The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 30, 2017

This is an interesting one. I find a lot of people aren’t having anywhere near the kind of sex that would really turn them on, because they don’t feel they can have ‘that’ kind of sex, whatever ‘that kind of sex’ is, with their partner.

I’ve written elsewhere about pushing boundaries and how to expand your sexual play, so this is more about the step before - how to even consider having ‘dirty’ sex with your beloved.

What I mean by ‘dirty’ is whatever you want it to mean, whatever lies beyond your comfort zone of ‘acceptable’, whatever is wild, wicked, naughty, or add the adjective of your choice…

I find there are two things that can get in the way:

The Madonna-Whore Syndrome
A lot of it stems from the deeply rooted belief in our society that sex is ‘bad’. For so long sex was a necessary evil required for procreation, and could only be enacted under very limited strict guidelines - restrained, minimal, unemotional - otherwise it would be terribly sinful. Of course suppression leads to rebellious enactment, so people, or at least men, did have wild sex - but not with their wives, only with the ‘bad girls’. And thus arose the Madonna-Whore syndrome: bad girls do, good girls don’t (and of course your wife, could only be a good girl). This was such a strong part of western sexuality for so long, and still lingers today in a more subtle form.

This idea that there is ‘good sex’ - pure and simple, and ‘bad sex’ - wild and dark, combined with an inherent sense of what is ‘loving’ and what isn’t, means that people don’t feel they can go places sexually, they can’t explore the ‘dark’ places of their sexuality, or at least, not with their beloved. So people either have limited sex lives, or they act out with people who aren’t their partner.

The Limitation of Needing Validation
The other element that prevents good, open, creative 'dirty' sex is that people become co-dependant, fused, they can no longer self-validate, they need their partner to agree with them or they feel bad, even rejected. No-one is going to open up and share ideas or push boundaries if they are fearful of a negative reaction. They’ll restrain themselves and keep in the safe zone. Unfortunately over time that safe zone can get smaller and smaller. I meet couples who are no longer having sex at all, let alone dirty sex (or wild, or sensual, or Tantric, or whatever adjective you want to insert) - because they’re too awkward or embarrassed or apprehensive to go there.

Most people aren’t that extreme, but it’s worth examining your own beliefs. Really sit with the question and get honest with yourself: What do you feel comfortable doing with your partner? If that’s anything less than what you might like to do in an ideal world, ask yourself what’s preventing you from going there?

If the answer is along the lines of ‘it doesn’t feel right’, whether that’s a clear strong feeling or some vague indefinable sensation, then chances are you’ve got that Madonna-whore thing happening. And if your response is ‘oh I couldn’t, how would he or she react’ then you’ve got the fused thing happening.

Deal with that and you’ll open yourself to your true authentic expression of self, and with that, so much more pleasure and possibility…


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