you have to add it to something that’s already good.

I mean, put a teaspoon of saffron or chilli into your mouth, chew some cinnamon sticks or crunch on some dried juniper berries, and it will be a pretty unimpressive gustatory experience. It might even be nauseatingly awful.

Add those same spices to a curry, a stew, a cake, and it can transform the good into the exceptionally sublime.

It’s the same with sex.

If you’re wanting to spice up your sex life you need to make sure you’ve got a good solid sex life first.

No sex toy, lingerie or new position ever transformed a sex life that wasn’t solid to start with; and if you try some of the more extreme spicy versions of sex without excellent connection and brilliant communication then it could well turn traumatic.

So make sure you’ve got the basics first: make sure you’ve got the bonding happening, that beforeplay is an on-going never stopping part of life, and that your sexual connection is real and solid.

Then, and only then, can you check out the spice rack and start experimenting.

Download Audio: Spice Alone Tastes Terrible

Most of us have fetishes of some kind or another. If you’re lucky, they’re socially acceptable, and not even considered fetishes - such as if you’re a woman who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes; but if your fetishes are not socially acceptable - such as if you’re a man who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes, well, then you’ve got problems. For example, in our society in general:

• Women are permitted to find wearing lacy knickers erotic, men are not.

• If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s breasts, you’re considered completely normal. If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s feet, you’re considered abnormal. Simply because society considers breasts to be sexual parts of the body, but not feet. Feet lovers are considered to be deviant.

• If you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight silk dress, you’re normal. But if you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight latex dress, you’re abnormal. Simply because society deems silk to be acceptable material for dresses, but not latex. Latex wearers are considered to be deviant.
  
  
• If you find the sensation of a feather tickling your skin pleasurable, you’re normal; if you find the sensation of a leather paddle striking your skin, you’re not. Simply because tickling sensations are considered sexually normal, but not spanking sensations. Spanking is considered to be deviant.

What is considered problematic, is if the fetish interferes with the person’s life so that they can’t function in society normally, such as if it becomes compulsive. Interestingly, it’s often the fact that the fetish is considered abnormal that it causes problems.

Take cross-dressing. If the cross-dresser lives in an ‘alternative’ part of town and can freely walk down the street dressed in women’s clothing without anyone batting an eye, then it’s not a problem. If he lives in a conservative area, that can cause difficulties. If his partner is fine with his desire to dress in women’s clothing, then it’s not a problem; if she finds his fetish repulsive, then they’ve got a problem.

If one person has a fetish and the other doesn’t share it, then as with any other interest, you need to work with it. If one likes golf, the other doesn’t have to play golf too, that partner can play golf with golf-loving friends. If one is a vegetarian and the other loves meat, then you work together to create meals that both can eat.

In the case of fetishes, it’s the same. If he likes wearing women’s clothing, he can dress alone, or with other cross-dressers, or if she’s into it, they can dress up and go out together! The key point is that you accept each other for who you are, with honesty and respect, and work with that. Chances are you can work with the fetish. If not, you can separate without animosity. Often when people first allow themselves to enjoy their fetish, they can be a little like a kid in a candy shop and become very excited, but over time it generally normalises and becomes part of life. It depends on the individual. It certainly doesn’t get worse and lead to more and more depravity! That argument is no different to the assumption that if you take one drug you’ll become an addict, or one drink and you’re an alcoholic: most people manage their pleasures without compulsion or addiction.

Download Audio: Fetishes Are Fine

30 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold and counting.... Leaving commentators bemused: why so popular? It's obviously not high literature, but then again, it's not trying to be, it’s just a good romance.
 
 But 30 million copies…
 
 … there’s got to be something special…

Ignore the standard 'bodice ripper' elements - rich hero, innocent heroine, both stunningly beautiful main characters, exotic locales, etc - and you basically have a love story which has important elements that all couples can relate to.

I see three important, and appealing, themes:

1) Good Sex Requires Ongoing Negotiation

Couples need to negotiate their sexual relationship and be completely honest and open when pushing their boundaries. In the 50 Shades Trilogy, she's pushing her boundaries re BDSM and he's pushing his through allowing intimacy. It's scary for both, they have their freak-outs, but they keep working through with openness, honesty and respect.
 
