The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#145: Finger Finesse

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, November 05, 2015


A clitoral orgasm is a very fine thing.  It can leave you drained though.

If you approach clitoral orgasm like a male ejaculatory orgasm, then it becomes about a build-up of localised sensation leading to an explosive orgasm where you feel an outward burst of energy. Momentarily pleasurable, but often flat afterwards, and you’re generally not able to continue lovemaking afterwards (whether alone or with a partner). You feel kind of, well, done.

A far better way to approach clitoral orgasm is the slow build, allowing arousal to rise and fall, losing yourself in the pleasure of the sensation moment by moment. Then when the orgasm arrives, you open to it and fall into it. There is no tension, there is no grasping for the orgasm, and there is no sense of forcing it. It’s a welling up and releasing. And that releasing feels more than just genital, as though your whole body is washed with warmth and pleasure.

Then you can leave your hand (or your partner’s) over your clitoris, just touching it lightly without movement, palm over your pubis, as you relax into the feeling and allow the waves of pleasure to wash over you. This can help maintain the sensation for some time. Then, if you wish, you can do it again - even several more times.

Clitoral orgasm in this way is not draining; it’s energising. By the end of the lovemaking session, whether solo or partnered, you have a sense of being “filled-up” or recharged.

You might also find that each orgasm in succession has a different feel to it. I often find that the first feels more like tension release, it’s allowing my body to get into a deeper state of relaxation, so that subsequent orgasms are fuller and richer and more blissful.

For this approach to clitoral orgasm I recommend using fingers rather than a vibrator. Fingers have more finesse, more delicacy and complexity. You can play with stroke and pressure and rhythm far more easily with fingers than with a fixed implement. While I’m not against vibrators, they can be too intense for this style of pleasure and orgasm. Often women tell me they find it easier to orgasm with a vibrator. I don’t doubt it. But does the fact that it’s easier to put a frozen dinner in a microwave rather than cook from scratch, make it better? No, it’s just easier.

So I believe that if you want quality clitoral orgasms - ones with subtlety and variation and, to use a musical term, timbre, then it’s good to develop finger finesse, both your own and those of your lover.

Then let the long-lasting pleasure begin!


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