The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#35: Phone Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, July 11, 2011

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, it can make the loins grow hotter!

So here are some pointers.

Keep it Real

Just because you’re talking sex with your lover, doesn’t mean you have to go all slutty and dirty like the paid phone sex girls - unless that’s your thing! If you think you have to be something other than who you really are, then you’re going to feel awkward and it’s not going to feel good for either of you. So be yourself - mostly…

Push it a Little

Having said that, this is your opportunity to play and fantasise. I’ve had clients make amazing strides forward in opening up to each other, by being playful in their phone/email/skype/text sex. You can start to push your comfort zones a little, because it’s safe, it’s just words!

Start Simple

If you’re wondering how to start, keep it simple. A comment like: “I was thinking about you last night in bed…” could be enough to get things going if your partner replies with: “Oh, yes, and what were you thinking…” From there you can start to describe something fairly normal for you, such as: “I was thinking how wonderful it feels when you caress my skin…” Then continue describing something that you regularly do and would like to be doing with your partner, or describe some particularly good sex that you have had in the past.

Get Creative

Once you’re comfortable with the general idea of talking about sex and describing sex with your partner, then you can start getting creative. You can ask each other questions such as:

  • ‘What’s one thing we haven’t done that you’d like to do?’
  • ‘What’s something you’d like to do with me that you wish you (or I) were brave enough?’
  • ‘What’s something you wouldn’t actually want to do in real life, but the thought of it turns you on?’
Once you’ve got the germ of an idea, play with it. Put yourself in that situation and imagine how it might be.

The World’s Your Oyster

In fact, you might find it easier to be totally in fantasy land. Pretend you’re in another age, or another culture, even another planet! What periods of history do you find sexiest? Perhaps a book or movie has inspired you. Could you be a pirate queen with her captive, the sultan or chief courtesan in a Turkish harem, lords and ladies in the court of King Louis, slaves or guests at an orgy in Roman times…? The possibilities are endless. Start describing any of these scenarios to your partner, and see where it takes you!

Get Your Partner Involved

You don’t have to do all the work! Ask your partner questions along the way, get them to suggest what they’d like or how they’d like the conversation to go. That makes it twice the fun!

Keep it Light

If the conversation starts going in a direction you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t panic! Let your partner know that that’s enough for the time being, to be continued later. Or steer the conversation back in a direction you do feel comfortable with. You can always start with: “Oh, I don’t think so! I think this might happen…” Keep it light, keep it playful.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Importantly, if your partner says anything that upsets you, don’t turn nasty and take it out on your partner. You need to realise that you’re both playing with your boundaries here, you’re both testing ideas and thoughts, it’s as much a learning experience as a sexual experience.


If you’re really stuck with what to say, get a book of erotica and read one of the short stories to your partner. That could be enough in itself, or be the basis of further discussion….

Like anything, it can be awkward to get started, but you get better with practice. You’ll probably surprise yourself with just how creative you can get!



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