The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#113: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - how to add restraint to your sex life

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 09, 2015

Grab a tie, or a stocking, and wrap it around your partner’s wrists. Then kiss them.

There you go, that’s bondage.

Although in fact you don’t even need an implement of restraint, you can just tell your partner not to move, and if they agree and don’t, then that’s bondage too!

Being restrained while making love, engaging in sexual play, can be one way to heighten sensation, arousal and erotic pleasure. And as with all elements of eroticism, your sexual taste, you can go as far as you like. Some people will be happy with draping a scarf loosely around their partner’s wrists, others will have hooks built into the wall with chains and cuffs attached. Enjoy it in any way you find mutually enjoyable.

Other slightly ‘scarier’ household items would include belts or plastic wrap. Then you can purchase rope, cable ties, chain from the hardware. Or go to an adult shop and buy coloured rope (it comes in all sorts of pretty colours), bondage tape (pvc tape that sticks to itself without adhesive), handcuffs (which also range from fluffy pink lambswool through to hard-core metal), or bondage cuffs (which also can be made from silk, feathers, velvet, suede, leather or metal).

Some people get into the art of bondage, or Shibari, to use the Japanese name. It really is an art form and takes years of practice to master. At the most basic level it’s simply a reef knot to bind the person, at it’s more complex there are all kinds of intricacies of rope work. It can be extremely beautiful and erotic.

Shibari is all about deep connection, sensuality, beauty and poetry.

For the person wielding the rope, it is used as a sensual item for their partner’s pleasure. In addition there is the satisfaction in the expression of their skill with the rope, and pleasure in the appreciation of the receiver giving up their control.

For the person being tied, there is a wonderful sense of being held and letting go, which leads to a state often called rope-drunk, sub-space, an altered state of consciousness, of bliss.

As I keep stressing, there is mutual responsibility here. Each person needs to communicate with the other how they’re going, and letting them know if it’s too much. The focus is always on mutual pleasure.

Then, what do you do once your partner is tied…? Well, whatever takes your fancy and they consent to! It could be pretty straightforward sex, it could be sensual play with feathers and food, it could be more hard-core playing with impact and pain. You can explore wherever your mutual curiosity and pleasure take you…

I did a great radio show on this topic with Hebari, who’s a master of the art of Shibari. You can listen to it here

He tied me up as we did the show (which apparently makes for amusing radio as the left side of my brain was switching off and speech was a challenge…). Here are some photos:


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