What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world?
When you walk into your bedroom, do you go “Aaahh!” and smile because you feel more restful just being there?
Is your bedroom a sanctuary that you can chill out together in?
If it’s not, then it’s redecoration time! Think about colors and textures, music and lighting. Ban all technology except for your music player. Remove family photos other than happy romantic photos of the two of you. And keep it tidy.
Now it will feel like a sanctuary. You’ll be able to walk across the threshold of your bedroom and leave the cares of the world behind, entering into a peaceful place where you can wind down and chill out together.
Yes, chill out together.
I find that too many people only use their bedroom for sleep and sex, so they don’t go to the bedroom unless they’re planning one or both of those activities. Then it can get a bit awkward about how to move into some sexual activity. Or they wait until they’re already under the covers, and by then one or both of them really can’t be bothered, they’d rather sleep!
I’ll admit that I include myself in that category. Once my head hits the pillow it’s sleep time!
I encourage you to start using your bedroom as a place of mutual chill-out and connection. Take a cup of tea, a mug of hot chocolate or a glass of wine in with you and sit on your bed and simply chat. Play good music. Have the lighting set at a relaxing level. Lounge on the pillows. Massage each other’s feet as you talk. Whatever. Then you will probably find it’s easier to transition into some sensual touch, kissing, sensual undressing, and voila – you’re making love!
This approach to “getting to sex” works if either one or both of you are having trouble initiating or getting going. It may be that you’re not leading up to it well. I’ve written elsewhere about beforeplay - what you do before you start to get sexual. Get that right and things flow into sex more easily and more naturally.
Or not. This is not just a way to get sex happening. More importantly, it’s a way to get the two of you bonding and connecting in an intimate way. It’s important that you learn to spend time with each other in this way without it necessarily leading to sex, so there’s no pressure or expectation.
Having this easy connection between you, with open communication, is how you will have both the desire for sex, the ability to communicate where you’re at in relation to sex, and the time and space to create and consummate that desire.