 Apply this to real life couples and you get the same thing: you must keep talking about sex. Otherwise, you get stuck in a sexual rut, never game to try anything new, assuming (or hoping) that your partner is happy with the status quo.
 
 So whether it’s something as tame as trying sex with the lights on, or as ‘out there’ as considering setting up a dungeon in the spare room, it takes discussion and negotiation - then exploration, experimentation and more discussion and negotiation. 

2) Kinky sex is not 'bad' it's just one type of sexual relating.

Just as we all have different tastes in food, so we all have different tastes in sex. As long as it’s between consenting, adult, living humans, then it’s fine. Some people are very happy with a sweet and simple approach to sex and others like a more adventurous approach (and you can move up and down that spectrum throughout life). 

In the 50 Shades Trilogy, he starts out only having experienced sex as a pretty extreme form of kink, which freaks the bejesus out of her! Fair enough too, she doesn’t want an ‘arrangement’, she wants a relationship. Take away the concept of contracts and impersonal relating and she realises she actually quite likes the play. So, they tone it way back and start exploring…
 
 There's a whole range of kinkiness - from simple hair pulling in the throes of passion, through to setting up a dungeon in the basement. I’ve been talking a lot about kinky sex in the last few blogs, showing how kinky play can be positive and highly enjoyable.
 
 When done with genuine interest (if the thought leaves you cold, then don’t go there) along with mutual consent and respect, then kinky play can add interest and spice to anyone's sex life. 

3) A Strong, Sensual Man is a Sexually Desirable Man

Women respond to a sensual man who is focused on them and openly adores them. The seduction must never stop! 

The male protagonist in 50 Shades is constantly focused on his partner, never wavering in the face of her demands to lift his game and be all he can be. He takes it on board and proves himself worthy of her love - and in so doing she opens herself to him and comes to trust him enough to really explore her sexuality.
 
 Too many couples get complacent with each other and stop making an effort. Men, adore your woman; and women, allow the adoration! Be open to it and respond positively. He’s doing it because he genuinely loves and desires you. Your appreciation and acceptance make him feel so good. He’ll become more confident in his masculinity, allowing you to be more expressive in your femininity. 

Playing along the borders of pleasure and pain can add delectable spice to your love life - although the thought of it can be pretty confusing and scary.

So let me explain.
We all have pain thresholds, and the area around that threshold can be exquisitely delightful - if approached in a safe and relaxed manner.

Sportspeople do it all the time: the runner’s high, the endorphin rush of lifting heavy weights repetitively - it’s one of the reasons people love sport and physical activity. I used to train intensively in the marital arts and would take a beating several times a week and would dish it out just as strongly. It was great!

This is all considered ‘normal’ behaviour. In fact, when sportspeople push themselves, they are lauded and praised. Yet those who do it sexually are often considered deviant.

Pushing the boundaries of pleasure and pain in physical activity only works if it’s done carefully. You have to warm up, you have to know your limits, you have to develop at your own pace, and those you’re playing with have to know and respect your limits too, as well as their own.

As a high level black belt I would train with my black belt peers very differently than I would with new students. With the newbies, there was a lot of instruction on staying safe, and the instruction on safety would change as the skill level grew.

It’s the same with pain play. We all have different erotic interests and different limits. I know people who like to put hooks through their skin and swing from the ceiling. Yikes! That is most definitely not something I want to do! But good luck to them; from what I’ve observed, their level of care in preparation is akin to that of parachutists. I’ve also watched people create intricate designs in needles on other people’s chests. Again, yikes! No-one is putting needles in my skin (unless they’re an acupuncturist); but again, the people I’ve observed in needle play do have the same level of care and hygiene as any medical professional (in fact a lot of them are in the medical professions!)

I’ve deliberately used a couple of quite extreme examples there, there’s not a lot of hook or needle play going on in the bedrooms of Australia, nor need there be. However, it seems there’s not a lot of playing going on full stop, and this is one area where you can have some fun exploring. Such as:

• A gentle massage might put you to sleep, a firm massage, with a few slaps on the bum might arouse you.
• Making love in missionary position might be a bit ho-hum, pull your partner’s hair at the same time and an erotic edge is added.
• Squeezing your partner’s nipples with your finger tips or nails, slowly increasing the pressure, can be squirm-inducingly good on it’s own or when combined with genital pleasuring.
• Running your nails down the inside of your partner’s thighs, over the soles of their feet, around their neck, or any number of other delicious body areas, can create a similar effect.
• Biting the various body areas can also be delightful - start with a gentle bite and oh so gradually increase the pressure.

