Sex advice, sex tips and relationship advice

#364: Suggest Don't Ask

Published Sunday, June 09, 2024


You need a dance of initiation. You need to move towards a sexual encounter with playful, flirtatious, sexy, romantic exchanges. It’s part of the setting up and getting in the mood. In the early days of a relationship, it’s all the dance, but in a long-term relationship people very often stop dancing. Without the dance, with just a dry ‘Do you want to have sex?’ the response is just a “meh, nah” because there’s nothing there to entice, to create the exchange, to create the mood.

The language you use, and the style of interaction is so crucial to creating this dance. It’s the art of seduction, the art of getting the other person to do what you want – for your mutual pleasure of course!

Let’s start with what not to do. There are two common approaches that don’t work:

  • Don’t ask permission.

Framing the approach with “Can we… [have sex/have an early night/get naked in the bedroom/etc]?” is not sexy. It feels like you’re begging, asking for permission, and it puts the pressure on the other person to say yes or no. Even if you ask politely – Can we please…? It sounds even more pleading!

Sexiness comes from mutuality, not one person feeling like a supplicant and the other having a power to say yes or no that they don’t actually want. It leaves them with a binary response that is either letting you down if it’s a no or potentially agreeing to something that they’re not really wanting so as not to let you down. This is not happy making for either person.

  • Don’t ask if the other person wants to do what you want.

Questions like: “Do you want to … [have sex/have an early night/get naked in the bedroom/etc]?” like the asking permission approach, is putting the pressure on the other person. This is not fair, not sexy, and doesn’t get what you want.

Now let's look at what you need to do. There are five steps to the approach that does work.

  • Share of self.

You’re the one who wants it, so say that it’s what you want. That sharing of self is showing a vulnerability that draws the other person in. You’re not pressuring them to want what you want, you’re just sharing.

“Hey babe, I’m feeling like…” “I’m in the mood for…” “I was thinking that while the kids are off with your mother that I wouldn’t mind…”

  • Offer a suggestion

When you share of yourself, it’s important to state it in a way that sounds like a suggestion rather than demanding. Notice the examples above sound like suggestions, offers, rather than demands. You’re not saying: “I want to have sex now.”

The suggestion allows for that most arousing of things – anticipation. It might just be a small moment, but when that moment is rich with potential, with anticipation, it gives it an erotic charge that is the essence of the dance.

  • Let them respond

Then you invite them to respond with where they’re at. Make sure you ask an open question, not a closed question. A closed question has a yes/no answer, which in these situations can create pressure: “I’m thinking I wouldn’t mind spending some time in the bedroom. Do you want to?” Can you see how that puts the other person in the dilemma of answering with a yes or no?

Instead, ask how they feel about your suggestion: “I’d like to… How would that be for you? How does that sound? Where are you at with that suggestion? Thoughts? I’m curious to know how you feel about that suggestion…” Can you see how those phrases allow the other person to express how they really do feel about your suggestion. There’s no pressure to say yes or no.

It's from here that there can be a playful, flirty interaction to create a situation where you both want to proceed, or to postpone for a while, or to not go ahead with that suggestion but come up with some other mutually pleasurable option.

  • Be enticing in vocabulary, tone and body language

Notice how the language I’m using here is soft and suggestive. It’s a little vague, not too direct. This makes it enticing. It enables the other to engage without pressure and opens the possibility for the dance, for the erotic feeling to emerge, for desire to grow and the mood to be created. When you also make sure you are looking at each, smiling, it draws the other in as an equal, and allows the two of you to have a light interaction that starts creating the mood. Even if the dance leads to postponing or doing something else, the erotic connection lingers and is still hovering when the right time does occur.

  • Know it’s the non-linear model

Remember that it’s a non-linear model of sex. I’ve written about this in many other blog posts. There’s no pressure to go through all the steps until you “finish”. You just engage where you’re at in that moment. A kiss is just a kiss, not an entrée to intercourse, unless that’s where the encounter mutually leads you. It’s simply about connection through pleasure, moment by moment.

When you engage in this way, you do it all through life. In fact life becomes a dance. And you’re living in the ‘simmer zone’ of connection!


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#361: Great Sex is Not About Speed

Published Sunday, March 10, 2024

I find that too much of our language and concepts around sex imply that speed is good and slowness is bad. This is really not at all helpful in creating great sexual experiences. Instead of people relaxing and chilling and opening to each other, there’s pressure to get aroused quickly and have intense experiences. And if there’s one thing that gets in the way of being able to become aroused, let alone to actually enjoy sex, it’s pressure.

For example, recent additions to our sex vocabulary are sexual ‘accelerators’ and sexual ‘brakes’, with the accelerators being good and the brakes being bad. Now I know that the intention behind the language is to identify what things are helpful to you sexually and what are hindrances. But why use language that implies speed is good and slowness is bad? Why not use terms like enhancers and detractors? Or as I like to think of it, in my usual evocative style, things that make you go ‘mmm’ and things that make you go ’ngh’.

Less overtly, so often people have a speed-based concept of sex. Take the concept of libido, more often ‘high libido’ is attributed to people who get aroused quickly and  ‘low libido’ is attributed to people who become aroused slowly. And of course those with ‘low libido’ are seen as the problem. Why, because they are too slow. Which often leads to the slower one having sex before they’re ready, which,as  I’ve said before, is like eating food that’s undercooked – there’s nothing wrong with the food per se, it’s just not ready to be eaten.

But, like food, sex is best enjoyed slowly, with presence, savouring the experience of the eating. Not scoffing it down to get to the end. Or any other activity you do for pleasure together, like going for a walk or enjoying a show – you enjoy the process of the activity, not race through to the end of it!

So, whether it’s in the getting to sex phase or the having sex phase, take your time, enjoy the process, no pressure! Remember, the point of sex is connection through pleasure, so make every part pleasurable and connecting. It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it, how you’re experiencing it.

There is already so much speed in modern life. Take the pressure off, particularly in the bedroom, and take your time, savour your lovemaking. You’ll find it so much more enjoyable, connecting and rejuvenating – all the things sex is supposed to be!


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#357: Great Sex is Rarely Spontaneous

Published Sunday, November 12, 2023


The best sex is rarely spontaneous. Or if it is, it’s because the conditions were right for it be ‘spontaneous’.

People often complain to me that their sex isn’t spontaneous. As though that’s a bad thing. They often reminisce about the early days when sex was so easy and apparently ‘spontaneous’. But, I challenge them, was it really spontaneous? I point out that back then sex was anything but spontaneous: there were days of anticipation, thinking about your new love interest, you’d spend time preparing to meet, looking good. Then when you met, you’d be doing interesting things, you were fascinated in each other, you’d spend hours talking or dancing or having fun. So, by the time you got home you couldn’t wait to rip your clothes off….

