The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#174: Mums and Dads Need “Cuddle Time”

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 10, 2016

Happy loving parents make for happy loving children
, so it’s vital that as parents you make the time and space to be loving with each other.  A lot of people seem to feel it’s all too hard when you have children, so they have infrequent sex, if any at all.

It doesn't have to be that way though, not if you train your children to know that Mummy and Daddy need “Cuddle Time”.  

We tend to make sex exceptional, rather than treating it as a normal part of life. Thinking that our children couldn’t possibly know we’re having sex, or that we can only have sex when they’re asleep or out of the house, is a good example of how we treat sex as something ‘different’.

Normalise it in your family: from the earliest age, let your children know that Mummy and Daddy like to have private “cuddle time”. Explain to them that when we have lots of cuddles together we make lots of love for each other and for the whole family. Kids love cuddles, so they understand why Mummy and Daddy cuddle too. They don’t need to know the details. Just keep things simple and use age-appropriate language.

This means that you can have a lie in on Sunday morning for example. One of you gets up to get the kids breakfast and set them up with an activity. Then go back to bed and indulge in some love-making. If the kids interrupt, that’s fine, no need to throw your hands up in despair and give up, just as you wouldn’t if the kids interrupted anything else you were doing. You just tend to them and return to what you were doing, with lightness and levity.

As your kids get older and start going to bed later, even staying up until after you go to bed, get them used to the idea that Mum and Dad like to hang out in their bedroom (just as they do). They don’t need to know what you’re up to and they probably don’t want to think about the possibility of you having sex anyway! Use your bedroom as a sanctuary, have cups of tea and chats there - if that transitions into love-making, great, if not, great, you’re still having connecting time without the kids around.

It’s so important that you prioritise your intimate time, and figure out ways that work for you. Put that first, then shape the rest of your life around it, rather than doing what most people do and try to somehow squeeze intimacy into a life dominated by other priorities.

When you do this, you feel happier and this flows on to your children. Calm, loving parents raise secure, confident children.

Read more about how to keep your sex life strong after kids in my book: Great Sex After Kids.


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