The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#284: Communing - deep intimate connection

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 22, 2020

This is a great word that I like to use when talking to couples about how to relate to each other and get in the mood for love-making.

That word is “communing”.

The dictionary defines the verb “commune” as:

  • To share one's intimate thoughts or feelings with someone or something;
  • To feel in close spiritual contact with someone or something.

It’s a gentle, chilled-out word that makes you feel relaxed and connected. I take it to mean that act of sharing and feeling when two people hang-out together doing stuff that makes them feel good about each other.

It can be a cup of tea and a chat after the kids are in bed. It can be walking to the park together pushing the pram. It can be snuggling up on the couch laughing and watching your favorite TV show. It can be doing a jigsaw puzzle together. It can be taking dessert up to the bedroom and feeding each other while giggling on the bed.

It doesn’t have to involve a lot of verbal communication; it certainly doesn’t have to involve deep and meaningful conversation (although it can lead to that naturally). It doesn’t have to be overtly romantic or sexual. Communing is just two people enjoying each others company in a relaxed manner.

The three key elements to communing are simply that:
  1. You’re together
  2. You’re doing something (even if that something is very little) together

  3. It makes you feel good about yourself and the other person

It’s actually what makes you feel good as a couple, and that in turn is what makes your sex life work.

Too often people in relationships get complacent and stop making the time to be with each other. Then they wonder why one or both of them isn’t in the mood for sex any more.

Forcing yourself to get in the mood for sex isn’t going to make you want sex. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, sex doesn’t always “cure” the ills of a relationship, although it can.

The reality is that for most people, sex needs a warm up.

Most people actually need to be feeling good about their partner and about themselves before they’ll want to make love to them.

I call this 'beforeplay' - keeping the warm up going on in little ways all the time. It’s the way you relate and feel about each other (and therefore about yourself) before you even get to the bedroom that makes the sex not only easier to get to, but better when it arrives.

Communing is enjoyable and relaxing and connecting.

What’s not to like?

 Do it and enjoy!


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