That wasn’t spontaneous. There were days and hours of looking forward to, thinking about, engaging with, before you got sexual.

Then time passes and people move in together, and all of life comes into the relationship: work, logistics, kids, finances, etc., etc. They work all day, deal with life matters, maybe sit in front of a screen for an hour or more… then collapse into bed exhausted, totally spent… and think they should suddenly turn into some ravenous sex fiend and have spontaneous sex!

No. It wasn’t spontaneous at the beginning. It was good because the conditions were right. Like anything else good in life. Think about it – how often has an experience been spontaneously good? Occasionally perhaps, but not regularly. You want to catch up with friends, go to a show, play some sport, have a holiday, cook a good meal – it all takes planning, making space in your life, making sure you have in place the elements that make it good. If you want a good meal you have to make sure your kitchen is stocked with the right ingredients, you need the time and energy to cook, and have the knowledge and skills to cook well. If you have all of those, then yes, you can spontaneously cook a good meal.

So, if you want to ‘spontaneously’ have good sex, you can if you’ve set up your life to enable sex to happen easily. That means you need to:

  • create the time and space in your life
  • not be too tired
  • not be too distracted
  • be feeling connected with your partner
  • be in a relaxed, appealing environment
  • pace the approach and interaction so that you both become aroused, don’t rush it
  • know what each other likes and needs in general
  • be able to communicate what you want and need in the moment
  • not have expectations that cause pressure and anxiety
  •  enjoy the pleasure of connection and co-create a lovely experience moment by moment

Have all that happening, and you’ll live in what I call the ‘simmer zone’, where you’re feeling loved-up, connected, relaxed and alive. From that space sex can be spontaneous, because you’ve made your life and relationship sex-friendly.

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#352: A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

Published Sunday, June 11, 2023

One of the biggest impediments to a good sex life that I see over and over again, is the assumption that certain activities must inevitably lead to sex. These activities, a look, a touch, a kiss, are seen as a ‘green light’ that leads to the chain of events generally referred to as ‘sex’ which have as their main KPIs intercourse (if you’re heterosexual) and orgasms (whatever your orientation).

So, if at the point of the ‘green light’ – the kiss, the hug, the touch, etc – you don’t feel like any of the ‘subsequent’ activities along the chain of events, you will avoid the ‘green light’. You don’t want to give your partner ‘the wrong idea’, you don’t want to ‘lead them on’, to let them down or disappoint them or alternatively have to go through with something that you don’t want to do at that point in time.

Which leads to many people not doing those activities at all. But by not doing those things, you miss out on enormous amounts of pleasurable connection. And you also miss out on the possibility of becoming aroused enough to want to do more sexual activities.

So, rather than assuming the linear progression of this-must-lead-to-that – that a kiss for instance must lead to sex, take the pressure off and enter into any connecting activity with the knowledge that it just is what it is in that moment. A kiss is just a kiss.

Without the pressure of expectation, you can lose yourself in the enjoyment of the interaction, enjoying the kiss or the hug or the shower or the massage or whatever it is. You can trust your partner, and yourself, not to assume anything further without checking in and knowing that you both want to take it further. This creates a psychological safety that allows you to relax and enjoy yourself. And that psychological safety is also what’s needed to become aroused.

I really believe that one of the elements to having quality on-going sex is to be able to connect in this way. I call it non-linear lovemaking. No expectations! If either of you wants to take the encounter further, you make the suggestion and see where the other is at. And the real art is to do this in a way that is erotic, enticing and playful, so that whatever eventuates, it’s light, mutual and desired. You don’t want to ask permission or be heavy or pragmatic. You want it to be a joyful co-creation. Sometimes the activities and subsequent suggestions will lead to lengthier lovemaking and sometimes they’ll just be lovely encounters on their own. But those frequent lovely encounters are what keep couples connected in a way that makes sexual encounters easier. So it’s a win-win. You have lots of lovely connection all through life and you have plenty of sexual encounters too!

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#349: The Yin & Yang of Erotic Physiology

Published Sunday, March 12, 2023

When it comes to sex, we tend to buy into the myth that bigger, harder, faster is best. While that approach might make for entertaining viewing on screen, what looks good is not necessarily what feels good. What feels good is a balance and a flow between the yin and the yang elements of sex. 

No doubt you are familiar with the Taoist concept of yin and yang, that the whole is made up of complementary opposites. Yin represents the softer, flowing side of life and yang represents the firmer, directed side. Too much of either puts us out of balance and life is not as harmonious as it could be. This applies just as much in our sex life as in the whole of life. In fact, we need the balance in the whole of life to have it in our sex life. Part of the problem is seeing sex as something separate from the rest of life. Thinking of sex as just what happens between two sets of genitals is a big part of the problem, it’s too linear and too detached, too yang.

When we take sex out of the ‘box’, and look at it less as an isolated behaviour separate from life, and view it more systemically, then we stay in a more balanced state sexually. Let’s look at this more specifically.

Starting with the physiology of our bodies, a lot of people would consider the yin and yang of sex as bluntly as being turned on or turned off, which is way too binary - there’s a lot more going on behind all that! What turns us on and turns us off, what enables desire and what dampens it, is a complex interplay within and between our nervous and endocrine systems.

Our nervous system is constantly flowing between the yang, up-regulated sympathetic system and the yin, down-regulated parasympathetic systems. If we are too much in the sympathetic, we’re stressed and we can’t become sexually aroused. Yet if we are too much in the parasympathetic, we’re so down-regulated we fall asleep, and can’t become aroused that way either. We need to be in a balance between the two, in a state of alert-relaxation, and from there flow between more yin parasympathetic romance and tenderness as well as more yang sympathetic system passion and excitement.

Now, in parallel within our nervous system there’s a balance between what we could consider the ‘yin’ hormones of oxytocin and vasopressin, the bonding hormones that give feelings of connection, as well as the endorphins, the feel-good hormones, that are released by tender, cuddly, yin activities; and the yang hormones of dopamine, the reward chemical, that leads you to want more (including more of your true love), and norepinephrine which makes you feel excited.

We need dopamine and norepinephrine, which are stimulated by novelty and interesting activities, so it's important that your relationship is stimulating and not complacent. And we need oxytocin and vasopressin as they are connecting and keep you feeling safe and connected and generally good about each other. So, both the tender affection and interesting activities are necessary in a relationship to produce the balance of bonding and desire. You need to be both tender and flirty, having cuddles on the couch as well as exciting adventures, to create both connection and interest. 

