The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#274: Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It - the foundation of great sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 30, 2019

 Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels

I love using food metaphors
when educating and inspiring people around sexuality. We understand the variety, the flavours, the processes and ingredients – from simple to complex - when it comes to food. So, it is with sex too.

One of my most important food analogies is that great sex is non-linear, more like a picnic than a three-course meal. More recently I wrote about ‘relationship vitamins’, all the little things that are needed to make a relationship strong and healthy and sexy.

Today I’d like to use the metaphor of a cake and icing (frosting for my North American readers). Icing is sweet and delicious, but on its own, it’s too sweet and is sickly rather than tasty. Icing is only good when it’s on a cake. When you have a delicious cake, and then you ice it – mmm, yummy scrummy!

When we’re talking about sex, what you’re actually doing is the icing. Everything that goes into yourselves individually and as a couple, is the cake. That’s who you are as a couple, your dynamic, how you approach and engage intimately and sexually.

I’ve developed a model, the seven elements of sexuality, which I’ve described in an earlier blog article on sexual evolution (and which forms the basis of my online courses Luscious Womanand Black Belt in the Bedroom, my couples retreatsand women’s workshops and my book Seven Sex Goddesses). These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These seven elements are the ‘cake’. Check out the diagram below.

If the cake isn’t good, if it’s under-cooked and soggy, over-cooked and hard, missing vital ingredients so tastes bad, then it doesn’t matter how good the icing is, it’s still going to be bad. Icing is pretty straight-forward, it’s the cake that’s the challenge.

So, it’s vital that you focus on these elements of your relationship and sexuality. If you’re missing any, or not developed in some, then focus on those. Then the icing will be pretty straight-forward.

Another way to think of this is that it’s not what you do sexually, it’s how you do it, the attitude and approach and all these elements that underlie the what.

We tend to focus way too much on the what, and not enough on the why. It’s like putting all your attention on making the icing and ignoring the cake. What a disaster! Like so many people’s sex lives!

So, get baking!


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