The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#129: Inviting A Third (or fourth or more…) - the right way to play

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The thought of sex with multiple partners can be deliciously arousing. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught.

For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do it’s job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous as inviting other people into your love play.

It can be done though, if it’s done very carefully.

It might seem that I’m coming on a bit heavy about the safety aspect here, but I can’t tell you how many couples have come to me with damaged relationships due to mishandling this kind of thing.

Inviting the neighbours over for a drink and getting smashed is not a good framework in which to explore swinging!

It sounds funny reading it here, but the reality is far from amusing.

This kind of play only works well if you approach it as a strong couple, clear on your expectations, understanding why you’re doing it, constantly communicating where you’re at, and being ready to support your partner or ask for support if you need it.

So, firstly, if you’re going to consider inviting in someone for a threesome, or a couple for swinging foursome, or get involved in group sex…you have to talk about it.

What is your fantasy - is it another man, another woman, another couple, a group of strangers? Someone you know, someone you don’t know at all?

Why do you want to be with more than just your partner? What is it about the encounter that turns you on?

What do you actually want to do? Watch your partner with someone else, be watched, or all play together? Do you want to have intercourse with the other player(s), or are they there to add to the excitement while you only have intercourse, or even any genital contact, with your partner?

These are really important questions, and you need to be clear about the answers, so that you’re going into the encounter well prepared, on the same team, and supportive of each other.

During the encounter you also need to be there for each other, checking that the other is ok , and signalling that you are too. You need to have ways of showing your partner if you’re not ok. And most importantly, if your partner needs to slow down or stop, that’s perfectly fine, even if you’re enjoying it yourself. Your bond as a couple overrides any immediate pleasure you’re having. You (plural) come first.

Then, after an encounter with other players, have a good debrief - not only does this allow the erotic enjoyment to linger as you talk through all the good bits, you also share any challenging moments, and generally strengthen your bond.

So, if that all sounds appealing, and you’re willing to do it right, then I’d say you’re right to give it a go!


Listen to the audio version - the LoveLife Podcast!


Recent Posts

Earlier Posts



to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!

For more great sex advice -
read my books!