You need the balance in the lead up to sex and you need the balance during sex. Intensity is fine, but if all you’re having is shagadelic sex, striving for orgasmic intensity, then it’s yang without yin. Particularly if it’s tense intensity, which tends to happen if you go too fast too quickly and aren’t ready for it, as this produces cortisol, the long-term stress hormone, which is not good for feeling positive about yourself or your partner.

The focus on intensity, tension and orgasmic climax can also cause a dopamine drop after the big O, leading to a feeling of withdrawal from your partner as well as feeling irritated and disconnected. You need the oxytocin and vasopressin so that you balance out the dopamine drop and keep the happy feelings going. 

What’s happening physiologically then manifests experientially as a flow between the yin and yang emotions – tenderness and passion, romance and eroticism. 

When I talk to clients and others about this approach to sex, many people are so mired in the linear intense approach that they have no concept of what I’m talking about. So, I use metaphors to convey the concept.

A very simple metaphor is music. The standard view of sex is like heavy thrash metal - only intense. Very few us like that kind of music, it’s way too much! Yet we tend to approach sex like that. So ,think of sex more like a symphony, where you have quiet passages as well as more intense passages. There’s a journey in the music, not just one long lead-up to a grand finale.

My favourite metaphor is to think of sex like a picnic. There are no rules as to what you should eat in terms of order, pace and quantity. As enticing as pavlova might be, you don’t have to eat it to have a ‘successful’ picnic, and eating pavlova is certainly not why you’re having a picnic. You’re having a picnic because the whole experience is enjoyable, even if you only eat the dips, and even if you don’t eat at all and just enjoy the conversation.

When you get into a flow, instead of taking a linear direct approach to the main KPI of orgasm, and instead sink into a flowing encounter, each encounter becomes a unique co-creation of mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

How to do this? Most importantly, keep the balance and flow in the whole of your life and relationship. I call this beforeplay. It’s the bulk of life, making sure there’s a balance of the calm, cuddly, safe yin elements as well as the more exciting, flirty, active yang elements of relating. In this way your relationship never becomes complacent, you are always focused on keeping yourselves connected and engaged.

Then when it comes to more intimate engagement, don’t go racing straight to the genitals! Make sure there is plenty of non-genital engagement – which includes having good conversation and connecting mentally as much as engaging with your entire bodies and enjoying the feeling of kisses and touch and whole of body skin contact. Don’t get genital until your body really wants it.

Pay attention to how you’re feeling on the inside, and make sure you are letting each other know how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting. Never make assumptions. Learn to communicate both verbally and non-verbally at all stages of engagement, so that you don’t fall into the same old tired linear script.

Focus on pleasure rather than orgasm. Orgasms are great, but they are an outcome of sex, not the purpose of sex. When you focus on the pleasure, rather than just ‘getting each other off’, you’ll find sex way more satisfying. Not that there is anything wrong with orgasms! But don’t assume you have to have them, or else you’ve ‘failed’. Nor limit yourself to one and think you’re done if there is more love-making to be expressed in an encounter! And when you do orgasm, focus on opening and releasing rather than tensing and forcing.

Never underestimate the importance of a conducive environment. Let your surroundings help get you in the mood. Having a beautiful tidy bedroom with music and soft lighting really does help a lot of people sink into the enjoyment of erotic connection (not to mention practicalities like having a lock on the door!)

And make sure that when the encounter comes to a close you continue to cuddle and chat so that you keep your nervous systems relaxed and the calming pleasure hormones flowing.

This approach to love and life means that you are priming your body to have balanced neural and endocrine systems on the inside, which manifests as pleasure, connection and all the good things about love and sex on the outside!
 

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#344: When It Gets Awkward in Bed

Published Sunday, October 09, 2022

Feeling awkward in sex is perfectly normal, natural and ok. Even if you've been with the same person for a long time, things can get awkward. Maybe you haven't been sexual for a while, and it feels awkward. Or maybe you're trying something new, and it feels awkward. Or maybe you've been coming to see me and I'm asking you to do homework that feels a little bit awkward. Maybe one of you is feeling awkward or you're both feeling awkward. It's all ok.

The best thing to do when you're feeling awkward is just to acknowledge it. So one of you might say: "I'm feeling a little awkward about this," and the other will reply reassuringly: "That's ok sweetheart, you're safe, it's ok, anything I can do to help?" Or maybe you're both feeling awkward, and one says "I'm feeling a little awkward about this," and the other replies with "Yeah, I am too!" and then you can have a nice chat and a cuddle, feel more secure and then give it a go. Admitting you're feeling awkward gets it out in the open, clears it.

Whereas if you keep it on the inside and push on through, the awkwardness tends to come through anyway, in ways that aren't very sexy. That's if you even push on through, very commonly the awkward feeling stops people from doing anything at all.

Sometimes people cover awkwardness with humour, but it's not funny humour, often it can be a juvenile, often blunt, attempt at sexual humour that feels cringy, coarse or sleazy: "He he, let's go play hide the sausage in the bun". It's not at all ressuring and soothing - and not at all sexy. So try not to make jokes to cover your awkwardness.

Another thing people do, again, it's juvenile, but this time in a coy, babylike way. Often they put on saccharine baby voices: "Ooh, let's go do naughty things in the bedroom". I see couples do this in the clinic, and it is very cringy. It's not mature and it's not sexy.

Just be honest. Be adult. Be clean. Put any negative feelings on the table. Let each other know where you're at and what you're feeling. And then you can genuinely give it a go in a mutual, supportive way - and that is sexy.

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#342: The Dance of Initiation

Published Sunday, August 14, 2022


I’m always hearing clients say that one initiates, or one doesn’t, or used to, or whatever. It’s always framed as though initiation is something one partner does, with a question, a suggestion or an action, to which the other agrees or rejects.

It’s a pretty limited, unidirectional way of thinking about initiation. It puts a lot of pressure on each partner. Both can feel pretty powerless. The one initiating has to be brave, hope the other is receptive, and risk rejection. The one responding to the initiation doesn’t have much scope to reply other than yes or no, with the yes assuming a lot and the no risking the other feeling rejected with all the consequential grumpiness or resentment that might follow.

No wonder people are reluctant to initiate, it’s fraught with anxiety, pressure, expectation, fear, guilt – none of which are in any way erotic feelings!

So, let’s ditch that approach to initiating and move towards one that is much more creative and explorative and allows for infinite possibilities.

Think of initiation as a dance between the two of you. It’s a lot more subtle and creative. It can start in many ways, usually less direct than a question or request. There is suggestion, flirtation, hints, without any definite outcome in mind. The other responds in kind. This dance both avoids the unsexy yes/no binary that unilateral initiating leads to, and allows for playfulness, sensuality, sexiness which can actually create interest, desire and arousal.

