The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


Love in the Time of COVID-19

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 29, 2020



Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote the acclaimed novel 'Love in the Time of Cholera'. Now I'd like to write about 'Love in the Time of COVID'.

It would be easy to say there are more important things to focus on right now, but what is more important at this time than love and relating? And what better time to bring this to the fore, than now, when we are isolating ourselves?

So many of my clients say that they don't have time to connect. They are either too busy, too stressed or exhausted - and their relationships and intimacy suffer as a consequence. With this crisis, we can't be busy (except for our wonderful health professionals who are working so hard to protect us). A client case from this week exemplifies this. They'd had to cancel their overseas wedding scheduled for next month. As sad as this was, there was also a feeling of time and space, time to stop being so incredibly rushed and overwhelmed. Time to refresh and rejuvenate. Time to let their souls catch upread more...



Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 22, 2020

 From my column in Body+Soul

Question
: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?" 

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex more holistically and what you can do as a couple to reduce any pressure he might be feeling. read more...



Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 15, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

AnswerWe’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex! Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.  read more...



Meditate Your Way to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 08, 2020

 Photo by theformfitness from Pexels

To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.

One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting in to sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people are in need of. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.

So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex. read more...



Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Like Kissing - what to do?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 01, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: My husband of 10 years and I have recently started seeing a marriage counsellor, and I feel like she’s on his side, and our sex life is ruined because of it. Why? Because my husband doesn’t like to kiss deeply, and the counsellor says he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. Kissing has always been a point of contention in our relationship, because I love a good, deep kiss and it seems to me like a cornerstone in sexual intimacy. But now he’s flat-out refusing, and is very smug about it. We started seeing a counsellor because we had drifted apart. Is this the final straw to make me end our marriage completely?

Answer: This is why you should always see a couples therapist who is trained in sexuality as well as relationships. This situation is far more complex than ‘he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to’. Can you imagine going to a dietitian because your health was bad, in part because you don’t eat vegetables and being told by the dietitian that you don’t have to eat vegetables if you don’t want to? That would be absurd! We know that vegetables are an essential part of a good diet and no authority on the subject would tell someone they don’t have to eat them simply because they don’t like them. Quite the opposite, the dietitian would explain why vegetables are so important to good health and investigate why you don’t like vegetables and discuss ways that vegetables could be made more appealing.

So, I am going to be your ‘dietitian’ of love, because kissing is like the ‘vegetables’ of intimacy. Without kissing your relationship is lacking essential ‘nutrients’. Research has shown that couples who kiss frequently have better relationship satisfaction, less stress and lower cholesterol. read more...



Communing - deep intimate connection

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 23, 2020



This is a great word that I like to use when talking to couples about how to relate to each other and get in the mood for love-making.

That word is “communing”.

The dictionary defines the verb “commune” as:

  • To share one's intimate thoughts or feelings with someone or something;
  • To feel in close spiritual contact with someone or something.
 read more...



Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 16, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we are really happy. Our sex life is fun and experimental, but up until this point monogamous. We’ve shared fantasies about bringing a man (and woman) into bed with us during sex. That’s great, but I think the real thing could be even better. She’s keen but worried about getting jealous. What are some ground rules for a good threesome so that everyone’s happy?  read more...



On Being A Human in a Female Body

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 09, 2020



At my last Couples Retreat in Bali I made the comment to some participants that I don't feel like a woman, I feel like a human in a female body. The shocked reaction came back: "But you're so womanly, you're gorgeous, the epitome of being female, a veritable goddess!"

Which I have to say was definitely very flattering, if a little excessive!

But actually I believe the reason I come across as so "womanly" is that I have balanced my yin and yang, my masculine and feminine, within myself. I simply feel 'human' and then I inhabit a female body. And I have to say I love having a female body! But you know, if I had a male body, I'm not sure I'd feel that different, and I'm sure I'd love having a male body. Because being human and having a body is a pretty cool thing when you think about it. Miraculous actually. read more...



Q&A: How Do We Connect After So Much Stress?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, February 02, 2020



From my column in Body+Soul


Question
: I was wondering if you could help me reconnect with my husband as we’re both super stressed from this bushfire season. We live on the South Coast of NSW and our house has been extremely close to the bushfires – over the summer we’ve been evacuated a few times. We’ve been in a state of high stress for a couple of months now, and it’s taken a big toll on our relationship. It feels like my husband has switched to survival mode and can’t or won’t switch back, so there’s no room for emotional or physical intimacy. Is this normal? What can I do?  read more...



Get A Life! Your Sex Drive Needs the Dopamine

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, January 26, 2020



The neurotransmitter dopamine makes us feel good and positive and upbeat. When we have healthy levels of dopamine we have a positive outlook on life and have energy and motivation - and a better sex drive!

When dopamine levels are low we feel sluggish and down, the world is grey and everything is an effort - including sex.

To increase your sexual desire you need to do things that increase your dopamine levels. read more...



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