In the Tantric and Taoist traditions, it's often recommended that men should abstain from ejaculating, which is a challenging concept for modern men!
 
I believe it’s not about you should or shouldn’t, but how you orgasm. So here are some thoughts from a man who practices mindful lovemaking and agrees with me that it's not what you do but how you do it. 

“I find my orgasms to be very different from before, very meaningful. I feel grounded, very complete and even more connected during and after the ejaculation.
 
 “Everything leading up to the orgasm - our interaction, the setting of the room, the approach to foreplay and all the stages, it doesn’t matter how long we make love for, at the point of orgasm it’s just completely different.
 
 “Before, it was more a carnal thing, there wasn’t so much intimacy and connection. At the moment of orgasm, I felt disconnected. It was a big release, then ‘I’m done.’
 
 “Now at the point of ejaculation it’s like, ‘Hey!’ I come even closer. We’re even more connected. I feel: this is amazing, ‘Wow! This is a whole different level! I don't want to pull out, I don’t want to be disconnected from that moment.’
 
 “Most of my energetic experiences happen after the ejaculatory orgasm. The real orgasm, the whole-body orgasm, the energy surges, happen after the ejaculation.
 
 “It’s like a passage, a door that opens, bang, into a new place, leading deeper and deeper into the experience.
 
 “And afterwards I feel rejuvenated, alive, like I’ve had a recharge. It’s not draining like it was before. I don’t want to roll over and go to sleep. I want to get up and conquer the world! Or at least talk and snuggle and keep the connection going.
 
 “It makes me whole.” 
 
 Such is the value of greater connectedness and the Tantric approach to sex. 

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm.

So, who’s right? Should we or shouldn’t we? Is it more healthful/spiritual/ecstatic/pleasurable/fulfilling to come or not to come?

Well, to me it’s less about whether you come or not, and much more about how you come.

You see, nothing in life is black and white, particularly when it comes to sex.

To believe that we shouldn’t come is as limiting as believing that you have to come.

I certainly encourage everyone to move away from the mindset, firmly entrenched in the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex: that sex is about a sexual excitation that has to result in an explosive genital orgasm. I definitely encourage people to expand their sexual repertoire and explore styles of love-making that don’t lead to orgasm.

The ‘orgasm at all costs’ approach to sex is very limiting and not always satisfying. Having explosive genital orgasms can be debilitating and can lead to feelings of emptiness and either neediness or distance afterwards. The big ‘O’ is not the holy grail of sex.

It’s actually very liberating to open yourself to the reality that there are many ways to approach sex and to realise that making love in a way that doesn’t lead to or require orgasms, can be just as satisfying, if not more so, than sex with orgasm.

However, to then extend that argument to say that orgasm itself is ‘bad’ and that we shouldn’t orgasm at all, is falling into the either-or trap.

Orgasms are a natural part of being human and having orgasms can be a highly beneficial thing.

If the orgasms aren’t beneficial, if they do leave you feeling drained, distant, grumpy, needy, then the problem isn’t ‘orgasm’, the problem is the way you orgasm.

If you see orgasm as just part of sex, not the point of sex, and certainly not the end-point, then you can play with the orgasmic experience. You can use orgasm to take you deeper and further. You can experience orgasm in different forms, not just genital. You can orgasm in different parts of your body, you can experience it throughout your whole body, you can feel different kinds of energies and sensations, it can be brief or it can last for minutes or longer, you can enter into orgasmic ‘states’ where you feel the bliss for very long periods of time.

To experience orgasm in this way you need to approach love-making in a non-linear way. This means you go with the flow of what feels right at each and every moment. There are no ‘shoulds’, there is no expectation, there is no defined sequence.

When you approach sex like this it doesn’t matter whether you have no orgasm, one orgasm, many orgasms or whether you enter a blissful orgasmic state where you don’t know if you’re orgasming or not because it just feels soooo good.

I call this Third-Level Love-Making: it’s not just genital excitation, the ‘peaks’ of sex, it’s not just love and spiritual connection, the ‘valleys’ of sex: it’s all and everything. If orgasm is part of that, great, if it’s not, great. If it’s real, true, an authentic expression of self - it’s all great!

Once you've been practicing the basic exercises for a while, you should feel a change in your pelvis, feeling more present and connected to your genital region. This is a good thing. 