I've been doing a lot of media interviews lately where the topic of erotic literature comes up, due to the current success of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm asked whether it's good for people's sex lives.

Absolutely! I reply.

This is for three reasons:

1. Turn Yourself On

Erotica is sexy, so reading it is a good way to get in the mood for sex. Whether you read it leading up to a delightful session of solo play, or perhaps in the bath before meeting your partner in your boudoir for some partnered love-making, it’s an excellent way to start warming yourself up.

2. Know Your Eroticism

What turns you on is a personal thing, we all like different things and there are no should or shouldn’ts when it comes to what you like (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans). By reading erotica, especially short stories, you can discover what elements of eroticism do it for you. Some stories you’ll read and think: “Oh yes, I like that!” so you might want to explore that eroticism; others will be: “Oh no, that leaves me cold/turns me off” so you know you’re not interested in exploring that eroticism; and some will be: “Ooh, I’m not sure if I like that or not…” in which case it could be worth exploring, if you’re brave enough!

3. Spice Up Your Sexual Play

Reading erotica aloud to each other is very sexy and can be part of your beforeplay - or turn it into a game where you try to distract the reader, as part of your foreplay…

More importantly, reading erotica alone or together will give you insights into what you and your partner like. Then you can experiment with adding elements to your own sex play. The stories might be more extreme than you necessarily would be comfortable with, so ask yourself how you could add milder elements to your own life. If, for example, you liked the voyeuristic elements of a story about a couple being watched while they have sex, perhaps you could have sex by an open window or on a balcony. If a story about bondage turns you on, you can always play with stockings and scarves from your own cupboard for a less scary experience, or purchase feathered handcuffs or silken rope for a sensual bondage experience. 

You could explore this further by writing some erotica together: you write a paragraph, then your partner writes the next, then you the next, and so on… See what interesting places that takes you to!

There’s plenty of very good erotica around these days. Good book stores have an erotica section. Some adult shops sell erotica - Max Black has a particularly fine range. 

Just on the topic of erotica, I pen a pretty good story myself, and am putting the finishing touches to my next book on Sex Goddesses for the modern woman. It contains about 30 erotic vignettes to illustrate the concepts, and will be the world’s first book in the brand new genre of Educational Erotica. I’m very excited about this!

That’ll be a fourth reason to read erotica!

I love Tantra and I love elements of kink. The two combined are what I call Sensual Kink, and I don't think it gets much better than that. So, with the current interest in kink that's been generated by the overwhelming popularity of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, I thought I might share my thoughts.
 
 To me, Tantra and Kink are at one end of a spectrum; and the alcohol-fuelled model of sex, along with porn and raunch culture, are at the other. The former are about depth and connection, resulting in ecstatic and altered states of consciousness; and the latter is about superficiality and a performance-style sexuality that has little if any positive outcome from what I can see.

I know my kinky side has been there since I was a five-year old getting turned on by a cartoon of Donald Duck pegging his nephews by their tails to a rotating clothesline and spanking their bottoms as it turned. I didn’t even know what that feeling was, but it’s etched into my memory. You could also claim that my years of martial arts training, spending hour upon hour being belted into the floor and feeling elated from it, was a form of sadomasochism. But I didn’t truly discover my kinky side until I first explored Tantra.
 
 Many people would assume that Tantra is all about goodness and light and spirituality, and Kink is dark and evil, so the two would be opposites. That’s not my experience. Through Tantra I discovered the ability to go places sexually, without even genital touch, just with sexual energy, in the presence of a highly-energetically developed person and open myself up to extraordinary experiences. It was great.
 
 Then I heard that people had similar experiences in Kink - that they could be tied up, for instance, and go into orgasm or blissful states without genital touch. That caught my fancy, so I started to investigate. Well! What I discovered was that the energetic presence between two people engaged in many Kink activities is the same energy as that between Tantric practitioners - and you get to dress up in outrageous clothes as you do it!
 
So I said to the universe: “Queen of Tantra would like to meet King of Kink, to explore the realm where Tantra and Kink meet.” Now, when you’re clear about what you want, the universe delivers. And it did. I had an amazing next twelve months, where I took my explorations into the outer reaches of human sexual potential even further.
 
