The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#156: Ditch the Sex Myths

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, March 31, 2016

If you want to become a great lover and have wonderful sex, you have to ditch the myths that plague us.

Our society is full of sex myths. Because we don’t talk openly about the details of our sex lives and there have been so many moral issues associated with sex for so long that so many beliefs are taken for truth. These beliefs are so entrenched they can be challenging to let go of, but until you do, you’re holding yourself back. If you buy into a belief that there’s something wrong or bad about being a certain way, you’ll inevitably be judgmental about yourself and others.

Judgment is the biggest impediment to growth in any area, including sexuality.

I’m going to challenge you by starting with three big myths that are very entrenched in our society:

1. Men have evolved to ‘sow their seed widely’ and are therefore naturally non-monogamous
2. Women are naturally monogamous
3. Monogamy is naturally innate to humans

Not one of these myths is true!

I’m certainly not saying that we shouldn’t be monogamous. Monogamy is a very good thing! But it’s not the only way of relating sexually and it’s not the only ‘right’ way of relating. If you’re constrained by a belief that it is, then you’re limiting yourself, and you’re limiting other people’s choices too. If you accept that monogamy is a choice rather than an innate state, then that frees you up enormously. You’ll ditch all the negativity that surrounds the beliefs and the “should”s and “ought to”s and allow yourself to be honest with yourself about what is really right for you, or others, sexually. This freedom and honesty will enable you to be free and honest in your communication with your sexual partner(s). That’s what leads to good on-going sex over the long-term.

It’s not just about big things like monogamy though. I find that people often hinder themselves with small beliefs, such as:
  • Sex has to be last thing at night,
  • You can’t have sex if the children are still awake,
  • You can’t have sex when your parents/guests are staying,
  • Having regular “nooky nights” is unspontaneous and therefore bad.
Then there are age-related myths such as:
  • Sex naturally gets worse as you get older,
  • People reach their sexual peak in their 20s (they reach their reproductive peak then, not sexual),
  • Women dry up and become asexual after menopause,
  • Men only like young women,
  • Your sexual partner should only be a few years older or younger than you,
  • Women with younger partners are ‘cougars’ and somehow ‘bad’.
There are plenty of myths around homosexuality vs heterosexuality (even if we’ve let of the big one that homosexuality is unnatural and wrong):
  • If you’re primarily heterosexual you shouldn’t find people of the same sex in any way sexually appealing,
  • You’re either completely homosexual or completely heterosexual,
  • Women are more naturally bisexual than men,
  • Men who cross-dress must be gay .
There are countless myths about male versus female sex roles, too many to go into here, but here are a few:
  • Men are gagging for sex all the time,
  • Men want to have sex to have an orgasm, rather than to pleasure their partner,
  • Men don’t like foreplay or sensual sex, they’re only interested in the ‘main event’,
  • A woman should have sex with their partner whether she wants to or not or he’ll lose interest in her,
  • Men should initiate and lead the way sexually, always,
  • There’s something wrong with a woman if she has a low libido,
  • You need a hard erection for good sex,
  • You need a penis for good sex.

Then there are all those myths about what you should or shouldn’t do sexually.

To quote from my book Sex Secrets for Busy People’:

“If you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos, crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and pleasure or any other activity is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it’s time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.”

Nevertheless there are laws around sexual activity, and for good reason. These laws are meant to protect the innocents. But the healthiest attitude is that as long as the sexual activity is between consenting, living, adult, humans, then it’s your personal choice, and nobody else’s business but you and your partner(s).

Human sexuality is a wonderful thing, with so many possibilities, and so much potential for self-expression, self-knowledge and personal growth, not to mention bonding, pleasure, stress relief, well-being, better physical and mental health, and plain old fun!

To be able to make the most of your sexuality, start by ditching the myths that hold you back.

You can read this plus around 30 more articles on the topic of stuff we all need to know in my e-book Sex Matters.

Click here to purchase your copy from my shop now!


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