The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#93: When He’s Lost Interest

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Aren’t men supposed to be insatiable sex machines, always gagging for it, ready at the drop of a hat, incessantly harassing their poor female partner to satiate their voracious appetite?

If you believe that, and you’ve lost interest, then you’re going to think that something really bad is going on. Your partner might think so too, and might even blame herself: “If all other women are having to fight off their man, and mine isn’t even interested, then what’s wrong with me?”

Either that or your partner might think that there’s something wrong with you: “What kind of a man are you? Limp dick!” Which is hardly going to help the situation.

If you’re the man and you’ve lost interest, you too might blame yourself: “What’s wrong with me? Am I a real man?” Or you might blame your partner: “Give it a rest woman, can’t you tell I’m busy and stressed - you want me to provide for the family and service your needs? I’m not a stud animal.”

The simple fact though, is that men are simply human. Men get stressed and tired too, and quite often that affects their sexual desire.

So if it’s work pressure, health issues or family difficulties:

Ladies, give him a break, he probably needs nurturing love (which can include tender gentle sex) not harassment.

Guys, give yourself a break and ask for what you need.

And both of you: focus on the root cause of the stress and do what you can to relieve it.

The one thing that won’t work is harshness and criticism from the female partner. (I have to say that I am constantly amazed at how many women think that criticizing their partner’s sexuality will improve the situation.) Criticizing will only further emasculate him or make him angry and cause more division. Ladies, think of how you’d like to be treated if you weren’t feeling up to sex, and treat him the same way. Chances are that will be more about kindness than contempt.

There are other reasons why men might lose interest.

One is that he has been rejected so often in the past that he has given up and can’t switch the desire back on. To fix this, you both need to acknowledge what is going on and together work gently to heal the hurt of so much rejection and give him strength to allow the desire to flow again.

He may have suffered sexual trauma in the past. This is far more common among men than generally acknowledged. It could have been childhood sexual abuse, or he could have been used by women in some way, such as being a non-consenting sperm donor in order to father a child. Whether actual abuse or being taken for granted or used in some way, that can turn a man off sex.

Another common reason is that he’s bought into the Madonna-Whore approach to women. That is, you have sex with the bad girls (because sex is dirty) and not with a woman you love (because love is pure and sex would sully that purity). When a man has bought into this belief, he’ll find it hard to have sex with a woman he loves, or in another version of this, when she becomes his wife or becomes a mother. Overcoming this problem generally requires a man to do some focused work on himself - to understand his belief patterns and work to reframe them.

All the above reasons can be worked on and improved.

It is also possible that he just isn’t into his partner any more. In some cases that can be improved, but not always. And ladies, do you want to be with a man who really isn’t in to you?

And there is also the possibility that he is actually gay. Well, if he’s bisexual and you’re both open-minded you might be able to make that work in your relationship, but if he’s truly gay, then better to know and move on than not. It’s sad to end a relationship, but you’ll be giving yourselves the chance for true sexual and relationship happiness.

If you or your male partner has lost interest, come along and see me for sex therapy sessions.


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