 I’m sure I could have got lost in those wonderful places, but my calling is here on earth, helping others move closer to their own sexual potential. So that relationship ended and since then I’ve been with my current wonderful partner who shares my own love of Tantra and Kink and mutually exploring all the exquisite possibilities of sexuality and sensuality.
 
 The work I do with people applies to any form of sexuality - as long as it’s real and connected. I am simply not interested in the superficial approach to sexuality that abounds in this society. In fact, I spend a lot of my time helping people get over the negative impacts of that approach.
 
 Fortunately, there are enough of you out there realising that there’s more to life than being either a would-be porn star or a prude (I say you, because you wouldn’t be reading my work if you didn’t feel at least an inkling of this). To you I say: develop your ability to connect; heighten your sensuality; follow your instinct; and explore wherever your sexuality leads you.
 
Kinky, spiritual, lustful, intense or subtle - it’s all good - as long as it’s real.

Once you’ve navigated your partner’s vagina and got to know the G, A and Ohh Spots a little better let’s look at how you can stimulate all those good spots for maximum effect.

 Before you get anywhere near her genitals though, make sure your partner is well and truly aroused and wanting your fingers to enter. 

Remember, it’s about invitation not penetration! 

The G-Spot:

Insert a finger, run it along the corrugated ridge that’s her urethral sponge until you get to the end, hook your finger on the edge and pull back towards her vaginal opening. A tickling type of movement might be enough, or you may need to be quite firm. Try it with one finger initially and then try it with two, either pulling with both fingers together, or waggling your fingers so they alternate stroking that point. You can also try rubbing around or stroking across the spot. 

She may find the sensation unpleasant initially, with an urge to pee, in which case ask her to relax and have a sense of pushing out with her vaginal muscles. Build up to this though, try a few pulls then relax, a few more. Don’t expect her to love it in the first session, or even the first few sessions. It might even be that she’ll never like the G-Spot, but she might, so that’s no reason not to try. 

The A-Spot:

My personal favorite! Straighten your finger and push directly in and up (I like it a little to my left) on to the vaginal wall on the tummy side of the cervix. You can poke in quite firmly there. Try two fingers as well as one. Again, you can also rub or stroke the area, side to side or round and round, or you can waggle your fingers so they’re tickling gently or prodding quite firmly. Try it with your fingers together and slightly apart. 

Again, it may take some time for her to get used to the sensation, it can be pretty overwhelming and intense initially. Always err on the side of caution and start gently, building up in intensity. 

The Cervix:

On our way to stimulating the O-spot I have to mention stimulating the cervix. You need to go around the cervix to find the O-spot on the other side. So, while you’re there, go around and around the cervix a few times with one or two fingers and see how she likes that! 

The O-Spot:

Directly opposite the A-spot on the rear side of the vagina behind the cervix on the vaginal wall is the O-spot - or O-region really. There’s an open cul-de-sac type of space and you can stimulate the whole area with circular rubs, back and forth strokes, rhythmic pushes, and little waggling tickle-like movements. You can also do circular movements around and around between the back of the cervix (so you’re stroking the cervix itself) and the O-region of the vaginal wall. 

Multi-spot Stimulation:

Once you’ve got the hang of focusing on specific spots or areas, you can put it all together. By inserting two or three fingers simultaneously you can: 

1. Swirl your fingers around and around the vagina at different depths: 

• Firstly, just a knuckle-depth or so in, so you’re stimulating the urethral sponge (the corrugated ridge), with a bit of a tug on the G-spot as you go past the end.
• Then do the swirl deeper in so you’re going around the cervix, either with the pressure onto the cervix, or with the pressure onto the vaginal walls, and therefore onto the A and O areas, or alternating the direction of the pressure (continued pressure on the cervix can become too much).

2. Waggle your fingers: Do an alternate “come hither” tugging-type movement with two fingers from the A-spot to the G-spot along the front wall of her vagina. 

• Waggle your fingers alternately up and down at different depths and with your fingers different distances apart.
• Turn your hand to the side and waggle your fingers side to side across the vagina at different depths.
• Waggle your fingers together, apart or together, as though you’re “scratching” the walls of the vagina. Start with your hand facing towards her back, then start rotating your hand, moving in and out so you’re “scratching” up and down and all around her vagina.

