The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#135: So Many Boxes - So Little Freedom

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, July 30, 2015

So many people live lives that are boxes within boxes, constraints within constraints, limitations within limitations. The number of “should”s and “must”s and “ought”s and “can’t”s and “mustn’t”s are never-ending.

We love our boxes. We have them around our work, our gender, our ethnic grouping, our age, our relationship status, our parental status, our place of abode, our religious beliefs, our health, our appearance, our sports and our hobbies.

Then we love to categorise our personalities, whether it’s the multitude of psychological tests or astrological classifications - it’s all about putting ourselves into still more boxes.

How often do we say “I am a [insert classification]”, or limit ourselves by stating: “I’m [insert adjective] because I’m a [insert classification]”, or “I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t/must/mustn’t [insert verb] because I’m a [insert classification]”.

It’s all so limiting.

And it’s all based on fear.

And it comes through more powerfully, and more with more limits, in our sexuality than anywhere else.

I’m [insert gender] so I’m……
I’m [insert age] so I…..
I'm spiritual/an atheist/a [insert religion] so I….
I’m married/single/divorced/in a relationship so I…
I’m fat/old/ugly so I…

Now of course we can be classified, of course we have an age, an appearance, a profession, and so forth, there’s no issue with that. It’s all the crap that’s attached to the classification that’s the problem.

Consider: “I’m fat and ugly and I don’t give damn, I’m having great sex!” versus “Well, we’ve been together a long time and we’re not as trim as we used to be and the kids are always around, so of course we can’t have sex, or good sex.”

When it comes to sex, I see the limitations everywhere, even in the supposedly free-spirited types: the swingers who think monogamy is boring; the kinksters who think vanilla sex is dull; the Tantric types who think it’s got to be oh so terribly slow and spiritual; the free love exponents who think we’ve got to let it all hang out.

And there’s all the black and white thinking. You’ve got to be one gender or the other, into women or into men, monogamous or deceitful, sexually active or celibate.

How about we all embrace the possibility, for those for whom it feels real, to whatever extent feels right, of gender-bending, bisexuality, ethical non-monogamy, celibacy as sexual expression?

How about we see that all types of kinks and fetishes are fun to play with, that enlightened BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism) can be as empowering and connecting as deep spiritual sex?

How about feeling that missionary with the lights out can be as fulfilling an experience as swinging from the chandeliers?

How about we let ourselves be ourselves?

And maybe, ultimately, how about we let the judgemental be judgemental too, if that’s what makes them happy, and focus on our own business?

Avoid judging others and don’t judge yourself. Give yourself the freedom to explore and play and find out who you are in all aspects of your life.

Get out of the boxes!


Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!


Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!

For more great sex advice -
read my books!