The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#105: Consensual Non-Monotony

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 27, 2014


In the last post I wrote about consensual non-monogamy. It’s an option for some people and it can work. However, it’s not for everyone. Most people prefer to be at least primarily, if not exclusively, monogamous.

But for monogamy to work you need consensual non-monotony.

Yes, it’s a play on words, but it’s also an extremely important point. A couple can only have good on-going sex if they both agree to make it good.

As I’ve stressed so often, good sex doesn’t just ‘happen’, you have to work at it, and you both have to work at it as a joint project. Otherwise you get complacency and dreariness.

You both need to agree to ditch the monotony!

This is the most common client problem that I deal with - couples who want to improve the quality of their sex life. While a small proportion are open to considering non-monogamy, most want to improve things between themselves alone.

The key to success at consensual non-monotony is openness with each other – honest, real communication. That’s what is required to be able to discuss and explore and examine and refine.

This level of openness with each other is only possible if you have complete respect for each other, for yourself and for them. If you feel that your partner is judging you, or if you feel that you’re judging yourself then you will hold yourself back and you will not be completely open.

It’s really hard to be this open with your partner! It’s hard to be so trusting and so non-judgmental. It takes practice. I know from working with couples, that once they get to this level of open communication that the miracles start happening. I love that point! It’s what makes my work so worthwhile.

So consent to non-monotony – and make it happen!


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