Give your pelvic floor a squeeze now, notice how it connects you to your pelvic area. Breath into your belly and do some more squeezes, nice and relaxed.
 
 Let’s look at some advanced pleasures. 

Connect with your Pelvis.The first advanced pleasure is simply that - to connect with your pelvis. So many people are disconnected from their pelvises. Increasing the connection will help men last longer and men and women to have better orgasms.
 
Recharge Yourself. You can also use your pelvic floor to draw energy up your body, to recharge yourself. Visualise an energy centre in your pelvis. It could be a flame, a cloud of electricity, a pulsing gem, whatever comes to mind. Then as you squeeze and relax, keeping your breath low and calm, imagine that with the squeezes you are drawing energy up your body, either up your spine or up your middle.
 
 Please note that if you’re doing a lot of energy raising in this way, it’s important that you also lower and centre the energy at the end of your practice. All you need to do is put your hands on your belly and visualise the energy you’ve raised sinking back down.
 
Extend Sexual Pleasure. Do this when you’re masturbating, drawing up the energy when you’re highly aroused but before you orgasm. Notice how that can heighten the pleasure and hold off the orgasm. Then do it after you’ve come, and notice how it can extend the yummy orgasmic feelings and allow them to flow through your whole body, not just your genitals.
 
Share Energy with your Partner. Do this with your partner. Sit cross-legged facing each other, gazing into each other’s eyes and draw the energy up. Do it holding hands, do it with your left hand on your own chest and your right hand covering your partners left hand over their chest. Notice any feelings and sensations that arise within you and between you.
 
Massage the Penis with your Vagina. Do it with your partner when the penis is in the vagina, no thrusting. Ladies, give your partner’s penis a good cuddle with your vagina, stroke it with your muscles, give it a massage. This is one of the more fun ways to strengthen your pelvic floor. As your muscles become more toned, he’ll be able to feel a lot more from the vagina stroking.
 
Last Longer
. Guys, to last longer when you’re inside your partner’s lovely vagina, you need to be very present in your penis, very connected to your penis and through it to her. Switch off your brain and feel with your penis. Use your pelvic floor muscles to keep your focus there. And as described above, draw the sexual energy away from the end of your penis back into your body when you feel the excitement build too high.
 
 It’s a powerful thing, the pelvic floor. When combined with belly breathing, it really does: 

• Centre you 
• Connect upper and lower body
• Allow for energy flow within the body (and prevents energy ‘leaks’)
• Provide more blood flow and oxygen to the pelvis
• Improve sexual pleasure and orgasm

And because of all that it keeps you youthful and vital.
 
 So, squeeze away! 

Once you’ve navigated your partner’s vagina and got to know the G, A and Ohh Spots a little better let’s look at how you can stimulate all those good spots for maximum effect.

 Before you get anywhere near her genitals though, make sure your partner is well and truly aroused and wanting your fingers to enter. 

Remember, it’s about invitation not penetration! 

The G-Spot:

Insert a finger, run it along the corrugated ridge that’s her urethral sponge until you get to the end, hook your finger on the edge and pull back towards her vaginal opening. A tickling type of movement might be enough, or you may need to be quite firm. Try it with one finger initially and then try it with two, either pulling with both fingers together, or waggling your fingers so they alternate stroking that point. You can also try rubbing around or stroking across the spot. 

She may find the sensation unpleasant initially, with an urge to pee, in which case ask her to relax and have a sense of pushing out with her vaginal muscles. Build up to this though, try a few pulls then relax, a few more. Don’t expect her to love it in the first session, or even the first few sessions. It might even be that she’ll never like the G-Spot, but she might, so that’s no reason not to try. 

The A-Spot:

My personal favorite! Straighten your finger and push directly in and up (I like it a little to my left) on to the vaginal wall on the tummy side of the cervix. You can poke in quite firmly there. Try two fingers as well as one. Again, you can also rub or stroke the area, side to side or round and round, or you can waggle your fingers so they’re tickling gently or prodding quite firmly. Try it with your fingers together and slightly apart. 

Again, it may take some time for her to get used to the sensation, it can be pretty overwhelming and intense initially. Always err on the side of caution and start gently, building up in intensity. 

The Cervix:

On our way to stimulating the O-spot I have to mention stimulating the cervix. You need to go around the cervix to find the O-spot on the other side. So, while you’re there, go around and around the cervix a few times with one or two fingers and see how she likes that! 

