The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#305: Lazy Sex

- Saturday, October 24, 2020

I am a big fan of lazy sex. Hey, I’m a busy woman and ‘lazy’ is often the most I can manage. But lazy doesn’t have to mean boring. Let me share with you the simple pleasures of lazy sex….

I often find clients say they don’t have the energy for sex, as if it’s a given that sex needs to be energetic. It doesn’t. We’ve all been misled that way because sex scenes in movies tend to be passionate and fast, porn certainly doesn’t show lazy sex – how boring would that be to watch! And if we think back to when we were young, yes, it probably was more intense.

If you think about other pleasures in life though – food, music, walking in nature, conversing with friends – we don’t assume they have to be intense and passionate. So why should sex?

Of course, it can be, there’s nothing wrong with a good intense shag with lots of varied activities along the way. If you have the time and energy and you’re both in the mood for that, great, go for it. But if you’re not, rather than missing out on pleasure and connection, take a different approach.

I remember a client I had once who said that she liked sex, but rarely did it as she didn’t have the energy for “all the foreplay”. I asked if she felt she needed the foreplay to be ready for intercourse and she said no, as long as they’d cuddled and kissed she was ready. So, I said – well, do that then. She looked at me really puzzled: “Can I?” she asked. “Yes, of course,” I assured her. “But I thought you had to do all that oral sex and stuff first and often I just can’t be bothered…”

As I say over and over again – sex is whatever feels right at the time. There are no rules, as long as it’s what you both want in the moment.

So, if you haven’t got a lot of energy, but you want intimate connection, then do it the lazy way! 

For a start, if one of you has more energy than the other, then the more energetic partner can be more active while the less energetic one is more passive. I recall when my third child was born, I was exhausted by night-time! So sometimes I’d just lie there while my then husband admired my naked form and masturbated. If I had the energy I might have tickled his balls, but that was about it. It was probably the least ‘exciting’ sex of my life, but it was connecting and got us through a period when that was the most we could manage.

The point here is that sex doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat. If one goes down on the other for 4.8 minutes, it doesn’t mean the other has to then go down for 4.8 minutes. It’s what each of you wants and needs – and is capable of.

Or, if you are both tired, go for lazy positions. Spoon position is the classic lazy position, where you are both on your sides. With a slow in and out while snuggling in close – it’s brilliant for connection and gentle pleasure. Remember, you don’t have to orgasm if you don’t want to, sometimes that’s too much effort, just having the vagina cuddle the penis can feel great. In fact, a beautiful Tantric sex practice is ‘plugging in’ where you do just lie with genitals joined and simply feel into it without moving. It’s a lovely way to start the day.

That’s if you even want intercourse. Simply lying naked skin-on-skin is comforting and intimate. As I like to stress, making love is not a euphemism for sex, you can make love in all sorts of ways without joining genitals, including very slow, soft, tender, barely-there ways. And if you adopt the non-linear approach I advocate, where whatever happens happens, without expectation that it has go somewhere or meet KPIs, then you really can just cuddle naked, or give each other sensual touch, or tell a story, or gaze into each other’s eyes, or have long lingering luscious kisses…and that’s all. Because it’s all making love. And often the simple and tender is even more rich in feeling than the shagadelic approach.

Try it. I’m sure you’ll like it.


Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!


Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!

For more great sex advice -
read my books!