The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#101: Make Love to Yourself - Mindful Masturbation for Women

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 02, 2014


Making love to yourself is a wonderful experience. It gets you in touch with your body, more confident in your sexuality, it makes you more orgasmic, floods your body with happy hormones, and generally makes you happier and healthier!

I call it self-pleasuring, which is a far more appealing and indulgent term than the clinical, and somehow ‘wrong’ sounding term of ‘masturbation’.

Solo sex is different to partnered sex. It’s not worse than partnered sex, or less than partnered sex - what you do when you can’t get the ‘real thing’ - it’s just different

It is still sex, at least the type of sex that I promote, that is, it’s about pleasure not just the quickest route to orgasm - so treat it like sex and actually make love to yourself.

First, set the scene. You want to be in a luscious environment, with gorgeous music, soft lighting, lots of pillows stacked behind you so that you’re reclining rather than flat on your back.

You might like to have a bath first to relax yourself - maybe ready some erotica as you bathe. Or read some erotica as preparation while you eat a few delectable chocolates…

Lather your body with scented oils, paying particular attention to your breasts. Caress and feel all your lovely lady curves - your shoulders, tummy, hips, thighs, all of it. Take the time to prepare your body for genital stimulation.

When you feel ready, cup your vulva with one hand and leave it there while you take the time to connect with your genitals. Feel their heat, feel their softness, feel their beauty, feel their power.

You might like to have your other hand on the centre of your chest, so you’re connecting the heart and sexual centres of your body. If this appeals, you can imagine that your love energy is running down your arm from your chest into your vulva, and the sexual energy is running up your body from genitals to heart, in a continuous flow, merging the love and sexual energies within you.

As you feel ready, gently explore your vulva, stroking your lips and your clitoris, exploring your vagina a little, connecting more with your genital area.

Now put a little lube on your fingers and start stroking your clitoris. Explore different strokes, speed, rhythms and pressure. Notice how even a tiny change in location can make quite a difference in sensation.

Experiment with your legs in different positions: apart, together, in frog pose (soles of feet touching). Experiment with using your hand as well: to hold your lips apart, or put fingers in your vagina, or squeeze your nipples. Try lying on your side or on your tummy as well as on your back, reclining or sitting.

You might like to put a dildo or vibrator (or even just a carrot, seriously) inside your vagina for internal stimulation, or just for a feeling of fullness.

I recommend using your fingers, but if you prefer a vibrator, that’s fine, do warm yourself up with your fingers first though.

As you feel your arousal building, experiment with belly breathing and squeezing your pelvic floor muscles to draw in the energy. If you like, you can practice the Microcosmic Circuit or Flute Breath, drawing the energy around your body or up the centre. In particular, do this as you approach orgasm and see if you can prolong the pleasure.

Once you do come, keep your hand resting over your vulva and continue to draw the energy into your body, feeling the pleasure dance throughout your whole body.

Do this as many times as you like - women’s genitals can come and come again! If you do it this way, really make love to yourself, then it won’t drain you, it will invigorate you!

You’ll notice I’ve used the word ‘experiment’ a lot, because you are experimenting with your body. Your own body is your laboratory of love. There’s no right or wrong, just what’s right for you, and the more you experiment and get to know your own body, the better you’ll know what is right for you and the better your love making will be - solo and partnered!

To discover more about making love to yourself, and celebrating your female sexuality, enrol in my online women's course!

Or if you live in Australia, come along to my gorgeous women's weekend workshops!



Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!


Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!

For more great sex advice -
read my books!