So often I hear my clients say that they still love their partner but are no longer in love. Often this is given as the reason for wanting to end an otherwise good relationship. These clients always make this claim with some despondency and with a sense of finality, as though once it’s gone it’s gone.
This is understandable, as it’s a common belief that there is the exciting, passionate ‘in love’ honeymoon period and then there is dreary ‘loving’ companionship ever after. But is this fact or myth? Is loss of ‘in love-ness’ inevitable or can we keep it going?
Well, it’s a huge topic and I’d need more than one blog post to go into details, but essentially the answer is yes, you can cultivate that feeling. The key word here is cultivate. It doesn’t ‘just happen’.
Nothing good in life ‘just happens’, nothing good lasts without focus and attention. You don’t stay fit and healthy if you don’t focus on it, you don’t become wealthy if you don’t pay attention, you don’t develop a good career or business without on-going intent to do so. Yet for some reason when it comes to love and sex, we think it should somehow stay strong without putting any effort in at all. So, we become complacent with each other and not surprisingly drift into feeling like flat-mates.
Now, I have to admit that you’re not going to ever keep quite the intoxicating headiness of a brand-new relationship. I’m not talking about that feeling. I’m talking about a sense of experiencing each other as lovers.
I’ve written previously about how a good relationship is like a tripod, it has three legs, and all three need to be strong for the relationship to be strong.
- The first leg is that you are team-mates in the game of life: you can raise kids, pay a mortgage, get the garbage out on time, handle all the logistics of life.
- The second leg is that you are friends: you enjoy each other’s company, you are each other’s go-to person, you share interests and do interesting things together.
- And the third leg is that you are lovers.
It’s this lover leg that so often gets wobbly due to complacency, apathy and generally not giving your love-life the focus, attention and intent that it needs. Instead of cultivating the garden of intimacy, it’s allowed to wither and die.
I want to make a very important point here. I’m not just talking about you having sex. That alone does not make you truly lovers and truly in love. You can have sex without love, and countless couples engage in uninspiring ‘same old’ boring sex, often accompanied by feelings of obligation. That is very far from what I’m talking about.
The way I like to describe the feeling of being true lovers, of keeping the lover feeling strong, is that you infuse your love with your sexual energy.By this I don’t mean ‘horniness’, I mean an energy that rises from your pelvis into your heart that is vital, alive, that has a zest and frisson to it. When you infuse the warm loving feeling you have for your partner with this vital energy, you create a unique frequency between you.
With this awareness you maintain a sense of ‘oh, it’s you’. It’s a regard you have for your partner that is different from anyone else in your life. It’s there in the way you see your partner, how you look at each other, how you greet each other, how you touch each other, how you address each other, how you relate to each other, and how you jointly prioritise your relationship above all else.
This is not easy! It doesn’t ‘just happen’. It takes intent and conscious focus. The good news is though, that the kinds of things you have to do cultivate this approach to each other are all enjoyable, engaging and rejuvenating. The challenge is to realise you need to take this approach and then actively engage in it.
Remember though, you’re both in this, and it’s easier to keep the focus when you’re supporting each other to do it. Then over time it does become more natural and easier and the feeling of being in love goes on and on.
So, get cultivating and stay loved-up for the long term!