The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#73: To Come or Not To Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, May 06, 2013

 Photo by Mahrael Boutros from Pexels

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm.

So, who’s right? Should we or shouldn’t we? Is it more healthful/spiritual/ecstatic/pleasurable/fulfilling to come or not to come?

Well, to me it’s less about whether you come or not, and much more about how you come.

You see, nothing in life is black and white, particularly when it comes to sex.

To believe that we shouldn’t come is as limiting as believing that you have to come.

I certainly encourage everyone to move away from the mindset, firmly entrenched in the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex: that sex is about a sexual excitation that has to result in an explosive genital orgasm. I definitely encourage people to expand their sexual repertoire and explore styles of love-making that don’t lead to orgasm.

The ‘orgasm at all costs’ approach to sex is very limiting and not always satisfying. Having explosive genital orgasms can be debilitating and can lead to feelings of emptiness and either neediness or distance afterwards. The big ‘O’ is not the holy grail of sex.

It’s actually very liberating to open yourself to the reality that there are many ways to approach sex and to realise that making love in a way that doesn’t lead to or require orgasms, can be just as satisfying, if not more so, than sex with orgasm.

However, to then extend that argument to say that orgasm itself is ‘bad’ and that we shouldn’t orgasm at all, is falling into the either-or trap.

Orgasms are a natural part of being human and having orgasms can be a highly beneficial thing.

If the orgasms aren’t beneficial, if they do leave you feeling drained, distant, grumpy, needy, then the problem isn’t ‘orgasm’, the problem is the way you orgasm.

If you see orgasm as just part of sex, not the point of sex, and certainly not the end-point, then you can play with the orgasmic experience. You can use orgasm to take you deeper and further. You can experience orgasm in different forms, not just genital. You can orgasm in different parts of your body, you can experience it throughout your whole body, you can feel different kinds of energies and sensations, it can be brief or it can last for minutes or longer, you can enter into orgasmic ‘states’ where you feel the bliss for very long periods of time.

To experience orgasm in this way you need to approach love-making in a non-linear way. This means you go with the flow of what feels right at each and every moment. There are no ‘shoulds’, there is no expectation, there is no defined sequence.

When you approach sex like this it doesn’t matter whether you have no orgasm, one orgasm, many orgasms or whether you enter a blissful orgasmic state where you don’t know if you’re orgasming or not because it just feels soooo good.

I call this Third-Level Love-Making: it’s not just genital excitation, the ‘peaks’ of sex, it’s not just love and spiritual connection, the ‘valleys’ of sex: it’s all and everything. If orgasm is part of that, great, if it’s not, great. If it’s real, true, an authentic expression of self - it’s all great!


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