Q: We’re all so time poor these days, but booking in for a ‘romance’ night with my partner seems a bit pre-meditated. But the occasional dull and brief late-night sex we have leaves a lot to be desired. How can I add some zing?
A: There’s a myth in our society that good sex has to be spontaneous. Which is like saying a good meal has to be spontaneous. In fact it’s quite the opposite, the better the meal usually the more focus and time is put into it. Otherwise you get McDonalds. It’s the same with sex. Give it the focus it needs or you end up with MacDonald’s sex – dull and not very satisfying.
People often reminisce about the early days of their romance when it was supposedly spontaneous, but in fact there was a huge amount of lead-up and anticipation. You’d be thinking all week of Saturday night and what you’d wear, what you’d do, where you’d go…Fast forward several years and you slob around the house in your flannel jammies, spend the evenings engrossed in anything but each other, fall exhausted into bed at 11pm and wonder why you can’t be bothered!
If you want good sex in an on-going relationship you’ve got to create the time and the space to get the two of you in the mood, yearning for each other, just like you used to.
It starts way before the bedroom. Ideally it should start the moment you wake up and smile as you gaze over at your partner. Those small acts of affection should continue throughout the day, to build intimacy and raise erotic tension (I call it the ‘mmm’ factor!)
Once evening comes you need to chill out together. Being in each other’s company and enjoying each other’s company is the key to good sex. So set aside at least one evening a week for a nooky night. Don’t veg out in front of the TV or surf the net or catch up on emails or clean the house. Once the kids are in bed, it’s you time. Soft lights, music, a glass of wine and thou. This is transition time from the busyness of your day to a relaxed space where you can gently open up to each other.
By the time you get the bedroom you’ll be feeling pretty good about each other, and the ‘mmm’ factor will be simmering, if not boiling! Now, use your bedroom to put you even more in the mood. Make sure it’s a boudoir, a sanctuary away from the stress of life, a place that when you enter, you leave the world behind. Soft lighting, candles, music, beautiful bed linen, whatever makes you soften and open.
And then…it’s playtime! Take your time, treat sex more as a picnic than as a race towards a finish. Gaze into each other’s eyes, touch all over, use props, whatever. Be light and playful, use your imagination, enjoy each other’s bodies and get into a flow. Playful, wild, sensual, wherever it takes you. Just not dull.
Create the time, create the space.