The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#220 Foreplay and Be-Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 16, 2017

As the famous quote from John Cleese in “the Meaning of Life” goes: “You don’t just go barreling on down to the clitoris! What’s wrong with a kiss?”

Too many people wrongly think that the clitoris is some kind of magical on/off button for women’s arousal. Too mainly people wrongly believe that if you start playing with her clitoris then she’ll be ready for “the main event” (i.e, intercourse).

But genital stimulation is not foreplay.

Personally I refer to any kind of genital interaction as “sex”: oral sex, manual sex, intercourse.

Foreplay is what you do before you get genital... 

In the case of most women, foreplay is what’s required to get her aroused enough to want genital play. That’s right, you don’t touch the genitals to arouse a woman, she already has to be aroused to want to have her genitals touched.

It’s the same for many men, not all men appreciate a grope of the penis as the preliminary for sex. The vast majority of men I speak to - and I speak to many, many, many men - like foreplay (by my definition) as much, if not more, than women.

So foreplay is the kissing and the touching and the stroking and dancing and the story telling and the teasing and whatever else it is that you like, that gets you connecting and desiring each other at a deep, and sexy, level. Without this phase, unless you’re very horny, you’re not going to have particularly satisfying sex.

But it’s not just about what you do in the bedroom – desire and connection and intimacy and arousal all start way before you get to the bedroom. I call it “Beforeplay”. It’s about keeping the “mmm” factor alive so that you do want and desire each other. It’s the small things, such as the way you look at each other; the feeling behind a kiss, even a peck; the genuine complements and tokens of appreciation; continuing with gestures of physical affection; maintaining positive interactions; being genuinely interested in your partner and what they have to say; feeling open and safe enough to be honest with each other and never taking the other for granted.

Satisfying, bonding sex means effectively living life as foreplay.

It’s about never becoming complacent.

It’s about treating your partner as your lover all the time.


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