The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#121: Move Beyond Sleaze and Shame and Discover The Third Wave of Sexuality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 21, 2015

For centuries we had sex as ‘shame’. Sex was seen as an unfortunate necessity to propagate the species.

Good women weren’t interested and men had their needs. Truly spiritual people abstained. No-one spoke about it, no-one studied it, only the very lucky or particularly diligent got to experience quality sex.

Then the pendulum swung completely the other way and for the last few decades we’ve had sex as sleaze. Now everyone’s supposed to be into it, gagging for it even, open to anything and everything and having mind-blowing experiences every time.

The first stage was outrageously prudish, which wasn’t good for anyone. The second stage has been outrageously permissive, which hasn’t been a whole lot better. It’s time for a third wave of sexuality. Beyond shame, beyond sleaze, it’s time for meaningful sex.

I’ve noticed over the past eight years or so that I’ve been specialising in sex, that there has been a shift. People are saying to me: “There’s got to be more to this sex thing.”

And they’re right. There’s a hell of a lot more to sex. Good sex, real sex, is empowering, uplifting, reviving, life enhancing.

What makes sex is meaningful is not what you do but how you do it.

What you do will depend on your personal sexual taste, your own individual eroticism - it could be lights out under the bedcovers, it could be swinging from the chandeliers at a fetish party, or it could be locked in tantric embrace. There are no rules in terms of what you do, as long as it’s consensual and legal. We can at least thank the second wave of sexuality for allowing that level of freedom, it has freed us up in terms of whatwe can do sexually.

We’ve missed out on the how though, and that’s causing problems. Unless the what is a real expression of self, it’s not meaningful, it’s false. In the bad old days no-one was allowed to be themselves sexually because anything other the most basic sexual interaction was considered wrong. In more recent days people are having trouble being real because even though pretty well everything’s possible, actually doing anything that’s possible isn’t meaningful if it’s not true for you.

My work is about the third stage - getting to meaningful sex. Whether it’s simple, sensual, spiritual or spicy, it has to be a real expression of your true self.

Then any sex becomes awesome sex.


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