What happens in a sex and relationship therapy clinic? What cases are discussed? What insights are uncovered?

Well, now you can be a 'fly on the wall' with my new video series - Fly on the Wall Friday!

In this series I reflect on cases I've seen through the week at the LoveLife Clinic and share insights from them, to inspire you in your own love life.

The first seven episodes in the series are:

1.  The Case of the Missing Partners

In episode one I compare two cases where two men were sent to me by their wives to 'fix' their sexual problems. The outcome was very different in each case, depending on the attitude of the wives...

2.  The Case of the Missing Libido

In episode two I discuss the case of one partner of a same-sex female couple who, like so many clients I see, had 'lost her libido'. In solving this case, we look at issues like: what is libido, how arousal does not equal desire, and the difference between spontaneous and responsive arousal.

3.  The Case of the Disembodied Clients

In episode three I discuss two cases of clients who weren't 'in their body' and therefore weren't engaged with their sexuality. In solving these cases we look at the two types of disconnection - being in your head and judging your body - and ways to become embodied.

4.  The Case of the Obligation Sex

In episode four I discuss two cases of clients who engaged sexually from obligation rather than from true desire. One case is a married woman who was engaging with her husband out of duty and the other was a woman who started a sexual encounter with a friend and then felt she couldn't back out part-way through. In solving these cases we look at how submitting to a sexual encounter if it's not truly what you are wanting is a type of sexual trauma. Of the fight, flight, freeze or befriend trauma responses, it's the last one, which is very common in sexual encounters. It's not dramatic trauma, but it is trauma, and often it is cumulative trauma.

5.  The Case of the Client who "Got It"

In episode five we look at the case of a client who after many months of working with me with her husband, came in one day saying she 'Got it!'. She realised what it is to be in touch with her sexuality, let go of the heavy weight of obligation and felt free to be herself! It's a great story

6.  The Case of the Clients who Created Time and Space for Intimacy

In episode six we look a case where a couple became intentional about their sexual intimacy and how they were able to purposefully create both the physical space and create the time for it.

7.  The Case of the Clients who Saw Each Other as Lovers

In episode seven we look at a case where a couple learned to override the brain's tendency to get complacent with well-known things - like a partner - and to see each other more intentionally. Not just as housemates and co-parents, but as lovers.

They are all fascinating and illuminating videos - so subscribe and watch them all on my YouTube Channel Jacqueline Hellyer! 

Close your eyes. Take a breath in, exhale slowly and sink into your body. Keep breathing slowly and gently and allow your mind to wander around the inside of your body.

What do you notice? What do you feel? Is there a sense of comfort, ease, contentment? Do you feel at home in your body?

We really are turtles, carrying our ‘home’ around with us. We inhabit our bodies. We travel through life in our bodies. We experience existence through our bodies.

Yet how comfortable do we feel in this “home”? So many people don’t. They are disconnected from their body. There are two main reasons for this.

Firstly, through being too much ‘in our heads’. Prioritising thinking over feeling, the brain over the body. These people live their lives in their heads, they are a head walking around with a body ‘down there somewhere’. There is little integration. These people rely on their brains, yet by being disconnected from their bodies, they aren’t getting the information their brains need to be in the world. This leads to anxiety at worst, and a reduction in pleasure and enjoyment at best.

The second reason is when people have negative emotions associated with their body. Unlike the first type who are in their heads and not feeling their bodies, this second type aren’t in their bodies because they are observing their bodies from the outside. With this external observation comes a great deal of judgement and with that feelings of shame and disgust, even loathing.

Both attitudes to the body are completely understandable in our society, where we separate mind from body, lauding cognition over feeling. And where for so many centuries the body was seen as base and bad, particularly the female body. Add to this the fact that bodies are judged on how they look, particularly female bodies. If you don’t look a certain way, your body is bad and wrong and you should be ashamed of it. So we ‘look at’ our bodies with judgemental eyes rather than feeling into our bodies.

When you can truly inhabit your body, it feels so good! To be able to do this though can be a process. There may well be psychological processes in order to understand why you are disconnected, where those messages and beliefs came from that led you to being separate. And there are somatic processes to enable you to re-enter your body, to live from the inside out. I say re-enter, because you were certainly in your body as an infant and small child. The separation came over time.

The simplest, yet most powerful, way to reconnect with your body is to breathe, and to notice the feeling of breathing in your body. Add to that body scans, where you slowly allow your mind to wander through your body. You can start at your toes and move up, or you can direct your mind to certain parts and go from there.

