I often say that all the dysfunctions we have around sex are more to do with society's dysfunctional model of sex, rather than the people doing it. I've written elsewhere how the model of 'normal' sex is based on solo masturbation rather than partnered love-making. This makes it structured and linear, with success measured by action and performance, rather than being free-flowing and non-linear, with success measured by feeling and connectedness.
Since 'sex' is seen as having key KPIs of penis-in-vagina activity (god only knows what lesbians do) with requisite orgasms, all of which happens in a set linear way, it means that out of fear/awkwardness/confusion/distaste people avoid any kind of love-making or even affection so as avoid what they see as ‘sex’ - and then feel really bad about not having sex!
It’s a bit of a catch-22 type of situation.
As I pointed out to a client caught in this dilemma on her first visit recently: you can make love with just a kiss. When she returned on her next visit she looked quite different.
“So how have the last two weeks been,” I asked, my standard first question.
“And now?” I asked.
“Now I realise that we are making love! We do love each other very much, and now we’re allowing ourselves to express that love physically, without the pressure to end up with intercourse.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“It’s a relief! Now we can be free to take our time without that awful pressure to do something that felt so awkward. Now I feel excited and confident that we will be able to have sex again, but in our own time when it feels right. It’s almost like we’re teenagers again - and this time we’re going to get it right!”
Time after time I see clients limited by their belief around what ‘sex’ is and what they ‘should’ be doing. There are no ‘shoulds’! That’s head stuff, limiting head stuff. There’s only what feels right. If what your body is feeling and what your head is thinking are not aligned, then tune into your body first, then use your head to do what it does best, think and be creative, and devise ways to get the feeling in your body right.
So to use the example above, if your head is saying you should have sex, and your body is saying you don’t want sex, then your head needs to ask your body what it does want. In this case her body wanted to express her love for her partner, but felt pressured to have intercourse. Once her head realised she didn’t need to have intercourse to make love, her body felt relieved, relaxed, and could happily express her love physically, knowing that she could go at her own pace - and she was actually looking forward to the time when they included intercourse in their love-making repertoire.
When you are both doing this, then you can co-create beautiful, intimate, playful, erotic, loved-up experiences, regardless of whether your genitals are involved or not!