sex. Two of the main ones are: (1) we’re feeling horny and want an orgasmic release, and (2) we want to have a pleasurable, connecting experience with our beloved. Sometimes the two can happen at once, in which case if our partner is feeling similarly inclined, or can be seduced into feeling that way, then all good, we can have a lovely satisfying sexual encounter with that person.

But, if we’re feeling aroused and our partner isn’t and doesn’t want to engage, then what do we do with that arousal? Well, that’s actually our own issue, not our partner’s. A lot of people are confused about this issue, they think their partner is responsible for their sexual satisfaction. That only applies to the second kind of desire above, one where both partners are wanting to engage in a mutual encounter. If only one does, particularly if the drive is simply for orgasmic release, that’s where solo sex comes into the picture.

A healthy sex life incorporates partnered sex and solo sex. They are two different things. Solo sex is not the fall-back position when you can’t get ‘the real thing’. Partnered sex is for when you both want a mutually enjoyable encounter for pleasure and connection. Solo sex is when you are aroused and just want an orgasm, particularly if your partner doesn’t or can’t. Now, the suppression of sexuality by religion over the past few millennia has really confused a lot of people. The whole ‘masturbation will make you blind’ kind of thinking can get deep into our unconscious and make us really believe that it’s bad and make us feel guilty for wanting to touch our own bodies!

It feels good to touch our genitals. It’s relaxing and reassuring and rejuvenating! Our hands reach to exactly the right length to enable this and the dexterity of our hands and fingers means that we can give ourselves just the right kind of stimulation to provide wonderful pleasure and orgasmic release. Add to that our brilliant minds with all the memories we can recall and fantasies that we can create, and you have the perfect combination for a great solo experience that will make you feel calm and relaxed, and will no doubt also reduce the pressure you are probably putting on your wife.

Which brings me to the second part of this question – how to get your wife interested. I see so often in clinic that if one partner is very needy of sex, it pushes their partner away. Neediness and pushiness are not sexy. Pressure is the biggest turn-off. If you want your wife to join you in sexual connection, you need to entice her. You need to find out what would engage her, how she would like to be approached and what she would find pleasurable. It’s going to be a lot easier for you to do that if you’re not desperate, thanks to having a healthy solo sex life.

If you’re really struggling with this, I recommend you get support from a well-qualified Sex Therapist like myself. But see how you go and try gradually getting used to pleasuring yourself. Use your mind to involve your wife in your fantasy thoughts,, and allow yourself the pleasure of orgasmic release while imagining her involvement. Then, at a later time, have a chat with her about how you love the connection and pleasure and tenderness of making love with her, and how you would like to reinvigorate your love life in a way that would bring her satisfaction and strengthen the beautiful bond you have.

Can you see how this relaxed, mutual, and enticing approach will be more likely to engage her in conversation and through that to cuddles, kisses and beyond!