The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#197: Sex is Good, Sleep is Better!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 18, 2017


Whoa! Isn’t that blasphemy, coming from a Sex Coach?

Sleep is better than sex? Hello - has Jacqueline gone crazy?

No, I’m not about to ‘fess up and declare that I don’t practice what I preach. I’m not going to tell you that most of the time I actually prefer curling up in bed with a good book and a box of chocolates - although sometimes I do. My point is that for very many people, myself included, without enough sleep you don’t feel like sex.

Time after time I get exhausted people coming to me wondering what’s wrong with them, why they don’t have any desire for sex. The answer is pretty simple – they’re too tired.

Exhausted, flat, overwhelmed, worn out, drained… None of these states are conducive to a raging libido.

Like anything in life, the better the physical and mental state you’re in, the better you’ll perform. This applies whether we’re talking about work, sport or play - including sex.

We modern urban Westerners are a pretty overloaded bunch, way too up-regulated and with far too much to do. If you’re going for it all day long, then chances are you’re not going to be up for going for it again once you hit the sack. Sex will feel like “just one more thing to do” and sleep will beckon, oh so invitingly.

We’re also chronically lacking in sleep. Plenty of studies show that we’re not getting enough sleep and that this is impacting on our quality of life, from obesity to accidents to poor performance, and in my area of specialty, low libido.

Of course, if you’re someone who has an unflagging libido, who’s up for it no matter what your state, then obviously this doesn’t apply to you, at least, not at the moment, it might in the future. But if it applies to your partner, it’s important that you understand this need for rest and good sleep.

So prioritize sleep, that’s essential! But that doesn’t mean putting off sex until you’ve caught up on sleep, or until you feel 100% - you might never get to that moment when “everything is just right”.

Sex shouldn’t be draining anyway! If you follow my approach to love-making you'll find it rejuvenating. Focus on the lead-up. Make connection and chilling-out together part of your daily unwind. Even better, do it in the bedroom – hang out on your bed together, phones away, having a cup of tea and a chat, give each other foot massages.... You'll be setting yourself up for the essential elements of desire - enjoying each other's company in a chilled-out way. That in itself is satisfying, even if you don't get more intimate, but you're also more likely to find it easy to transition into some gentle, gorgeous love-making. That will make you feel happier, more relaxed - and help you sleep better! A win all round.

This sets up a positive feedback loop: you’ll feel better, more connected, more loved and loving, you’ll sleep better so you’ll feel more energized and life will take on a rosy glow!

There's no need to try and force interest, set yourself up so that you’re cultivating desire. Rest, relax, chill out together and let the desire flow...


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