If you take on board the non-linear approach to lovemaking that I advocate, then there is no pressure for the dance to lead anywhere other than to connection and pleasure, so the dance is already ‘sex’ because it is already pleasure and connection. Then the dance continues until you’ve had enough, with or without genital involvement, orgasms, and the usual KPIs of linear sex.

This dance of initiation is a lovely way to connect, share, co-create, and live a life that in many ways is always the dance!


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#341: We All Need A Phone Policy!

Published Sunday, July 10, 2022


Some clients confessed to me recently that their bedroom activity has become sitting in bed on their phones “like two passengers in business class”. Each in their own little world and no connection between them at all. It’s pretty dire.

Sadly though, it’s so common. If there’s one issue that comes up over and over again in sessions, it’s phone use. They are so enticing, so readily accessible, and so utterly absorbing.

When you’re on your phone, you’re not with your partner. Your consciousness has been sucked into that alternate reality, you are not here and now, you are there.

Now of course phones are amazing technology and incredibly beneficial when you engage with them in an active manner. The problem is when you passively lose yourself in them. There’s none of you left here. Active engagement with phones is good, part of you is aware of what you are doing and is making conscious choices about how to engage and how long to engage. Passive engagement is a zombie-like absorption into another dimension where there’s little conscious control of what you’re doing and how long you’re there for.

 There are three impacts on your relationship when you don't manage your phone use well:

  1. As an individual you’re not getting proper relaxation time. Instead, you’re engaging in mindless time-wasting which leaves you feeling jangled and not rejuvinated.
  2. You’re wasting precious ‘us’ time, time where you can connect and enjoy each other’s company, relaxing together.
  3. You miss out on the ‘chilled build’ which couples need to connect and create desire for lovemaking. So, sex becomes less frequent and poorer quality.

What to do? Have a phone policy! And support each other to keep it.

I recommend you put your phones to the side at times when you can maximise connection, such as when you’re having dinner or going for a walk. And I insist that you put your phones aside in the bedroom. Some couples successfully ban phones altogether in the bedroom, which I admire. However, they are useful, and with discipline you can have them in the bedroom. The important thing is to make sure you put them down when you are both in the bedroom to make sure you have quality time together before you pick up your phone (at which point you might not want to as other more delectable activities are occurring!)

We need to accept that it is difficult to manage our phones, they are very very enticing. It takes mental will and discipline to manage their use. So, support each other kindly in creating and implementing an approach that works for you as individuals and as a couple. That way you can have all the benefits of phones and all the benefits of a connected, sexual relationship!

 


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#333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?

Published Sunday, November 28, 2021


Q: We’re all so time poor these days, but booking in for a ‘romance’ night with my partner seems a bit pre-meditated. But the occasional dull and brief late-night sex we have leaves a lot to be desired. How can I add some zing?

A: There’s a myth in our society that good sex has to be spontaneous. Which is like saying a good meal has to be spontaneous. In fact it’s quite the opposite, the better the meal usually the more focus and time is put into it. Otherwise you get McDonalds. It’s the same with sex. Give it the focus it needs or you end up with MacDonald’s sex – dull and not very satisfying.

People often reminisce about the early days of their romance when it was supposedly spontaneous, but in fact there was a huge amount of lead-up and anticipation. You’d be thinking all week of Saturday night and what you’d wear, what you’d do, where you’d go…Fast forward several years and you slob around the house in your flannel jammies, spend the evenings engrossed in anything but each other, fall exhausted into bed at 11pm and wonder why you can’t be bothered!

If you want good sex in an on-going relationship you’ve got to create the time and the space to get the two of you in the mood, yearning for each other, just like you used to.

It starts way before the bedroom. Ideally it should start the moment you wake up and smile as you gaze over at your partner. Those small acts of affection should continue throughout the day, to build intimacy and raise erotic tension (I call it the ‘mmm’ factor!)

Once evening comes you need to chill out together. Being in each other’s company and enjoying each other’s company is the key to good sex. So set aside at least one evening a week for a nooky night. Don’t veg out in front of the TV or surf the net or catch up on emails or clean the house. Once the kids are in bed, it’s you time. Soft lights, music, a glass of wine and thou. This is transition time from the busyness of your day to a relaxed space where you can gently open up to each other.

By the time you get the bedroom you’ll be feeling pretty good about each other, and the ‘mmm’ factor will be simmering, if not boiling! Now, use your bedroom to put you even more in the mood. Make sure it’s a boudoir, a sanctuary away from the stress of life, a place that when you enter, you leave the world behind. Soft lighting, candles, music, beautiful bed linen, whatever makes you soften and open.

And then…it’s playtime! Take your time, treat sex more as a picnic than as a race towards a finish. Gaze into each other’s eyes, touch all over, use props, whatever. Be light and playful, use your imagination, enjoy each other’s bodies and get into a flow. Playful, wild, sensual, wherever it takes you. Just not dull.

Create the time, create the space.

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#328: Safety is Sexy

Published Sunday, September 19, 2021

It might not sound particularly sexy, but without safety you don’t get sexy, at least, not quality sexy. 

Safety is needed to be able to trust, be vulnerable, open up and let go, and that is what’s required for good sex. 

Safety comes first.

It’s often overlooked in sex though. We want to jump straight to the good stuff, the behaviours, rather than making sure the conditions are safe. It would be like going skydiving without checking the parachute is packed properly. It’s dangerous! And not pleasurable. And in fact, like with skydiving, the more ‘dangerous’ you want your sexual encounter to be, the more you have to focus on safety.

You’ll actually find that those who engage in the kinkier sexual activities have very thoroughly well-packed “parachutes”. You’re safer in a BDSM dungeon than in the average bedroom, because there you don’t engage without a thorough understanding of what each is wanting and setting your boundaries very clearly. In contrast, I’ve had clients who have been together for decades, who have never discussed their sex life.

If your partner doesn’t know what you’re feeling and wanting and fearing and hoping, it’s not safe, and it’s not going to be good. Either you’ll exceed your boundaries and get hurt or you’ll play it safe and limit your experience so it’s not as pleasurable as it could be. The latter is obviously better than the former, but it is limiting.

I’m talking about both physical and emotional safety here. Physically, you need to make sure you’ve got contraception and preventing STDs covered; and you need to make sure sex doesn’t hurt. If it does, stop and/or change what you’re doing. Sex must never hurt.

The emotional side of things is just as important. To make sex emotionally safe you need to know what is going on for the other person. That requires communication, the type of communication that allows you to be heard without judgement, so you can share your desires and fears. Though this discussion you create safety and allow for authentic expression and exploration. 

