The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#144: Reluctance is Not Frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, October 29, 2015

I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…

Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.

The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself.

I see so many women who have forced themselves to have sex when they weren’t ready (and by the way, if your sexual activity includes anal sex and fisting, she needs to be very very ready). They’ve been subjecting themselves to constant low level sexual trauma, and over time they’ve come to hate sex. 

In some cases, women have subjected themselves to high level trauma. Some of the things women get up to without truly wanting to are extraordinary - if they were getting paid for doing stuff they don’t want to it might make some sense, but they do it for free!

As I’ve explained elsewhere, a woman’s body opens in stages. You can’t go barreling down to the genitals. In fact you can’t go barreling into a kiss if she’s not ready.

If you go too far too fast her body isn’t ready. So if she’s saying ‘no’, it means ‘no’.

Chances are it actually means: ‘I’m not ready for that yet'.

If this is you, this means you need to tune into your body and check where you’re at and what you’re ready to do. Then let your partner know.

(This applies to guys too if their partner is going too fast for them, and half the couples I see the man has the lower desire, so it’s very common. The only real difference is that a man generally can’t force himself to have sex if he’s not up to it - literally!)

There are no rules with sex, and you don’t have to proceed at a certain pace or in a certain order. You’ve got to treat sex like a picnic rather than a three course meal. All you have to do is what’s right for you at that particular moment.

Now for some women, there are additional barriers:
  • She might have been raised in a very sexually conservative family. I’ve found that girls who are brought up with a ‘no sex before marriage’ approach to sex, often have trouble moving from a ‘sex is bad’ to a ‘sex is good’ attitude, even when they are married or in a committed relationship.
  • She might have experienced sexual abuse or trauma. Whether this occurred as a child or later in life, it can definitely cause a woman to withdraw from sexual interaction or limit that interaction.
If there are these mental or emotional barriers in place, then all the more reason to proceed with care as it will take even more attentiveness for her to become ready. If as the woman or her partner you don’t feel up to that challenge, then seeing someone like me can help shift beliefs around sex and allow a woman to blossom into the fullness of her sexuality.

It can't be forced. If you want a bud to bloom, you can’t coerce it or you’ll end up with a broken flower. 

Guys, to learn about how to be the kind of lover that knows how to bring out the best in your partner so there is no reluctance, I recommend you do my online program for men - Black Belt in the Bedroom.

And women, to know who you are and what you want and be able to express that, I recommend you do my online course for women - Luscious Woman or come to a Luscious Woman Workshop!

Once you’ve developed these skills and self-awareness, reluctance and ‘frigidity’ will be a thing of the past!


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