The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#266: Relationship Vitamins

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, October 06, 2019

If you want to be healthy you know there are some basic things you need – like regular exercise and the right amount of vitamins and minerals. Without these, you’re not going to be in great shape.

It’s the same with relating well, there are some basic things you need every day to stay loved-up and connected. Let’s call these ‘vitamins for your relationship’. These practices will help keep your Couple Bubble strong. Without them you’re going to be pretty wobbly as a couple.

Here are the two key ‘relationship vitamins’ that I believe are vital, and that I prescribe for all my clients: one that you ‘take’ four times a day and one that you ‘take’ once a day.

1: Mini Couple Bubble Top-Ups

The first type of vitamin is what I call Mini Couple Bubble Top-Ups. These are focused, brief connections when you meet and part. Usually these are at four critical points of the day: when you wake up, when you part in the morning, when you greet in the evening and when you go to sleep. (Obviously those times are different if you’re both at home or are shift workers, but the same principle applies.)

At these times you need to make sure you have a quality connection, even if it’s only for a few seconds. To do this you:

  • Come close to each other
  • Look at each other
  • Smile warmly
  • Say something positive with a loving tone
  • Kiss with feeling, even if it’s just a quick peck
  • Have a hug
These mini top-ups attune you physiologically and emotionally, keeping you both co-regulated and emotionally calm and stable.
Without these regular Couple Bubble top-ups, you feel disconnected, unsupported. You lose track of how your partner is feeling, and you don’t get that regular boost of oxytocin that you need to feel secure. With them, you feel the opposite – connected, in tune, supported, secure.

2: Couple Bubble Chats

The second type of vitamin is a daily Couple Bubble Chat. This is where you sit down facing each other, without any distractions and simply chat. No logistics! Talk about yourselves and your interests - where you’re at in life, your hopes and dreams, your memories, your thoughts and feelings about what’s going on in the world. This keeps you interesting and interested in each other.

Do you remember? This is what you did so much of when you were first together. You were absolutely fascinated by each other! Over time though, you stop being so interested in each other, you get complacent and bored and the spark dies.

If you can’t think of anything to talk about (how sad, but so common), bring a question or two to the conversation. Things like: “What would you do if you were brave enough?” “What’s your best memory from when you were 10 years old?” “What do you think happened before the Big Bang?” These kinds of questions get you thinking and sharing. You get to know your partner – and yourself – better. You actually become interesting again.

I’ve written a bunch of other blog articles on communicating well, such as this oneon expressing your feelings when you do your Couple Bubble Chat.

With the Couple Bubble Top-Ups four times a day and a daily dose of Couple Bubble Chat you’ll find you’re much more aligned and resilient as a couple, and feel loved-up and positive as individuals. That’s all good news in itself, and then very importantly, this approach will help you stay ‘simmering’ so that it’s easier to want and get sexual!



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