The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 18, 2017

Let’s talk about that most erotic of organs – our brain.

I had a client come to me stating that he was “the Mr Bean of sex”, clueless. Some sessions later he summed up his learnings with “now I get that I have to be a whole lot more creative…”

Yep, if you rely on hormones and pheromones to run your sex life, you’ll have a very brief flourish of passion at the start and then it will all die away. That’s fine if all you want sex for is to reproduce; biologically speaking that initial frenzy of hormone-driven passion will ensure the continuation of the species. However, over the millenia it has been shown that human babies need a lot of attention to grow to successful adults who have babies of their own, so if their parents can stay bonded then their survival rate goes up. So thankfully our large brains mean that not only do we have the ability to cooperate in the raising of our children, we can also create the great sex that will make that cooperation so much easier.

That should be pretty straight-forward, but our overly clever brains are just as good at talking us out of taking a playful creative approach to sex as they are at allowing that creativity and play to flourish.

Those darn beliefs and ‘shoulds’ that get in the way. I’m sure that half my time with clients is spent examining limiting beliefs and helping people identify if they really are genuine disinterests or whether it’s actually a false belief that’s holding them back.

For example:
  • If you think sex has to be at night, you’re missing out on opportunities during the day. 
  • If you think you can’t do it outside in case someone sees, you’re missing out on the titillation of possibly being caught. 
  • If you think you can’t get up to kinky mischief with your partner because they are the mother/father of your children, you’re limiting yourself.
  • If you think it’s ‘silly’ for older lovers to play sexual games, you’ll miss out on a lot of fun.
  • If you think the man should initiate and lead and be the one to introduce new activities, then you’ll miss out on what she has to offer.
  • And if you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos, crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and pleasure or any other activity (as long as it’s between consenting adults) is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it’s time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.
Stop for a moment and think about something that turns you on but you can’t help feeling that perhaps you ’shouldn’t’. Let’s say (to be a little controversial) you have a fantasy about rough sex, but you think that as a modern new age man you’d never dream of treating your wife like that, or as a modern woman with feminist sensibilities you’d never dream of being treated like that. Rather than condemning it outright (and secretly lusting for it), bring it out in the open and try it out. Have a safe word in case your boundaries start getting pushed a bit far, then play with it. Put on a pair of old (but still sexy) knickers so that he can rip them off with his teeth as he expresses his mad passion for you!
Get the idea?

Take the concept and play with it, pushing your boundaries a little. A desire for rough sex doesn’t mean a desire for actual rape. (If it does, you do need to see a psychologist. Similarly, with any desire that doesn’t involve consenting adults. Having sex with your wife dressed up as a school girl is fine, actually having sex with a school girl is not.)

Now I’m certainly not saying that good sex is kinky sex, and that if you’re not having group sex at swingers parties then you’re a prude. Far from it. You can have extraordinarily beautiful sex under the covers in missionary position with the lights off, if that is what is genuinely erotic for you at the time. But if you’re having sex like that because you think it’s the only way you should have sex, and anything else is bad, then you’re preventing yourself from evolving sexually and reaching your sexual potential.

If the thought of something titillates you and would enlarge your spirit by doing it, then go ahead. Make the suggestion or request to your partner and don’t be shy. If you’re on the receiving end of the request or suggestion, be honest. If you fancy trying some light bondage for instance, suggest it. If your partner says no, or even “You’ve got to be joking!” then fine. But if it’s “Hmm, maybe … ” then give it a go: put on those stilettos and little else, slowly peel off your stockings one by one and tie your partner to the bed, then force him to watch as you prance around… (or slowly undo your tie or belt if you’re male and proceed as above…)

Pushing your boundaries, owning your eroticism, is liberating. It frees you, allowing you both to surrender to the act.

It’s in the surrender that you find your way to heaven.


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