The O-Spot:

Directly opposite the A-spot on the rear side of the vagina behind the cervix on the vaginal wall is the O-spot - or O-region really. There’s an open cul-de-sac type of space and you can stimulate the whole area with circular rubs, back and forth strokes, rhythmic pushes, and little waggling tickle-like movements. You can also do circular movements around and around between the back of the cervix (so you’re stroking the cervix itself) and the O-region of the vaginal wall. 

Multi-spot Stimulation:

Once you’ve got the hang of focusing on specific spots or areas, you can put it all together. By inserting two or three fingers simultaneously you can: 

1. Swirl your fingers around and around the vagina at different depths: 

• Firstly, just a knuckle-depth or so in, so you’re stimulating the urethral sponge (the corrugated ridge), with a bit of a tug on the G-spot as you go past the end.
• Then do the swirl deeper in so you’re going around the cervix, either with the pressure onto the cervix, or with the pressure onto the vaginal walls, and therefore onto the A and O areas, or alternating the direction of the pressure (continued pressure on the cervix can become too much).

2. Waggle your fingers: Do an alternate “come hither” tugging-type movement with two fingers from the A-spot to the G-spot along the front wall of her vagina. 

• Waggle your fingers alternately up and down at different depths and with your fingers different distances apart.
• Turn your hand to the side and waggle your fingers side to side across the vagina at different depths.
• Waggle your fingers together, apart or together, as though you’re “scratching” the walls of the vagina. Start with your hand facing towards her back, then start rotating your hand, moving in and out so you’re “scratching” up and down and all around her vagina.

 3. Swirl and waggle simultaneously. 

4. Add some rubs and strokes and prods or pulses with your fingertips as you swirl and waggle. 

Whew! 

Does all that sound a bit complicated? Then build up to it. Pay attention to where you’re touching and what you’re doing, and her reaction to it. Make sure you’re following her response. Every vagina is different, and every woman is different, and every woman and her vagina responds differently at different times. So, the Master of Manual Stimulation knows that he can’t assume a particular technique will always work. He has to be very attuned to the woman. 

The Master Stroke: Add the clitoris

Now, to be a true Master of Manual Stimulation, you need to add the other hand and stimulate her clitoris on the outside. With one hand on the inside working all those lovely vaginal spots, your other hand will be stimulating her clitoris. 

To build up to this level of skill, alternate internal and external, either with the same hand or alternate hands. You need to be competent with the individual hands to be able to bring the two together. 

 When you’ve got both hands going it really is like playing your partner like a musical instrument. And just as a Master Musician is completely at one with his instrument, so do you need to be at one with your partner. Then the “music” you create will be sublime. 

To learn more about mastering sex, enrol in my online sexual mastery course for men Black Belt in the Bedroom!

I received a passionate response from a man in relation to my recent blog post: “Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Girl”: 

"... "And importantly, they don’t ‘do’ anything to catch a man, rather they allow him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver..." And yet a man presumably cannot just know his own value and worth and let women prove themselves to him? Sorry, you do write wonderful articles, but I think I might be saying something that all men feel these days, but don't know how to express.”
 
 He makes a good point, and I agree. That blog was written in response to a specific question about whether strong successful women can be feminine, so was written focusing on women. Let me look at the situation from both points of view.
 
 For so long our society has devalued the feminine and lauded the masculine. Which meant that for centuries we had an overly dominant masculine, one that was very patriarchal, all about control and dominance; and we had an overly weak feminine, one that was pathetic, weak, and dependent.
 
 With the social changes of the 1970s women rightly declared that they were sick of being second-class citizens, they declared they were as good as men and set out to prove that they could be just like men.
 
 This gained women more social equality, which is good, but it did nothing to raise the value of the feminine. What happened was that women bought into the existing patriarchal paradigm of dominant masculine and weak feminine and became like dominant - or more accurately, domineering - men. There was no raising of the value of the feminine, no strengthening of the feminine within women, so that men and women could be equal but different. It became “equal and same” and yet the masculine was still dominant.
 
 Fortunately, there has been a realisation that this situation is neither balanced nor healthy: 

• It is confusing for people.
• It does not allow for positive relationships between men and women.
• It does not allow the beautiful complementarity between the sexes.
• It enhances the “battle” of the sexes.

