The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#80: What Do Men Love Best About Sex?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I’ve spoken to hundreds of heterosexual men at the most intimate levels about their sex lives. I always ask them what it is they love most about sex. And do you know what the answer is?

If you have an old-fashioned view of sex, that ‘men have their needs’ and that really they are just animalistic creatures who need to get their end in to get their rocks off then you’d probably say something like: having an orgasm.

But no. All the men, bar a couple of complete jerks, have told me that what they love best about sex is their partner’s pleasure. Yes: the more pleasure she has, the more pleasure he has...

This makes sense because women have greater potential for sexual response than men. Men are a bit limited in the sexual response area, especially if you think of sex as penis activity - penises can only last so long and can generally only have the one orgasm and then they’re done.

Women however can last and last. Women can really go places sexually. And when a woman goes places sexually, she takes her man along with her.

So it makes sense that men love to please sexually - they’re doing it for their own pleasure!

It’s hard for a lot of women to believe this though. The number of times I’ve had couples sitting on the couch together and the man is saying: “Yes, I want her to enjoy sex, I don’t enjoy it if she doesn’t.” And she’s replying with a disbelieving: “Nah, that’s not true, you just want to have sex.”

Or a wife will say: “But I’m giving you sex twice a week, what’s the problem?” And the man will reply: “I don’t want you to give me sex, I want you to want it and enjoy it!”

Over and over again the men say to me that if she’s not enjoying it, then he’s not enjoying it.

Men are not animalistic creatures. To some extent they were forced to in the bad old days when society thought women weren’t sexual and men were, so a man needed to be ‘serviced’ regularly. It was nothing more than men masturbating inside their wives.

More aware modern men, who know that women are sexual, don’t want that, because it is just masturbation. In fact it’s worse than masturbation because it leaves him feeling unloved and undesired. He might get some stress relief at a physical level, but at an emotional level it can be damaging. Far better to actually masturbate. Which is what a lot of men do in preference to unconnected, unwanted obligation sex.

This is why advising that women should ‘just do it’ and ‘take one for the team’ will never satisfy either sex, because men don’t want obligation sex.

Men want to be wanted. They want sex to be good. They want her to have a great time, and they’ll do their best to make sure she does - for both their benefits.


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