Interestingly, the discussion itself can ignite an erotic charge. So it’s not that you create safety first and then you can be erotic, the creating of the safety though discussion can in itself be erotic!

I see this all the time in the couples I work with, the ones who are best at creating safety through open supportive communication are the ones who have the best, most profound sex lives.

As one female partner said to me: “Our bed is the safest place in the world”. 

Followed not long after by her male partner saying “I keep thinking our sex can’t get any better, but it just does.”

 

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#364: Suggest Don't Ask
#363: Take the Pressure Off Your Penis!
#362: Don't Let Your Primitive Brain Rule Your Relationship
#361: Great Sex is Not About Speed
#360: Sexual KPIs - Key Pleasure Indicators
#359: Your Relationship is Like a Boat that Carries you through Life
#358: Talk 'Erotic' Not 'Dirty'
#357: Great Sex is Rarely Spontaneous
#356: Approaching Sex As A Spiritual Practice
#355: You're Not Alone - Sexual Struggle is Normal
#354: Let Nature Boost Your Libido
#353: Invite and Envelop
#352: A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
#351: How to 'Start the Dominos Falling'
#350: Move Towards Love-Led not Lust-Led Sex
#349: The Yin & Yang of Erotic Physiology
#348: Sex Should Age Like A Fine Wine
#347: We All Need To “Come Out” To Our Unique Sexuality
#346: Burn Away the Undergrowth to Allow New Growth
#345: Don't Push a Relationship to Crisis Point, End It Sooner
#344: When It Gets Awkward in Bed
#343: It's Normal to Find Other People Attractive
#342: The Dance of Initiation
#341: We All Need A Phone Policy!
#340: What Comes Before Consent
#339: More than Sex-Positive, We Need to be Sex-Comfortable
#338: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill!
#337: You Can't Search for Love. It's Already There. You Can Only Remove the Barriers to Let It In
#336: How to Communicate Complaints Effectively
#335: Nurture Your Soul with Sex
#334: How to Express Your Emotions Without Being "Emotional"
#333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?
#332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
#331: It's OK to Disappoint Your Partner
#330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
#329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
#328: Safety is Sexy
#327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
#326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
#325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curious
#324: How Alike do You Need to be to Have a Good Relationship
#323: Be "At Home" in Your Body
#322: Don't Ever Stop Kissing
#321: Consent From the Inside
#320: How to Say No Without It Feeling Like Rejection
#319: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 3: Sexual Transformation
#318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
#317: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 1: Personal Transformation
#316: Take Your Partner Off A Sexual Pedestal
#315: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other
#314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
#313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
#312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
#311: The Bridgerton Effect
#310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
#309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
#308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
#307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In-the-moment and the Debrief
#306: What I Desire
#305: Lazy Sex
#304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect - It's Human!
#303: The Art of the Thrust
#302: Transformational Erotica
#301: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice
#300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…
#299: Date Night or Date Day?
#298: Teenage Love-Making
#297: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It's My Life's Work!
#296: The Sex Store in Your Pantry
#295: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?
#294: Take Your Penis for a Walk!
#293: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up
#292: Become a Sensual Explorer
#291: Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me
#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex
#289: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana
#288: Love in the Time of COVID-19
#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried
#286: Meditate Your Way to Great Sex
#285: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Like Kissing - what to do?
#284: Communing - deep intimate connection
#283: Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?
#282: On Being A Human in a Female Body
#281: Q&A: How Do We Connect After So Much Stress?
#280: Get A Life! Your Sex Drive Needs the Dopamine
#279: Q&A: My Husband Is Having An Affair and I'm Relieved
#278: Stocking Up Your Love Larder - the key to spontaneous sex
#277: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?
#276: Intercourse as Foreplay
#275: Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex
#274: Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It - the foundation of great sex
#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?
#272: How Has Sex Helped You Grow - Research Participants Wanted!
#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage
#270: Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential
#269: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?
#268: It's the Sum of the Small Things
#267: Q&A: How Do We Reignite Our Love Life
#266: Relationship Vitamins
#265: I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well
#264: The Pleasure of A Soft Cock
#263: Make Every Stroke Count
#262: You Can Make Love With Just A Kiss
#261: Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex
#260: How to Stay In Love
#259: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 2: How
#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 1: What
#257: Simple Sex is Good Sex
#256: Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
#255: Own the Crone
#254: Porn Star versus Prude
#253: “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex
#251: Make Your Bedroom A Sanctuary
#250: Sexy Debriefing
#249: Getting "Love Drunk"
#248: Make-Over Your Sex Life
#247: Be Real, Express Freely
#246: The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
#245: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
#244: Gigglegasms
#243: Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
#242: Getting to Sex can be Like Getting to the Gym
#241: Intensity Repels, Enticement Attracts. Like Chocolate Cake.
#240: Turn Yourself On and the World Turns On To You
#239: Therapy is Composting Your Sh*t
#238: Are You Flat-lining or Surfing in Life?
#237: How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Sex & Relationships
#236: The Clitoris is Not an On-Off Button
#235: The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution
#234: Allow Self-Indulgence
#233: Are You Relationship-Oriented?
#232: Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex
#231: A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities
#230: Sink In to Sync In
#229: Penises - does size really matter?
#228: What To Do When He Can't Come
#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex
#226: Merge Sex & Love Energies for Potent Connection
#225: Sex is a Normal Part of Life
#224: We Judge ‘Normal’ Sex Based on Our Own Experiences
#223: How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways...
#222: Project 'Great Sex'
#221: Beforeplay Suggestions
#220: Foreplay and Beforeplay
#219: How to Heighten Sensory Pleasure
#218: The Bedroom is for Expression, Not Suppression
#217: The Three Types of Sex All Couples Need
#216: Things that make you go 'mmm' and things that make you go 'ngh'
#215: Libido - the Interplay of Desire and Arousal
#214: The Good and Bad of Porn
#213: Bad Communication Styles - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
#212: My Journey to Becoming A Transpersonal Sexologist
#211: Seven Sex Tips for Busy People
#210: Penises Love A Soft Touch
#209: Share Before You Fix
#208: The Best Thing A Father Can Do
#207: The Exquisiteness of a Relaxed Vagina
#206: The Look of Love - Eye-Gazing
#205: Quanta of Deliciousness
#204: How to Maintain the “Mmm-Factor”
#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love
#202: Seven Benefits of Attending A LoveLife Couples Tantra Retreat
#201: Make Sex Your Hobby
#200: Partnered Sex is Not Solo Sex for Two
#199: Melting Moments
#198: Your Partner Can't Be Everything To You
#197: Sex is Good, Sleep is Better!
#196: Savour Sex
#195: How To Live A Tantric Life