If there are parts of the body that have a negative charge associated with them, if you don’t want to go there or it feels bad when you are there, that’s ok, simply pay a short visit and send love from your heart. All it means is that part of your body has been the recipient of negative energy during your lifetime. It’s time to heal it gently, start to love it again, to reintegrate it into your mind and being.

The more you inhabit your body, the more you sense in the world. Simple, subtle things bring more ease and joy. You feel and enjoy your body moving, the senses are heightened, you enjoy tastes and smells, sounds and sights, touch. And certainly physical, sexual pleasure is greater – not through intensity but quite the opposite, through savouring the gentle, soft, rich. Very little is needed for a depth of feeling that is deep and rich and blissful. Sex becomes not something that you ‘do’ or that is ‘done to’ you. It is something that is experienced on the inside, with a letting go and openness to the feeling that wells from the inside.

This is living , and loving, in a state of mindful embodiment. Living and loving not just mindfully, but bodyfully.

I was talking to a female client recently who has become very sex averse. As she described her sexual history, I pointed out that it sounded like she’d been engaging in obligation sex with her husband for a long time and therefore had been subjecting herself to low-level sexual trauma.

“Oh, no” she immediately replied, “I consented to it.”

 She paused.

 I waited.

Then she softly added: “But not on the inside.”

She realised that she was ‘consenting’ to sex due to external pressures. She thought it was something she should do and so agreed to do. But in fact, on the inside, she was screaming a big “NO”.

And because she wasn’t wanting it, she wasn’t enjoying it, so it became a traumatic experience, which of course led to her never wanting it, ever, ever again.

What I find so interesting is that this is a highly educated professional woman. I see this so often. Women who in all other areas of life are independent and assertive and empowered, but who when it comes to sex, fall into the old patriarchal trope that sex is something a man does to a woman and her only options are to succumb or run. Either she goes along with his expectations (or what she thinks are his expectations) or she says ‘no’, either directly or more passively by avoiding any possibility of it happening.

And it’s not only something women experience with their male partners, I also see plenty of men who dutifully perform sex even though they don’t really want to, or who avoid the possibility of it happening. And I see it frequently in same sex couples.

So regardless of the gender and orientation of the couple, the problem is the lack of co-creation. Without that mutuality, there is no intimacy, there is no connection, and so the sex is at best mundane and at worst traumatic.

Whenever you find yourself asking: “What do I think my partner is wanting and how can I meet that real or supposed need?” – it’s going to be bad.

The question you need to ask yourself is: “What am I feeling right now? What I am wanting right now?”

Once you’ve identified that (and if you’re not used to paying attention to your own feelings that might not be easy), then you need to share it with your partner.

That sharing of yourself is a vulnerable, intimate act. So therefore it’s also scary and not easy if you’re not practiced at it. But that vulnerability and intimacy, that sharing of self,  is the precursor to quality sex and love-making. Without it you are not present to the engagement and it just becomes your body doing things or having things done to it, which to repeat my point above, makes sex either mundane at best or traumatic at worst.

In contrast, when both people are in touch with what they are feeling and wanting, and when both are sharing that, then the couple can co-create experiences that are good for both of them moment-by-moment.

Now sometimes, it is true, there may be disappointment if one person wants something that the other doesn’t; and there may be times where we might give things a go even if we’re not sure we’re into it at that moment – but always knowing that we  can change our minds, redirect the encounter, or bring it to a close at any time. So this sharing of self and co-creating is not some idealised version of sex where it’s all perfect and there aren’t any wobbly moments. Not at all. Sex, like the rest of life together, means there will be difference – whether it’s difference in what you want for dinner, how you want to spend the holidays, how frequently you want to visit the in-laws, etc, etc.

It’s never a ‘perfect flow’. But it is real and authentic and in that is freedom and creative expression from both sides. That is consent on the inside, and that is what makes for quality experiences.

Consider sex an energy rather than a behaviour. Just as we can sense love, and feel the energy of love with our hearts, the energy of sex is the same. With sex though, the energy comes from our pelvis, our sexual centre. 