Men struggle with this, and women struggle with this. Women tend to be either in the dysfunctional masculine role of dominance and feel they have to be cold hard bitches who look down on men and play games with them, or they’re still in the old paradigm of being “feminine” and therefore being weak and pathetic. Men are struggling with being masculine; knowing that the dominant macho approach is unacceptable, so often they retreat into a weak “feminine” role.
 
 Both sexes are confused. Women don’t know how to feel and express their femininity in a strong and powerful way, and men don’t know how to express their masculinity in a strong and powerful way. My work is about enabling people to get to this state of empowerment.
 
 When a woman is balanced in her masculine and feminine, she isn’t a hard bitch scaring the men off, nor is she an eager beaver wanting to please any man just so he will like her. She will be open and receptive to men’s interest without feeling a need to be either disdainful or needy. She’ll take her time to let him show who he is, to see if there is a connection, and once she knows there is a connection, she will know that he is worthy to be chosen by her, only then she will go with him.
 
 When a man is is balanced in his masculine and feminine, he won’t feel he needs to be a macho man who plays with women and uses them, nor will he be a eager beaver, happy to go along with any woman who shows the slightest inkling of interest in him. He will approach a woman with strength and honesty, no game playing, taking his time to get to know her and establish a connection between them. If there is a connection, he will “choose” her and he will want to know that she is choosing him. No game-playing, no neediness, just two equals meeting and allowing each other to connect, and if there is connection, then to take it further.
 
 That is why a man who has a well-rounded masculine will want a choosy woman, a woman who feels he is worthy of her, because that is a woman who is worthy of him. 

I was asked this question from a man recently:
 
"Recently I asked the folks at "Dear Cupid" a question about the etiquette of when a man may permissibly glance at a woman's breasts. For some reason they found my question "inappropriate to publish." To me given the fact that heterosexual relationships start with a man and women visually interacting with one another that the question of when it is okay to glance at a woman's breasts seems extraordinarily fundamental. Many men don't seem to know that it isn't bad to look because hardly anybody tells them they can. So what is the deal and can't somebody write something on this?"
 
 This was my reply:

Regarding men looking at women's breasts: of course you like it. It's natural!
 
 That's why women evolved breasts, because we walk upright so you see her chest (you don't need obvious breasts to breastfeed a child, other primates don't have them, and very flat-chested women can nurse just fine).
 
 In fact, a study (whose reference escapes me) proved that when men look at women's breasts every day, even photos of breasts, they were much calmer and happier than men who didn't. As to the etiquette of looking at women's breasts - be subtle, no woman wants a man to address her breasts rather than her face when they're talking. If you have a partner, admire her breasts often, and otherwise enjoy the discrete appreciation of the women around you. 

What is the number one thing that makes a man a great lover?

His sensuality.

Without sensuality, when a man makes love to his partner, there can be no real connection. Without that connection, the sex becomes uninteresting, even a turn-off for the woman, and the sex dies.

With sensuality, a man can be both tender and commanding, that wonderful combination of the Yin and Yang of a man. This enables a woman to be both yielding and strong, that wonderful combination of the Yin and Yang of a woman.

What that simply means is that when a man is in touch with his sensuality he can really connect with his woman. This enables her to let go with trust and with desire. She can truly open herself to him. She feels his desire as strong without being aggressive and she can yield and open herself up to it.

With sensuality a man can enable his partner’s “energy” to heat her up to boiling point, so that her sexual response is powerful and ecstatic - way more than just a physical response to genital stimulation . You see, when a man tunes into his sensuality his skill as a lover goes way past his physical “technique”. It becomes much less about his “doing” than his “being”. He doesn’t become a great lover by “doing” the right thing with clever tricks and techniques, he becomes a great lover by “being” sensual, by being in tune with himself and his partner at all levels of physicality, as well as emotionally, energetically and spiritually.

Becoming a sensual man is not about becoming an insipid New Age Wimp - far from it. To be truly sensual, a man needs to be strong, he needs to be able to hold his woman with exquisite tenderness and take her to magical places. Not that it needs be all soft. A man in tune with the sensuality of connection can get into rough play or BDSM (Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism), but because he is in tune, because he is coming from a sensual place, he holds his partner safe as they together explore these “darker” areas of sexuality.

What’s more, he will be in tune enough to know how far to go.

