The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#228: What To Do When He Can't Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 24, 2018

We often hear about women having trouble with orgasms, and generally with men it’s thought that they have the opposite problem, that they come too quickly. So when a man has trouble coming, or can’t come at all, he might feel that there’s something wrong with him. He can feel very alone.

But it’s actually very common for men not to come. It’s called Retarded or Delayed Ejaculation, and most men will encounter it at least sporadically in their lives. If it’s happening repeatedly though, it can be a problem. Particularly if the woman thinks it’s because he’s not attracted to her, or if they want to conceive.

The cause is generally stress-related and the situation gets worse when it causes Performance Anxiety, which exacerbates the inability to come in some men, and in other men can lead to losing erection or even coming too quickly. To make matters worse, if there’s additional anxiety caused by the partner’s negative response, then that creates a negative feedback loop, and the man ends up with anxiety about having Performance anxiety - Performance Anxiety Anxiety!

Not a good thing.

The thing is though, sex is not about orgasm. Too many people think that sex is all about orgasm, that sex is something you do to another person so that they have an orgasm. It’s not. Orgasm is a fantastic by-product of sex, but it’s not the point of sex.

The point of sex is sharing pleasure.

So if this a problem for you, then you both need to shift your focus to the experience of pleasure, receiving pleasure, rather than having an orgasm. Paradoxically, by focusing on the pleasure aspect and not worrying about her worrying you’ll probably find that orgasms do come more easily – but don’t ever expect one. It’s the expectation that gets in the way. It's the pleasure that matters.


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