The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#149: Your New Year's Resolution - Have Better Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy new year! I hope you’re having a great festive season and are taking time to look over your life and acknowledge where life is going well and where it could do with improving.

Hopefully you’ve gone so far as to make some new years resolutions. These are probably to do with health issues such as getting fit or drinking less, or to do with finance issues such as saving money or getting a raise. If so, they're all very worthy resolutions and good on you for making them.

Here’s another one for you:

“I resolve to have better sex this year.”

Say it out loud. Go on, this is a practical exercise.

How did it feel? If it felt good and powerful and real, excellent, skip over to the check-list below. If it felt awkward or a bit silly or even embarrassing, then let’s take a moment to consider why you would feel that way.

Sex is a fundamental part of being human, and a good sex life has enormous benefits in terms of improved health and well-being, greater self-esteem, better relationships (and because of that a happier, healthier and saner society) – so why would it seem odd to resolve to improve your sex life? It’s simply a reflection of our sex-negative society. Because sex hasn’t been acknowledged as the important thing it is, in the same way as for instance good nutrition and a healthy bank balance have been, we tend not to focus on it with the same level of intent as other parts of life.

No-one would think you odd if you declared your resolve this year was to get fit or get a promotion. Yet if you declared your resolve is to have better sex…

So, ok, you don’t have to publicly declare this intention. It’s sad that this is the case, but never mind. If you have a partner, I strongly encourage you to make this declaration together, but you can do it alone if need be. Find a place where no-one can hear you, then state out loud:

“I/We resolve to have better sex this year.”

Excellent! That is a brilliant start to the year!

I can always tell which of my clients are going to make good progress, it's all to do with their attitude. The ones that come to me stating that they are taking the therapy and coaching on as a ‘project’ are the ones that do well. They know that they have to have a positive intention, take concrete action, and realise they are on a journey.

So, to get you started, here are some important points that are relevant to everyone in improving their sex life:
  • Is your bedroom a boudoir, a sanctuary from real life? When you go to your bedroom do you feel you can relax? Is it attractive, comfortable, sensual? Does it have soft lighting, music?
  • Do you set aside time in your week to make love? 
  • Do you allow yourselves time to unwind and relax so that you can get in the mood before making love?
  • Do you wear clothes that make you feel attractive and sexy? Especially underwear and night wear?
  • Do you self-pleasure regularly? Both in terms of pampering yourself and masturbating?
  • Do you read books or watch movies that inspire your erotic fantasies? Do you allow yourself to enjoy your private fantasies?
  • Do you read books, attend workshops or watch videos for educational purposes, to improve your knowledge and skills?
  • Do you and your partner talk about your love life, about what you do and don’t like, what you’d like to try, how you’d like to make it better and better?
Take some time to think about what you personally can do to improve your sex life. Based on the list above this could include some shopping, redecorating, time allocating and activities for yourself – quite pleasurable on the whole!

If you have a partner, talk to him or her about this. Many couples do find it difficult to talk about their sex life, so start simply, perhaps with a discussion on redecorating the bedroom. Keep it light! Heavy discussions around sex are rarely conducive to improving the situation. Book in for a session with me if you're finding this challenging.

I also strongly encourage you to attend my retreats and workshops or do an online course to improve your sexual confidence and knowledge.

Together we can make this your year for better sex (leading on to better and better sex in the years to come…)

It all starts with your resolve.


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