The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, April 04, 2020

If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill.

But no. Great sex does not come only from pills, props or positions.

Sure they can help. Lots of things can help, but pills, props and positions – the Three Ps - are only the icing on the cake.

You need to know how to make a great cake before you ice it.

You need to know about making the time and the place, about surrender and sensuality, about intimacy and eroticism. That’s the starting point of great sex.

Then if you want to add a few toys or try out some new positions (and possibly even try pills or sprays to aid erection – but only under medical advice), then go for it. But a dildo on its own won’t spice up a flagging sex life.

Let’s look at something really basic to see what I mean - good ol’ fashioned missionary position: man on top, woman on bottom.

Try it like this:
  • She semi-reclines on a bed of pillows wearing a silk chemise while he feeds her cherries as he moves within her;
  • She moves to the side of the bed and dangles her head over the edge;
  • She puts her feet on his chest;
  • Or crossed behind his back;
  • Or one up and one down;
  • They roll off the bed and continue on a bear rug on the floor;
  • She lies blindfolded, listening to music through headphones as he moves at a consistent rhythm;
  • They play trance house music and move to the beat that goes on and on and on…
  • Her hips are slightly raised. He kneels before her. He’s deep inside without moving and she grinds her pelvis slowly, delicately, with tiny, little movements and she feels the tingle build to a charge that spreads throughout her body;
  • They lie together barely moving, looking into each other’s eyes, and keep on looking past the point of comfort until they pass into another realm;
  • He changes the depth and pattern of his thrusts - four shallow to one deep;
  • He increases the depth of his thrusts in a series of seven, each a little deeper than before;
  • She raises herself on her arms and thrusts hard back at him as he thrusts hard into her;
  • He keeps his eyes open looking at her as he comes;
  • She does the same;
  • He grinds his hips instead of thrusting;
  • She squeezes her vaginal muscles with each of his withdrawals;
  • They do it on the kitchen table, still clothed, both so hot after a luscious evening out…

And I haven’t even started on what they might be doing with their hands and mouths as this is going on.

Add passionate kisses, kisses or bites to the neck, fondling and kissing of breasts, tweaking of nipples (his and hers), stimulation of clitoris with fingers, inserting of fingers into vagina along with penis (his or hers), sucking of her toes, pulling of hair, stroking of bodies in general…

So, is missionary really all that boring? Wouldn't a few subtle shifts make a such a difference...?


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