The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#26: The Core of Tantra: Real Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, January 30, 2011

I’m going to share a little about myself here, to give you some insight into why and how I work the way I do.

A number of years ago I realised that my experience of sex was very different to most people’s. Extended sessions of love-making, multiple (or should I say endless) orgasms, ecstatic states of altered consciousness were the norm, even with small children and babies, years into a relationship.

At first I thought it was something special about my husband and I, but after our marriage ended I discovered that, nope, it was me. I went through what I call my ‘research’ period, investigating sex with a range of different partners and the response was pretty similar: “Wow, that was different”, “You really like sex don’t you”, “You need to teach this to people!”

So I set out to find out why I was different. That led me to find out more about Tantra, and I realised that although I’d never studied it formally, my years of martial arts experience, decades of yoga, meditation and mindfulness had led me to experience sex, and probably life, in a very pure, present and energetic way. Which is when I realised my true calling – to tune modern people back into the real nature and value of sex. Most people don’t have the faintest idea of our sexual potential and what the whole sex thing is about. There’s a sense that there’s got to be ‘more’, but not much guidance on how.

I realised that of course not everyone has the time or interest to spend decades in the types of spiritual discipline I’ve followed – so my challenge has been how to get to the core of it all so as to enable busy modern people to understand and feel the essence of real sex.

That’s where Tantra comes in. It’s a spiritual and energetic approach to sex and life that comes from ancient India. There are many other cultures that took sex seriously and studied it as an Art and as a Science – the Taoists of China and Qidosha from North America are two other well-known ones (actually, virtually any society other than Western society). These approaches to sex are much broader and deeper than that of the West, which tends to be either sleazy, prudish or clinical. Real sex is deep and erotic and poetic and intense and beautiful and bizarre, and is whatever it is at that time and at that place…

So, back to me. I have the extraordinary privilege of spending much of my time talking to people at the most intimate level about their lives and particularly about their sex lives. So I know what’s really going on in the bedrooms of the world, I’m at the coal face so to speak. I have a pretty good idea of what people are thinking and feeling, where they're getting it wrong and the type of guidance and learning they need to find fulfillment, meaning and satisfaction in love and life. We can talk about this to some extent, and through the talking enable some pretty major changes. But talking, however inspiring, can only go so far. You have to feel it.

Which is why I’ve taken the core concepts of all these traditions, which these days all tend to go under the general title of 'Tantra', and present them in a way that’s understandable and accessible to modern people. Sometimes these are activities that are commonly known from Tantra, sometimes they’re taken from other relevant experiences I’ve had, and quite often I’ll meditate on an issue and an activity will be virtually ‘downloaded’ into my mind. (Then I practice on my partner to see if it works – he’s so obliging!)

That’s what my Tantric workshops are all about: getting in touch with the energy of sex through presence, then expressing it in a very real way. It’s different, and it’s life-changing. It’s not for the faint-hearted – swallow this little blue pill and there aint no turning back! (to quote The Matrix) But the reality on the other side of looking glass…Awesome.

Well, that was sharing more of myself than I usually feel comfortable doing. But, hey, if I'm asking you to push your boundaries, I have to push some of mine!


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