 3. Swirl and waggle simultaneously. 

4. Add some rubs and strokes and prods or pulses with your fingertips as you swirl and waggle. 

Whew! 

Does all that sound a bit complicated? Then build up to it. Pay attention to where you’re touching and what you’re doing, and her reaction to it. Make sure you’re following her response. Every vagina is different, and every woman is different, and every woman and her vagina responds differently at different times. So, the Master of Manual Stimulation knows that he can’t assume a particular technique will always work. He has to be very attuned to the woman. 

The Master Stroke: Add the clitoris

Now, to be a true Master of Manual Stimulation, you need to add the other hand and stimulate her clitoris on the outside. With one hand on the inside working all those lovely vaginal spots, your other hand will be stimulating her clitoris. 

To build up to this level of skill, alternate internal and external, either with the same hand or alternate hands. You need to be competent with the individual hands to be able to bring the two together. 

 When you’ve got both hands going it really is like playing your partner like a musical instrument. And just as a Master Musician is completely at one with his instrument, so do you need to be at one with your partner. Then the “music” you create will be sublime. 

To learn more about mastering sex, enrol in my online sexual mastery course for men Black Belt in the Bedroom!

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying-in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the loins grow hotter!
 
 So here are some pointers.

Keep it Real 
 
 Just because you’re talking sex with your lover, doesn’t mean you have to go all slutty and dirty like the paid phone sex girls - unless that’s your thing! If you think you have to be something other than who you really are, then you’re going to feel awkward and it’s not going to feel good for either of you. So be yourself - mostly…
 
Push it a Little 
 
 Having said that, this is your opportunity to play and fantasise. I’ve had clients make amazing strides forward in opening to each other, by being playful in their phone/email/skype/text sex. You can start to push your comfort zones a little, because it’s safe, it’s just words!
 
Start Simple 
 
 If you’re wondering how to start, keep it simple. A comment like: “I was thinking about you last night in bed…” could be enough to get things going if your partner replies with: “Oh, yes, and what were you thinking…” From there you can start to describe something fairly normal for you, such as: “I was thinking how wonderful it feels when you caress my skin…” Then continue describing something that you regularly do and would like to be doing with your partner or describe some particularly good sex that you have had in the past.
 
Get Creative
 
 Once you’re comfortable with the general idea of talking about sex and describing sex with your partner, then you can start getting creative. You can ask each other questions such as: 

• ‘What’s one thing we haven’t done that you’d like to do?’ 
• ‘What’s something you’d like to do with me that you wish you (or I) were brave enough?’ 
• ‘What’s something you wouldn’t actually want to do in real life, but the thought of it turns you on?’ 

Once you’ve got the germ of an idea, play with it. Put yourself in that situation and imagine how it might be.
 
The World’s Your Oyster 
 
 In fact, you might find it easier to be totally in fantasy land. Pretend you’re in another age, or another culture, even another planet! What periods of history do you find sexiest? Perhaps a book or movie has inspired you. Could you be a pirate queen with her captive, the sultan or chief courtesan in a Turkish harem, lords, and ladies in the court of King Louis, slaves or guests at an orgy in Roman times…? The possibilities are endless. Start describing any of these scenarios to your partner and see where it takes you!
 
Get Your Partner Involved 
 
 You don’t have to do all the work! Ask your partner questions along the way, get them to suggest what they’d like or how they’d like the conversation to go. That makes it twice the fun!
 
Keep it Light 
 
 If the conversation starts going in a direction you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t panic! Let your partner know that that’s enough for the time being, to be continued later. Or steer the conversation back in a direction you do feel comfortable with. You can always start with: “Oh, I don’t think so! I think this might happen…” Keep it light, keep it playful.
 
Don’t Take Anything Personally 
 
 Importantly, if your partner says anything that upsets you, don’t turn nasty and take it out on your partner. You need to realise that you’re both playing with your boundaries here, you’re both testing ideas and thoughts, it’s as much a learning experience as a sexual experience.
 
Cheat 
 
 If you’re really stuck with what to say, get a book of erotica and read one of the short stories to your partner. That could be enough in itself or be the basis of further discussion….
 
 Like anything, it can be awkward to get started, but you get better with practice. You’ll probably surprise yourself with just how creative you can get!