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#120: Don’t Fake It Till You Make It - ‘Cause You Won’t Make It

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 14, 2015

If you want to spice up your sex life, it’s got to be real. There’s no point faking it. That would be like putting fake spices into a curry - it might look good, but if it tastes terrible there’s no point. If you fake sexual pleasure you’re deceiving your partner and you’ll end up frustrated and resentful.

“Fake it till you make it” might work in some parts of life, but not with sex.

I had a client once who came to me after faking orgasm with her husband for seven years. She wanted me to help her become orgasmic with him without actually telling him she’d ever faked it.

What a dilemma!

She had two choices: 1) confess that she’d been faking it and work with him to become orgasmic again: or 2) not tell him anything and replace the fake orgasms with real orgasms.

I would have preferred if she’d gone with option #1 as it’s so much easier to make changes to a couple’s love life if they are both involved. But she felt he’d be devastated if she admited she’d been faking it for so long (probably with good reason), so went for option #2.

It was the trickier option, but it did actually work (whew!). To do so she needed to take more control of their love-making, expand their sexual repertoire, improve the lead-up to sex and learn a lot more about her own body and sex in general.

Fortunately that time the transition from being fake to being real succeeded. But, you know, wouldn’t it have been a lot easier if she’d never started faking it in the first place!

Ladies, please, I ask you to put one hand over your heart and raise the other and say out loud: “I will not fake orgasm.”

Now say it again, more firmly and with conviction: “I WILL NOT FAKE ORGASM!”

Excellent. Now stick to that resolve.

You could possibly be excused if you were with someone for the first time and were absolutely sure you’d never see him again – but why let him think he’s done something he hasn’t? It’s just setting the next woman up for failure. Or maybe if you’re in a long-term relationship and usually orgasm but for some reason you’re too tired or something and aren’t going to make it. But in that case why not tell him you’re not going to make it and just enjoy the closeness?

Sex is not just about orgasm. It’s the journey not the destination.

People are so obsessed with the Big ‘O’ these days, that men feel inadequate if they don’t give their partner an orgasm (or several) and women feel inadequate if they don’t have an orgasm. This all adds to performance anxiety, which actually makes the likelihood of causing/having an orgasm even less.

Chill out! You don’t have to have/cause an orgasm! Of course it’s a wonderful part of sex, but it’s not obligatory. If you’re having on-going problems with orgasm then it’s worth the both of you focusing on ways to enable orgasm – note that I say both of you – and to do so in an inspired, playful way, rather than a got-to-have-an-orgasm-at-all-costs kind of way. That all or nothing thinking leads to faking it and faking leads to on-going problems.

So ladies, never fake it. And guys, don’t take it as a personal affront if she doesn’t make it. Get playful, get creative, and you’ll have so much fun there won’t be a need for any faking.

Note: And if you’re a man who fakes it, and there are plenty who do. The same applies to you.


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