#194: Be Kind - It Works
#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries
#192: Good Rest=Good Sex
#191: We Need Bliss
#190: Being Sexually Receptive is Not Being Sexually Passive
#189: So Much Love
#188: A High-Quality Relationship is a High-Maintenance Relationship
#187: Sex as Spiritual Practice
#186: Playing with the Yin and Yang of Sex
#185: The Yin and Yang of Sex
#184: Third Level Love-Making
#183: Vive La Difference!
#182: What Is a Marriage Sabbatical and Why Take One?
#181: The Basic Sexual Unit is One
#180: A Penis is for Connection, not Penetration
#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'
#178: Big Sex is Beautiful Sex
#177: Women Are Not 'Naturally' Monogamous
#176: Sex Therapy and Couples Retreats - What to do if you have a Reluctant Partner
#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex
#174: Mums and Dads Need "Cuddle Time"
#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner
#172: Is Porn Making Women Less Feminine?
#171: Is Porn Making Men Less Masculine?
#170: Rough Sex
#169: The Three Pillars of Love
#168: Seven Benefits of Attending My Couples Retreats
#167: Ban Penetration - the word, not the act!
#166: Solo Cultivation - Mindful Masturbation for Men
#165: Our Bodies Thrive on Pleasure
#164: Leela: Cosmic Play, Sexual Play
#163: Toys for Grown-Ups
#162: Backdoor Pleasures - how to enjoy anal sex
#161: The Sexual Glutton vs The Sexual Gourmet
#160: Erotic Wickedness - How to Play with Power Exchange
#159: Practice Expressing Your Feelings For Greater Connection and Better Sex
#158: Let’s Talk About Our Sex
#157: Love Your Breasts
#156: Ditch the Sex Myths
#155: Relax Into Orgasm
#154: When A Woman Is Free To Be Herself Sex Takes On A Spiritual Dimension
#153: It All Starts With A Kiss…
#152: The Ecstasy is in the Spaces In-Between
#151: Radical Honesty
#150: Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength
#149: Your New Year's Resolution - Have Better Sex
#148: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All
#147: A Beautiful Vulva is Like A Luscious Hamburger
#146: Come From a Place of "Yes"!
#145: Finger Finesse
#144: Reluctance is Not frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!
#143: Tantra: The Art of Mindful Sex
#142: Love Thy Partner
#141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’
#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines
#139: Sex is the Base of Being Human
#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women (and their Partners) Deserve
#137: Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain
#136: Have Sex with God…
#135: So Many Boxes - So Little Freedom
#134: How to Move Forward When Your Partner Has Betrayed You
#133: The Reason Why Humans Are So Sexual
#132: Partnered Yoga - Erotic Connection
#131: Make Love Like You’re Playing An Instrument For Ultimate Sensual Pleasure
#130: How to Talk to Kids About Sex - and why you need to
#129: Inviting A Third (or fourth or more…) - the right way to play
#128: Does Size Really Matter?
#127: The Way of the Householder - how to make the everyday sublime
#126: Our Bodies Are the Best Sex Toy Ever
#125: Honour Your Genitals for Exquisite Sex - the Why and How
#124: Tango Tantra - Make Your Love Life Blissfully Connected
#123: The Yin & Yang of Sex Chemistry
#122: DIY Porn - It’s A Fun Way to Add Spice to Your Love Life
#121: Move Beyond Sleaze and Shame and Discover The Third Wave of Sexuality
#120: Don’t Fake It Till You Make It - ‘Cause You Won’t Make It
#119: Give Your Man Absolute Pleasure...Try Prostate Massage
#118: We’re All Individuals! There are Spectra of Sexuality
#117: My Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!
#116: Can Fisting Be Fabulous?
#115: Ten Reasons Why Married Women Have Affairs, and What To Do When She Does
#114: Mutual Pleasure Requires Mutual Responsibility - how to expand your sex play safely
#113: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - how to add restraint to your sex life
#112: What’s Your Eroticism - Intimate, Wild, Fun?
#111: 10 Tips For Your Vagina
#110: When the Man Leads, the Woman Embellishes
#109: Unblock Sexual Energy for Greater Love
#108: The Sensual Dom(me)
#107: Explore Your Fantasies
#106: Dress-Ups! How to have fun with role-play.
#105: Consensual Non-Monotony
#104: Consensual Non-Monogamy
#103: Languid 69
#102: Sensual Non-Monogamy
#101: Make Love to Yourself - Mindful Masturbation for Women
#100: Celibacy, Sexuality and Spirituality
Bloglovin
#99: Spice Alone Tastes Terrible...
#98: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
#97: Plugging In - Sex Without Movement
#96: Growing Better With Age
#95: Teaching Tantra in Paradise
#94: Time Apart Can Be Erotic
#93: When He's Lost Interest
#92: Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me?
#91: If Sex Hurts, Change What You're Doing
#90: Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner
#89: Trust Your Body
#88: Chill Out in Your Sanctuary
#87: Planning for Pleasure
#86: Make the Lead-Up Erotic
#85: Advice from Japanese Grandmothers on How to Be Beautiful
#84: If You Want A Mature Relationship You Have To Be Mature
#83: How Often Should We Have Sex?
#82: Slay the Pink Elephants!
#81: The Tantric Lounge Radio Show - Talking Sex, Science and Spirituality
#80: What Do Men Love Best About Sex?
#79: Fetishes are Fine
#78: The Awesomeness of Men Who Are Present
#77: Sex Doesn't Have to Involve the Genitals
#76: Winter's a Time for Sexual Growth
#75: An Erection Does Not Have To Be Serviced
#74: "My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm"
#73: To Come or Not To Come
#72: Know Your Sexual Rhythm
#71: Fill Up Your Self-Love Tank
#70: The Cup-of-Tea Approach to Sexual Self-Coaching
#69: Trust Means Being OK with Not Knowing
#68: Renegotiate Your Contract
#67: Breathe Together - It's Tantric Foreplay
#66: The Number One Secret to Good Sex
#65: An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away - why sex is so good for you
#64: Teaching Sex Therapists Tantra
#63: Is “Good Enough” Sex Good Enough?
#62: Observing Love
#61: There Is Always A Lower Desire Partner
#60: You Can't Find Balance, You Have To Craft It
#59: Sexual, Spiritual Business Leaders
#58: Positive Messages in 50 Shades of Grey
#57: Playing with Pleasure and Pain
#56: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - Advanced
#55: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - The Basics
#54: Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica
#53: Tantric Kink
#52: Tools for Self-Validation from a Luscious Woman
#51: How to Master the Art of Vaginal Stimulation
#50: Discover the G, A and Ohhhh-Spots
#49: The Tantric Quickie
#48: We All Need To Be Balanced in Our Masculine and Feminine Sides
#47: One Couple's "Kilimanjaro Walk" to Sexual Reconnection
#46: Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Gal
#45: The Etiquette of Observing Breasts
#44: The World is Waking to Conscious Sex
#43: Try A Little Tenderness
#42: Erotica or Sleaze
#41: A Sensual Man Makes A Great Lover
#40: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality
#39: What is Sex Therapy, Sex Coaching and Tantra Teaching?
#38: The Beauty of Conflict
#37: A Woman's Body Opens In Stages
#36: Breathe Well: Live & Love Well
#35: Phone Sex
#34: Do Your Research - It's Fun!
#33: Unconditional Love Requires Self-validation
#32: Men Need a Muse Not Just A Vagina
#31: Teaching Tantra in Thailand
#30: Being Real
#29: Twelve Benefits of Sex
#28: Communicate - Human's Can't Read Minds!
#27: True Intimacy
#26: The Core of Tantra: Real Sex
#25: Sex as Entree not Dessert
#24: Fire and Water: The Masculine and Feminine Sexual Energies
#23: High Libido Women Keep Themselves Simmering
#22: The Breadth of Sexuality & the Importance of Fun
#21: Prioritising Sex
#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma
#19: Not-So-Secret Men's Business
#18: Could We Have A Festival of Sexuality?
#17: Three Things a Whole Man Needs
#16: Valuing the Masculine
#15: Valuing the Feminine
#14: Face the Darkness to Find the Light
#13: Grow Up and Open Up Australia
#12: How Men Can Circulate Sexual Energy
#11: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!
#10: Sexual Pleasure is the Great Equalizer
#9: Become a Black Belt in the Bedroom!
#8: Neuroplasticity - Moulding Your Brain for Better Sex
#7: Raise Your Sexual Energy
#6: How To Consume An Ice-Cream - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 2
#5: How To Eat A Peach - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 1
#4: Love in the Time of Chaos
#3: A History of Sexual Misinformation
#2: Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth
#1: The Birth of the LoveLife Blog - with some underlying philosophical ramblings