But it’s not the ‘horny’ sense of sexual arousal, with an energy that wants to leave the body. That’s part of sex, sure. But the true sexual energy is a vital, life-giving force that rises upwards in the body, keeping us young and enlivened. When you let the sexual energy rise in this way, and combine it with your love energy, it becomes a beautiful potent energy that you can share with your partner all throughout your life. It connects you, nourishing your relationship and keeping an erotic flow going between you. This can be cultivated in myriad small ways of looks, smiles, acts of sweetness, through to longer friendly, intimate and sexual encounters. You feel it when you are together and also when you are apart.

After attending one of my couples retreats, one man described this as though their connection was “a frequency that had shifted from AM to FM”.

More recently, a male client described it as ”a lingering sense of each other”, which I think is a particularly beautiful and poetic way to describe this energtic connection.

It’s a sense of comfort, with a touch of yearning and vitality. With this “lingering sense of each other” the whole of your life together becomes sex. This gorgeous potent energy is always flowing between you. 

Download Audio: A Lingering Sense of Each Other

The Netflix series Bridgerton has been hugely popular. This Regency-era romance series has had audiences rivetted by both the slow burn courting as well as the quality sex scenes.

I've been interviewed twice by journalists on the show – one on the romance side, which you can read here, and one on the sex side, which you can read here.

I was more than happy to do the interviews, because even though I found the storyline itself pretty light and trite (spoiler alert – she gets her man!), there are some good takeaways from the show.

Firstly, and traditionally, there is great inspiration in the way the couples court. It is slow and subtle, yet builds up an incredible erotic charge. As I’m quoted saying in the first article:

"Even if it's just a nice kiss on the cheek – you can still do that in an erotic way. I think Bridgerton showed us just how erotic the bare minimum can be, especially when these days people think they have to be naked and doing all sorts of crazy things on the first date. Energetic frisson is incredibly powerful and something we’ve really lost lately. It's the building of anticipation and sexual chemistry without doing anything overt."

Secondly, and more contemporarily, the sex scenes are excellent. To quote myself in the second article:

"We're starting to see sex portrayed differently on TV. Sex as art, sex as love, sex as something meaningful ... it's not porn, which is simply entertainment that can tap into the unresolved issues we have around sex."

The journalist was intrigued by what I meant by meaningful, quality sex. My reply was:

"In a 'bad' example it’s all about the sex and not about the connection. What we see in Bridgerton is a very deep connection between the lovers. We see the progression of the lovemaking, right from the frisson … often in movies they are up against the wall, not even looking at each other. Good sex happens between two sets of eyes, two sets of lips, two entire bodies."

Rather than the standard intense passion quickly moving to intercourse, shows such as this one as well as Outlander and Sense8 are showing better quality sex scenes (I'm sure there are others, those are two that I've seen). These scenes show the intricacies of sexual engagement: the connection between the partners, the lead-up to the genital engagement, a slower build, male partners pleasuring female partners, manual and oral pleasuring not just intercourse. You can see that it’s not just about 'getting off' but much more about tenderness and love and pleasure.

I sometimes get clients saying they want to have sex 'like on Outlander', so I encourage the couple to watch the sex scenes together and describe what it is about what they are seeing that is so erotic and appealing. It can really help a couple convey their sexual desire to each other. Often the subtleties can be hard to explain, often it's about what’s not happening as much as what is, so watching and pointing out what is being experienced is a great way to share and understand….and then practice!

Download Audio: The Bridgerton Effect

Download Audio: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In-the-moment and the Debrief

Download Audio: What I Desire

This is the text of a talk I gave at Generation Woman, about "What I Desire":

The simplest way to describe me is as a Sex Geek. I am fascinated by sex and love and intimacy in all its aspects – the physical, emotional, mental, social, anthropological and the spiritual. So, when it comes to talking about desire, well, that’s what I do all day. But it’s other people’s desire, or the concept in general; I rarely talk about my own, publicly, so this is a little different for me. And when I’m talking to an audience of women it’s usually for two days at a time, not five minutes. 

So, how do I talk about a topic I have dedicated my life to exploring, in five minutes, in a personal way…?

Well, given that people are always asking me how I became a sex therapist, I thought I’d start with how my desire for desire started. And if a shamanic journey I went on a few years ago is to be believed, it all started several lifetimes ago when I was a Tibetan lama, exploring how sexual energy can be used for spiritual growth – but ended up inadvertently traumatising a bunch of women, and slunk off in abashed horror and didn’t touch the subject again. In that experience, on that other plane of time and space, I was in a circle of those women, and had to bow down to each one and ask forgiveness, and I received it, as a blessing. It was beautiful. It explains why this time, in this plane of time and space, I’m a woman, have always understood the power of sexuality, but had, until that experience, felt some reluctance to express it – this stuff is dangerous!

