The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In the Moment and The Debrief

- Saturday, November 21, 2020

Communication is so fundamental to co-creating a great life together. Whether it’s as simple as agreeing on what you’re going to have for dinner, through to big topics like how you manage your finances, every aspect of relating needs good communication. This is never more important than when it comes to sex, but…talking about sex is one of the hardest things for a couple to do.

Why is this? Well, some people think you shouldn’t have to talk about sex, it “should just come naturally”; some people only talk about sex when there’s a problem so when they do it’s heavy and negative; and a lot of people are simply too shy. Yet without talking about it, it’s not going to be good. Imagine if you didn’t talk about what you wanted to eat, or where you wanted to go on holidays, how you raise the kids – how good, or more likely bad, would your life together be?

So, let’s take a look at the three types of sexual communication you need to have a great love life.


Chit-chat is talking about sex in general. As I described in another blog article, you need to treat your love life like a mutual hobby – something you do for pleasure in your leisure time – and discuss it as openly and positively as you would a mutual hobby. So you converse about sex – your hopes, dreams, desires, fears, concerns. How you’re feeling about your sex life, what you might like, any interesting ideas you might have. You can talk about your own sex life or sex in general. I’ve had couples tell me they read one of my blogs or listen to a podcast as inspiration for a good conversation about sex and intimacy.

It’s in these general chats about sex, outside of the act itself, that you can have deeper conversation and gain more understanding of each other’s sexuality, as well as your own. I had some clients just the other day who’d been talking about threesomes together, never thinking that they would ever actually have one – then found themselves not long after taking an unexpected opportunity to engage in one! They said that if they hadn’t talked about it earlier, they wouldn’t have taken the plunge and it certainly wouldn’t have been the enjoyable experience that it was.

It’s not just about pushing your boundaries though, it can be about anything that could enhance your lovelife – redecorating the bedroom, dealing with kids’ bedtimes better, helping each other feel more comfortable with sex in general. There are a lot of elements that go into make a great sex life and the more aware of them you are, the better it will be.

In the Moment

This is how you communicate during a sexual encounter. It’s how you let each other know where you’re at and what you are wanting and experiencing. Obviously, this is very different to chit chat! It’s not lengthy conversation, this type of communication doesn’t even have to be verbal. Sounds and moans and groans convey a lot of information, so let yourself express in this way (making sounds can increase the pleasure too, depending on what you’re doing).

It is good to be able to verbalise some of the time though, such as to give feedback: “slower” “faster” “to the left” “to the right” “just gotta move a touch” “mmm, that’s good” “oh god oh god oh god” “I’m feeling pretty sated now” and so forth. Words are also useful for checking in with your partner (preferably said in sultry sexy voice): “so…how’s this?” “would you like more?” “how about we…?” “could you/I…”

And you can communicate in the moment with signals: you can guide your partner’s hands to where you want or don’t want them; you can guide your partner’s body in various ways; you can use gentle taps on their body to indicate increasing or decreasing intensity. Of course, you need to verbally communicate what these physical signs could be and mean during your chit chats and not just try and guess during the act itself!

The Debrief

And then there’s the debrief, a gentle sharing of how you found the experience once it’s over. It’s such a good time to communicate about sex. You’re lying in the afterglow, feeling all loved-up and connected, so it’s a great time to reflect in a soft snuggly way about how you found it and what you liked, what you might have done that was a different or what you considered doing even if you didn’t, before drifting off to sleep or getting up to continue the day.

So, improve your communication skills in these three ways and co-create a great sex life that lasts your whole life long!


Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!


Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!

For more great sex advice -
read my books!