The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#309: Moment-by-Moment Consent

- Saturday, December 19, 2020

Consent is of course essential to quality sex. I think we all agree on that in the year 2021. But generally, that’s considered a ‘yes’ at the start of a linear process that once started has to go through all the steps, right to the end, meeting all the expected KPI’s along the way. That’s what the ‘yes’ has agreed to.

But what if you don’t want to go through the linear process? What if you don’t know yet if you want step 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever your script is? Or even if you thought you might, what if you change your mind along the way and want to do something different or stop altogether? In the standard model of sex it’s too late, you’ve already said ‘yes’, you’ve already given consent.

Or conversely, if you think your consent is saying yes to the whole process and you don’t know yet if you want to go to the later steps, then you might say ‘no’ up-front. Which is rather like saying ‘no’ to a meal because you don’t know if you’ll want dessert yet.

In the non-linear approach to sex that I advocate, consent is a moment-by-moment experience. What am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Throughout the whole experience.

Having this conscious, mindful awareness of where you’re at, and communicating it with each other (checking in verbally if you’re not sure) means that you break free of the limited linear scripts that most people fall into. Instead you open yourself up to a co-created process of authentic self-expression. That way the sexual encounter can be as simple as a kiss and a cuddle, all the way through to potentially hours of varied love-making.

What’s important is what you are feeling in the moment and expressing that. In this way a sexual act evolves, it unfolds moment-by-moment. Each sexual encounter becomes unique, meeting your needs and desires at all points along the way, creating an experience of mutuality, connection, pleasure and satisfaction.


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