…which means it’s not “getting each other off”.

Solo sex is about having an orgasm, experimentation, self-education or any number of things, but it’s not about sharing.

Partnered sex is about sharing pleasure.

OK.

Maybe not necessarily all the time.

Sometimes you do want partnered sex to be a nice quickie with a satisfying orgasm, just as solo sex can be about languid pleasure rather than a quick jerk-off to orgasm.

However, too many people seem to think that sex is all about giving their partner an orgasm. Time and time again clients tell me that if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm then they themselves feel inadequate. Given that the media is always going on about orgasms, it’s not surprising that people fall for this misconception.

And of course, orgasms are great! But that’s not why you have sex with someone else. If you want just an orgasm, do it yourself! It’s generally quicker and less complicated.

The whole point of having a partner is to connect.

It’s the connection that gives the sexual encounter meaning and deeper satisfaction. If your focus is orgasm, then effectively you’re just masturbating with each other. Now that’s fine some of the time, but it gets dull and meaningless if that’s all you do.

If you think of sex as: “I give you an orgasm and then you give me an orgasm”, that’s not lovemaking, that’s tit-for-tat, that’s trade, that’s a market transaction. Sex is not a competitive sport or a performance. Sex is not: “You scratch my back (or penis or clitoris) and I’ll scratch yours”.

Sex is an expression of desire, or an expression of love, or an expression of self – preferably all three!

Sex in humans has the dual function of pleasure and bonding. Sex generally does the pleasure thing - including the possibility of orgasms – although it doesn’t have to. But sex will never take you to the bonding part if you’re both in your heads hoping to “get it right” and needing orgasms to prove that you’ve done it right. In fact, you’re less likely to get the pleasure part if either of you are so hung up about performance and outcome that you’re suffering from performance anxiety and you either can’t function or can’t feel.

To get the happy hormones flowing you have to let go and play! Surrender to the experience and let whatever unfolds unfold. Let your sexual encounters be wandering journeys into pleasure, rather than structured performances with Key Performance Indicators!