The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#158 Let’s Talk About Our Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, April 29, 2016

I was chatting with an attractive woman in her mid-40s at a party recently. She’d told me that after a brief disastrous marriage she hadn’t been able to successfully ‘do’ the relationship thing, as she put it, so she was fascinated to hear about my work and life.

After a while she got a puzzled look on her face and asked hesitantly: “Do you two talk about your sex life?”

“Why, yes, of course we do,” I replied.

“So do you, like, talk about what you like and don’t like and that sort of stuff,” she asked with curiosity.


“And do you schedule sex, do you plan it?”


She mused on this a while, then said with wide-eyed amazement: “So for you two sex is like a hobby! Something you talk about and plan and discuss…”

“Well, yes,” I smiled, “you could say it’s our hobby.”

“Wow,” she said thoughtfully, “I always thought sex was something that had to be secretive and furtive, something that just had to ‘happen’…. No wonder my relationships never worked!”

She was probably right. Like anything else in life that you share - from the mundane domestic duties through to the fun holidays and outings - it’s a lot better if you talk about it together.

Of course, if your idea of sex is: roll on, do the deed, roll off, go to sleep; well, then you probably don’t need to talk about it. But if you fancy something at least a touch more interactive, then communication is required.

People do have funny ideas about talking about sex, or to be more specific, about not talking about sex:
  • They find it awkward or embarrassing.
  • They feel it would be unsexy to talk about sex.
  • They feel, like the woman above, that there is some unwritten rule that says you can’t talk about sex.
  • They feel they shouldn't need to, it should just ‘happen naturally’.
In regard to the last three: 
  • Does talking about food make it less delicious? No, in fact it can add to the experience of eating. 
  • There are no rules about sex, other than that it be consensual, and there is certainly no rule about not speaking. 
  • Humans are not mind-readers so can never know for sure what’s going on for you unless you verbalise to some degree.
As to feelings of awkwardness when talking about sex, I’ve found that’s very common, and it takes practice to increase your comfort level.

Having a chat about your love making session immediately after, when you’re both languishing in the post-coital phase is a good time. The happy, bonding hormones are flowing and you can share what you liked with each other. Gradually you can add what you might like more of, or what else you might like to try, or what you didn’t like.

Then you can start having a pre-sex chat, then during-sex chats, and chats outside the bedroom - until you feel comfortable almost anywhere.

As your comfort level with talking about your sex life gets better, so will your sex life.


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