A sensual man is a complete man, one capable of making extraordinary love with his partner. And the best news of all - a man can become more sensual with age, and thereby become a better lover with age!

To learn to be a great lover, enrol in my online course for men - Black Belt in the Bedroom!

The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.
 
 The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…
 
 So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.
 
 This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.
 
 Ideally in the sexual act, the man will use his fire energy to heat up the woman’s water energy. She’ll reach heights of arousal and ecstasy that will make him feel absolutely fantastic because he’s the one who got her there. He’ll probably have an orgasm too, but his satisfaction is ultimately in the pleasure he’s given her. The release of all her sexual energy satisfies and nourishes him completely. In this way the sexual circuit is complete and sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, healing, liberating and bonding experience for both of them.
 
 We do have both masculine and feminine energies within us and a well-rounded person will have a reasonably good balance within them. There are also some people whose energy is more the opposite than their own gender. But for most people men tend to have a fire-like sexual energy and women tend to have a water-like sexual energy.
 
 This is why men’s libido can suddenly arise out of nowhere. He can get an erection with very little or no stimulation, he just feels horny. This is the fire energy that simply ‘switches on’. Given that a man’s body is more testosterone driven, this makes sense.
 
 Whereas it’s pretty rare for a woman to suddenly feel horny out of the blue. Women don’t go “oh gosh, I’m lubricating, I must want sex.” Rather, a woman’s desire is contextual, it depends on how she’s feeling, how she’s getting on with her partner if she has one, what kind of environment she’s in. All these factors will affect the temperature of her water energy.
 
 As I wrote recently, when a woman has a high libido, it’s not because she has a masculine fire energy, it’s because she keeps her water energy simmering. She lives in a way that makes her feel good about herself, she avoids getting too tired, and together with her partner they actively work on keeping their connection strong and making the time and place for sex. This is what keeps a women’s water energy warm. The warmer her water energy is on a day to day basis, the more open and receptive to sex she is. The colder her water energy is, the more effort is required to heat it, and some women have sexual energy that is frozen hard, tundra even!
 
 It does work both ways. There are plenty of men who find that their fire energy isn’t igniting, and there are many reasons for this, which I will write about in another post.
 
 When two people come together as lovers, whether it’s for a brief encounter or a lifetime, when her water energy is good and warm and his fire energy is switching on efficiently, then there’s a meeting between them. His desire is neither too needy nor too apathetic and her interest is neither too conditional nor too stifling. Rather, there’s an easy balance and fluidity between his desire and her openness to meet him, which takes them both to wonderful places. 

I am bravely, perhaps fool-hardedly, but definitely doggedly running a Black Belt in the Bedroom seminar on Monday evening.

Why do I say doggedly? Because men are so bloody hard to get to a workshop on sex!

I just got an email from a participant (who’s coming back for the second time) about trying to persuade his mates to attend. He started it by saying: “So Jacqueline, I now have a new-found respect for what it is you do,” because they all said to him: “I’m already a black belt in the bedroom” (although he has persuaded four of them to come along).

The fact is guys, you’re not black belts in the bedroom. Even if you are pretty amazing in the sack, there’s always more to learn. I’ve taught Tantric masters stuff they didn’t know, so believe me, there’s always more.

It is a bit of a male thing not to ask for help (or directions!), but if it’s important enough to you, you will. It’s actually a sign of a master of any skill or sport or art: they keep learning, practicing, experimenting, researching. It’s the same with sex.

In case you need more convincing, I’ve devised this little quiz for you. If you can answer ‘yes’ to every single questions, then you’re a black belt. If not, come along on Monday…

1. Can you make love to the same woman a thousand times and find it ever more wonderful?
2. Can you ejaculate when you choose to?
3. Can you come too soon and not be fazed about it?
4. Can you have awesome sex without orgasm?
5. Can you absorb the energy from a beautiful woman without feeling you want to have sex with her?
6. Can you feel the sexual power of all women?
7. Do you know that sex is about pleasure not orgasm?
8. Do you realise that porn is what looks good not what feels good?
9. Can you luxuriate in the valleys of sex as well as revel in the peaks?
10. Can you be so present with your partner that you can bring her to a state of orgasm? Can you do this without genital stimulation? Can you do this without touching her?
11. Do you know that foreplay never ends?
12. Do you know that the true master of sex never stops learning?

So how did you go? Will I see you on Monday…?


You can also do my online course for men: