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Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me

#93: Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, March 04, 2014



I’m often asked questions like this one I received through Women’s Health Magazine:

My boyfriend wants to watch porn with me, and I have nothing against porn, but I haven't found any that turns me on – the women tend to be all fake-tanned and fake-nailed, and the sex is so staged. Can you make any recommendations on porn that appeals to both men and women?

And my response to enquiries like this tends to be along the lines of:

Porn doesn't do it for everyone. Those close-ups of genitals, ham acting, no plot - for many people that's a "turn me off, baby"! While many people find porn to be a short-cut to rapid arousal, others find it short-circuits arousal and turns them cold.

If you're in the latter group, it's better to find your erotic turn-ons elsewhere: in books, movies, food, poetry, clothing, music - create experiences that really turn you on, from the inside out. Seek seduction, not sleaze; pleasure, not porn; sensuality not superficiality; fun, not fake.

If you and your boyfriend look for real connection and deep eroticism you’ll be enjoying yourselves, lost in sensation, way more than you ever could watching bodies on a screen bumping against each other.

It's not a male versus female thing, there are women who do like the blatancy of porn, and men who find it unappealing. As you know, I don’t buy into the “men-are-like-this” and “woman-are-like-that” polarised view of the sexes. This is one area though, where there’s a difference: men tend to watch and enjoy porn a lot more than women do.

So if you don't enjoy watching porn, there’s nothing wrong with the porn, or with you - no, you’re not frigid! - it’s just not a match.

Even though some scientific studies have shown that when women watch porn,  instruments in their vaginas measuring their physiological response indicate they are responding physically to what they’re watching. Maybe they are, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are enjoying it. Women lubricate and can even have orgasms while being raped, that doesn’t mean they’re enjoying it. Physiological response does not always indicate enjoyment.

Personally, I’ve tried to find porn that is in some way arousing for me and I’ve never found anything, and yet I’m a highly sexual women! I much prefer a classy erotic movie with a plot, soft lighting, and no sections that look like an anatomy lesson. But that’s me.

As I say, there’s no right or wrong, if you like it great, if you don’t, great! Just don’t think there’s something wrong with you or your partner if you don’t like it. There will be plenty of other activities that you will both love.





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