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#17: Three Things a Whole Man Needs

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Three things a (hetero) man needs to come into a positive, balanced masculinity:

1) Self-worth Through Purpose

It’s critical for a man to have a clear sense of purpose in his life. I so often see men having relationship and sexual problems because in part because they don’t have a strong sense of purpose. This leads to a dependence on being satisfied from his partner, manifesting as an unattractive neediness (a self-aware woman will not find neediness appealing). Or it will lower his sense of self-worth, creating a wimpish energy causing his partner to be too strong and controlling, just to survive. Other men do the opposite, feeling a lack of purpose and therefore a lack of self worth in themselves, they make up for it by becoming dominant and aggressive.

A man who is centered and in purpose will move purposefully through life, not needy of validation by others, less blown around by the whims of others, less given to maudlin self-doubt, and less prone to denial covered by aggression.

 2) Communion with Other Men

Men need other men. Not necessarily in the sitting around drinking cups of tea and chatting way that women tend to do - although they can. Generally men will more “do” things together; tinker in the shed, throw a ball around, go sailing, fishing, motorbike riding, play war games. It may or may not involve much talking, that doesn’t matter. It’s being with other men, what I call “communing” with other men that matters.

 3) Union with his Beloved

After talking so intimately with so many men, I believe that men are actually more emotional about sex than women are. Sex is so much more than just a 'release', which can be dealt with through masturbation, Men need sex with their beloved to connect with her, to feel her, to know the deepest, most real side of her. They crave union with her. A man who has this connection will feel so much more satisfied with himself and his life.

But to achieve this is not easy. Too many men go straight to looking to sex to give them fulfillment, without working on self-worth through purpose, or male communion. But without these first two ways of fulfilling himself he won’t be the type of man that allows for true union and therefore allow for more powerfully satisfying sex. The more purposeful in himself and the more in communion with other men that a man is, the better able he will be to be the centered, open man required to enable his partner to be open and centered, and through that have powerfully connected and erotic sex.


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