But, a little more prosaically, and looking at this life-time, I cast my mind back 15 years, not long after my third child was born. It was at a social event for the parents at my eldest child’s school. There was a couple there; the woman had sadly been widowed the year before and she was there with her new boyfriend. They were obviously in the throes of new love and people were teasing them with comments of ‘enjoy it while it lasts’, ‘It never lasts’ and so forth. 

Well, I’d had a few drinks and piped up with ‘What do you mean? My husband and I are having the best sex we’ve ever had!’ The group went quiet, there were stunned faces all around, and then there was a rush of comments; ‘How can you say you’re having the best sex you’ve ever had? You’ve got three kids. You’ve got a baby for christssake – how can you be having any sex, let alone the best sex ever?!”

The penny dropped – I realised that all those jokes about sex getting bad in long-term relationships were actually true. This was people’s grim reality. Oh my god, these people needed help! So, I wrote a book for parents, Great Sex After Kids, did a master’s degree in sexual health to qualify as a sex therapist, and haven’t looked back.

It’s been an amazing 15 years, following my passion. My marriage ended not long after. ‘Can’t you just be normal?’ pleaded my rather boring husband, “Ah, no,” I replied. We’d always had a great sex life, but there started an even more amazing journey of discovery, depth and richness. I wish I had several hours to tell you some of my experiences, so that you could really understand how awesome it is to be a sexually empowered woman!

But I don’t, so I want simply to say that my desire is that all women, all people in fact, (but tonight’s about us), that all women become sexually empowered. 

We’re only just coming out of the dark ages of female sexual suppression, and we’re all a bit confused about it. We had thousands of years under the patriarchy, with  female sexuality being solely used to satisfy men’s sexuality. You were either the good girl or the bad girl. If you were the good girl, the purpose of your sexuality was to make offspring for your husband to continue his family line, and if you were the bad girl, the purpose of your sexuality was to provide pleasure for him – and never the twain would meet. The peak of this suppression was the Victorian era, just 120 years ago. At that time, it was medical dogma that women were not sexual and had no sexual feelings or responses.

But that’s all back-to-front! My secret for you women here tonight, and take this knowledge deep into your souls, deep into your wombs, is that women are more sexual than men. Our sexual response is broader, richer, greater than a man’s. Even Masters and Johnson, the original sex researchers back in the 1950’s, said that women’s sexual response far outweighs men’s. 

And this is my second secret to you. I’ve spoken in intimate detail to thousands of men about their sex lives and I always ask them the question: what do you love most about sex? What they all reply, even the dick-heads, is: her pleasure. A man cannot truly enjoy sex if his partner isn’t enjoying it. Men do not like the feeling of masturbating inside their partners. 

I have a men’s panel at my women’s workshop, where the participants can ask a panel of five or six men anything at all. Recently someone asked them what it feels like when their penis is inside a vagina. Well, they all looked like they were having a beatific vision, then one said, ‘It feels pathetically grateful!’ and they all looked at each other and nodded.

The penis is not an instrument of oppression. It only is if you feel oppressed. If you feel empowered, it is an instrument of love and pleasure. When you invite that instrument of love and pleasure deep into your vagina, when you embrace it with your warmth and softness and hold it deep, right up into your womb-space, that most powerful and sacred place in the entire universe, that place where the mystery of life is created, that space which only women have. When you invite him there, when you hold him there, in heaven, you allow him to soften, to release all the sexual baggage that men also hold, you allow pure, rich pleasure, a pleasure that makes us porous to love.

‘What the world needs now is love’. ‘Make love not war’. ‘Follow your bliss’. All these slogans from the 60’s, the decade of my birth, are true. It took half a century from the Victorian era to get to that realisation, and it’s taken another half to progress to getting to the #metoo and now the Gillette movements. It’s not that long, really, considering the patriarchy was around for three thousand years or more.

What we need, my sexy sexual sisters, is not continuing a war between the sexes; we’re not from Mars and Venus, we’re all from Earth. We’ve got to break out of this patriarchal mode of thinking that men are still somehow controlling our sexuality and own our sexuality. Own it from the inside. It’s not just about the sex act, it’s about feeling this powerful, creative, joyful energy that is inside all of us, and letting it flow.

That is my desire.