The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#231: A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 29, 2018

An orgasm is good, great in fact, but it gets better than that - it gets orgasmic!

Yes, the range of orgasms and orgasmic experiences we can have is mind-blowing. If you think sex is about stimulating your genitals until you have an orgasm and then you’re done, oh boy, have you got a long way to go! And what a journey!

To have a nice clitoral orgasm if you’re a woman, or to have a nice ejaculation if you’re a man, is important. Some women have trouble with this, so I love to help them start to have orgasms. It’s just the start though…

For women in particular, the orgasmic possibilities are vast, but men too can experience a lot more than just an ejaculation, and they can certainly have more than one. Women, well, women can get into an orgasmic state - and stay there a long time!

Let’s start with women. How to achieve this? Well, for a start, don’t think that once you’ve had an orgasm you’re done. Far from it. Often the first orgasm is little more than stress release. Even the second might be a nice build up and small explosion. By then you’ll be nicely aroused and you can start having orgasmic 'waves', where the pleasure comes in waves as it rises and falls, or get into an orgasmic 'state', which is when you can barely tell if you’re orgasming or not, it all feels so good, and which lasts for extended periods of time.

So once you’ve had an orgasm, stay with it. If it’s a clitoral orgasm, keep you or your partner’s hand lightly touching the clitoris, without stimulating and feel the yummy pleasure suffuse your body. Breathe with it, luxuriate in it, then you’ll find in a little while you can build up the stimulation again, heading for another orgasm or finding yourself in an orgasmic state of wow-I-can’t-imagine-it-could-feel-better-than-this type sensation (not that you’ll be thinking as your mind will be turned off!).

It’s the same for vaginal orgasms - once you’ve come, slow down movement and stay with the delicious feeling, drawing it throughout your body. Only after a while of really immersing yourself in the feeling so that the orgasmic feeling is drawn out do you start movement again.

This applies to however you have an orgasm - some women can orgasm from having non-genital parts of their bodies stimulated - nipples, neck, thighs, lips, mouth (yes, you can orgasm giving oral sex), others can orgasm from simply being watched, others from breathing with their partner, or even on their own. However the orgasm arises, stay with the feeling, minimise stimulation, then slowly build up again. This will allow you to go to ever higher stages of arousal, leading to orgasmic states rather than specific orgasms (or both!).

And for men, the key is to not focus on your ejaculation but on her pleasure. That way after you’ve had an orgasm you can keep on going. Make sure your orgasms don’t come from tension, but come from release. Stay inside her and tune in to the on-going sensation in your penis, allowing the sensation to pervade your body, so after the ejaculation you experience a whole body orgasm that can last for quite a while. Bring your attention back to your partner and focus on her pleasure.

The more you practice this approach, the more she’ll be letting go and staying highly aroused, as though she’s in an altered state of consciousness, which you’ll find highly arousing and which will allow you to stay present to the love-making without needing to roll over and go to sleep (as long as you’re not doing this late at night, in which case a sweet little bonk is probably more appropriate).

Chances are you’ll be able to have another ejaculatory orgasm, or you might prefer to simply swim in the pleasure of her pleasure. As my partner says: “It’s like swimming in the energy you release and I don’t necessarily need to come myself.”

Having said that, for some men it’s important that they learn to receive before they can have extended orgasmic experiences, in which case the approach outlined above for women works for men. Have the partner focus on the man, bring him to orgasm, stop stimulation but continue focusing on the penis, he stays with the sensation, breathing it throughout his body, then you can continue with stimulation. Do this for as long as you like - you can keep this up for hours!


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