The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 17, 2016

Is your idea of libido “whoah hubba hubba here we go baby oh yeah bring it on!!!”?

Do you feel that the lead-up to sex has to be intense and passionate?

Are you struggling to achieve that fervent enthusiasm?

Have you tried to force the fire by watching porn, playing dress-ups or bringing out the sex toys - and it’s just made you feel worse?

And does that make it all seem too hard so you can’t be bothered?

Then throw away those ideas of needing to rev up for sex, and focus instead on the 'chilled build'.

We tend to have a one-sided view of sex, we think it has to be all hot and heavy to be good. Sure there are times when sex is hot and heavy and that definitely can be good! But to expect it to be all hot and heavy from start to finish is unrealistic and more likely to result in pretending than real connecting.

That’s overly up-regulated, you need to down-regulate a little, or a lot.

Especially in these stress-filled times, give yourselves a break and give yourselves time to relax and unwind. Get your parasympathetic system into gear, the one that kicks in when you’re safe and relaxed, allowing your mind and your body to soften and open.

Both men and women need to have their parasympathetic systems activated for arousal. Men need to get into their parasympathetic system so that the arteries in their penises relax and fill with blood. Women need parasympathetic reactions to allow for blood to flow to the genitals and fill the internal clitoris, vaginal walls and urethral sponge, and start lubrication. If you’re stuck in up-regulated, switched on, in your head, stressed-out sympathetic arousal, then this process isn’t going to start.

You don’t want stress, but equally you don’t want somnolence. You don’t want to down-regulate so much that you slow things down to the point where you fall asleep, or you induce a numbing lethargy by zoning out in front of the TV or computer screen. That might be chilled, but it won’t build.

You need to get yourselves in a state of what I call ‘alert relaxation’: a balance between the up-regulated sympathetic mode and down-regulated parasympathetic mode - where your bodies are relaxed, your minds are clear and you can feel the connection between you, a connection that feels loving and where desire can grow.


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