#364: Suggest Don't Ask
#363: Take the Pressure Off Your Penis!
#362: Don't Let Your Primitive Brain Rule Your Relationship
#361: Great Sex is Not About Speed
#360: Sexual KPIs - Key Pleasure Indicators
#359: Your Relationship is Like a Boat that Carries you through Life
#358: Talk 'Erotic' Not 'Dirty'
#357: Great Sex is Rarely Spontaneous
#356: Approaching Sex As A Spiritual Practice
#355: You're Not Alone - Sexual Struggle is Normal
#354: Let Nature Boost Your Libido
#353: Invite and Envelop
#352: A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
#351: How to "Start the Dominos Falling"
#350: Move Towards Love-Led not Lust-Led Sex
#349: The Yin & Yang of Erotic Physiology
#348: Should Age Like A Fine Wine
#347: We All Need To “Come Out” To Our Unique Sexuality
#346: Burn Away the Undergrowth to Allow New Growth
#345: Don't Push a Relationship to Crisis Point, End It Sooner
#344: When It Gets Awkward in Bed
#343: It's Normal to Find Other People Attractive
#342: The Dance of Initiation
#341: We All Need A Phone Policy!
#340: What Comes Before Consent
#339: More than Sex-Positive, We Need to be Sex-Comfortable
#338: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill!
#337: You Can't Search for Love. It's Already There. You Can Only Remove the Barriers to Let It In
#336: How to Communicate Complaints Effectively
#335: Nurture Your Soul with Sex
#334: How to Express Your Emotions Without Being "Emotional"
#333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?
#332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
#331: It's Ok to Disappoint Your Partner
#330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
#329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
#328: Safety is Sexy
#327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
#326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
#325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curious
#324: How Alike do you Need to be to Have a Good Relationship
#323: Be "At Home" in Your Body
#322: Don't Ever Stop Kissing
#321: Consent From the Inside
#320: How To Say No Without It Feeling Like Rejection
#319: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 3: Sexual Transformation
#318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
#317: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 1: Personal Transformation
#316: Take Your Partner Off A Sexual Pedestal
#315: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other
#314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
#313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
#312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
#311: The Bridgerton Effect
#310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
#309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
#308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
#307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In-the-moment and the Debrief
#306: What I Desire
#305: Lazy Sex
#304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect - It's Human!
#303: The Art of the Thrust
#302: Transformational Erotica
#301: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice
#300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…
#299: Date Night or Date Day?
#298: Teenage Love-Making
#297: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It's My Life's Work!
#296: The Sex Store in Your Pantry
#295: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?
#294: Take Your Penis for a Walk!
#293: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up
#292: Become a Sensual Explorer
#291: Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me
#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex
#289: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana
#288: Love in the Time of COVID-19
#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried
#286: Meditate Your Way to Great Sex
#285: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Like Kissing - what to do?
#284: Communing - deep intimate connection
#283: Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?
#282: On Being A Human in a Female Body
#281: Q&A: How Do We Connect After So Much Stress?
#280: Get A Life! Your Sex Drive Needs the Dopamine
#279: Q&A: My Husband Is Having An Affair and I'm Relieved
#278: Stocking Up Your Love Larder - the key to spontaneous sex
#277: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?
#276: Intercourse as Foreplay
#275: Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex
#274: Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It - the foundation of great sex
#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?
#272: How Has Sex Helped You Grow - Research Participants Wanted!
#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage
#270: Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential
#269: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?
#268: It's the Sum of the Small Things
#267: Q&A: How Do We Reignite Our Love Life
#266: Relationship Vitamins
#265: I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well
#264: The Pleasure of A Soft Cock
#263: Make Every Stroke Count
#262: You Can Make Love With Just A Kiss
#261: Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex
#260: How to Stay In Love
#259: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 2: How
#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 1: What
#257: Simple Sex is Good Sex
#256: Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
#255: Own the Crone
#254: Porn Star versus Prude
#253: “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex
#251: Make Your Bedroom A Sanctuary
#250: Sexy Debriefing
#249: Getting "Love Drunk"
#248: Make-Over Your Sex Life
#247: Be Real, Express Freely
#246: The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
#245: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
#244: Gigglegasms
#243: Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
#242: Getting to Sex can be Like Getting to the Gym
#241: Intensity Repels, Enticement Attracts. Like Chocolate Cake.
#240: Turn Yourself On and the World Turns On To You
#239: Therapy is Composting Your Sh*t
#238: Are You Flat-lining or Surfing in Life?
#237: How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Sex & Relationships
#236: The Clitoris is Not an On-Off Button
#235: The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution
#234: Allow Self-Indulgence
#233: Are You Relationship-Oriented?
#232: Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex
#231: A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities
#230: Sink In to Sync In
#229: Penises - does size really matter?
#228: What To Do When He Can't Come
#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex
#226: Merge Sex & Love Energies for Potent Connection
#225: Sex is a Normal Part of Life
#224: We Judge ‘Normal’ Sex Based on Our Own Experiences
#223: How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways...
#222: Project 'Great Sex'
#221: Beforeplay Suggestions
#220: Foreplay and Beforeplay
#219: How to Heighten Sensory Pleasure
#218: The Bedroom is for Expression, Not Suppression
#217: The Three Types of Sex All Couples Need
#216: Things that make you go 'mmm' and things that make you go 'ngh'
#215: Libido - the Interplay of Desire and Arousal
#214: The Good and Bad of Porn
#213: Bad Communication Styles - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
#212: My Journey to Becoming A Transpersonal Sexologist
#211: Seven Sex Tips for Busy People
#210: Penises Love A Soft Touch
#209: Share Before You Fix
#208: The Best Thing A Father Can Do
#207: The Exquisiteness of a Relaxed Vagina
#206: The Look of Love - Eye-Gazing
#205: Quanta of Deliciousness
#204: How to Maintain the “Mmm-Factor”
#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love
#202: Seven Benefits of Attending A LoveLife Couples Tantra Retreat
#201: Make Sex Your Hobby
#200: Partnered Sex is Not Solo Sex for Two
#199: Melting Moments
#198: Your Partner Can't Be Everything To You
#197: Sex is Good, Sleep is Better!
#196: Savour Sex
#195: How To Live A Tantric Life
#194: Be Kind - It Works
#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries
#192: Good Rest=Good Sex
#191: We Need Bliss
#190: Being Sexually Receptive is Not Being Sexually Passive
#189: So Much Love
#188: A High-Quality Relationship is a High-Maintenance Relationship
#187: Sex as Spiritual Practice
#186: Playing with the Yin and Yang of Sex
#185: The Yin and Yang of Sex
#184: Third Level Love-Making
#183: Vive La Difference!
#182: What Is a Marriage Sabbatical and Why Take One?
#181: The Basic Sexual Unit is One
#180: A Penis is for Connection, not Penetration
#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'
#178: Big Sex is Beautiful Sex
#177: Women Are Not 'Naturally' Monogamous
#176: Sex Therapy and Couples Retreats - What to do if you have a Reluctant Partner
#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex
#174: Mums and Dads Need "Cuddle Time"
#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner
#172: Is Porn Making Women Less Feminine?
#171: Is Porn Making Men Less Masculine?
#170: Rough Sex
#169: The Three Pillars of Love
#168: Seven Benefits of Attending My Couples Retreats
#167: Ban Penetration - the word, not the act!
#166: Solo Cultivation - Mindful Masturbation for Men
#165: Our Bodies Thrive on Pleasure
#164: Leela: Cosmic Play, Sexual Play
#163: Toys for Grown-Ups
#162: Backdoor Pleasures - how to enjoy anal sex
#161: The Sexual Glutton vs The Sexual Gourmet
#160: Erotic Wickedness - How to Play with Power Exchange
#159: Practice Expressing Your Feelings For Greater Connection and Better Sex
#158: Let’s Talk About Our Sex
#157: Love Your Breasts
#156: Ditch the Sex Myths
#155: Relax Into Orgasm
#154: When A Woman Is Free To Be Herself Sex Takes On A Spiritual Dimension
#153: It All Starts With A Kiss…
#152: The Ecstasy is in the Spaces In-Between
#151: Radical Honesty
#150: Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength
#149: Your New Year's Resolution - Have Better Sex
#148: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All
#147: A Beautiful Vulva is Like A Luscious Hamburger
#146: Come From a Place of "Yes"!
#145: Finger Finesse
#144: Reluctance is Not frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!
#143: Tantra: The Art of Mindful Sex
#142: Love Thy Partner
#141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’
#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines
#139: Sex is the Base of Being Human
#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women (and their Partners) Deserve
#137: Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain
#136: Have Sex with God…
#135: So Many Boxes - So Little Freedom
#134: How to Move Forward When Your Partner Has Betrayed You
#133: The Reason Why Humans Are So Sexual
#132: Partnered Yoga - Erotic Connection
#131: Make Love Like You’re Playing An Instrument For Ultimate Sensual Pleasure
#130: How to Talk to Kids About Sex - and why you need to
#129: Inviting A Third (or fourth or more…) - the right way to play
#128: Does Size Really Matter?
#127: The Way of the Householder - how to make the everyday sublime
#126: Our Bodies Are the Best Sex Toy Ever
#125: Honour Your Genitals for Exquisite Sex - the Why and How
#124: Tango Tantra - Make Your Love Life Blissfully Connected
#123: The Yin & Yang of Sex Chemistry
#122: DIY Porn - It’s A Fun Way to Add Spice to Your Love Life
#121: Move Beyond Sleaze and Shame and Discover The Third Wave of Sexuality
#120: Don’t Fake It Till You Make It - ‘Cause You Won’t Make It
#119: Give Your Man Absolute Pleasure...Try Prostate Massage
#118: We’re All Individuals! There are Spectra of Sexuality
#117: My Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!
#116: Can Fisting Be Fabulous?
#115: Ten Reasons Why Married Women Have Affairs, and What To Do When She Does
#114: Mutual Pleasure Requires Mutual Responsibility - how to expand your sex play safely
#113: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - how to add restraint to your sex life
#111: 10 Tips For Your Vagina
#112: What’s Your Eroticism - Intimate, Wild, Fun?
#110: When the Man Leads, the Woman Embellishes
#109: Unblock Sexual Energy for Greater Love
#108: The Sensual Dom(me)
#107: Explore Your Fantasies
#106: Dress-Ups! How to have fun with role-play.
#105: Consensual Non-Monotony
#104: Consensual Non-Monogamy
#103: Languid 69
#102: Sensual Non-Monogamy
#101: Make Love to Yourself - Mindful Masturbation for Women
#100: Celibacy, Sexuality and Spirituality
#99: Spice Alone Tastes Terrible...
#98: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
#97: Plugging In - Sex Without Movement
#96: Growing Better With Age
#95: Teaching Tantra in Paradise
#94: Time Apart Can Be Erotic
#93: When He's Lost Interest
#92: Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me?
#91: If Sex Hurts, Change What You're Doing
#90: Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner
#89: Trust Your Body
#88: Chill Out in Your Sanctuary
#87: Planning for Pleasure
#86: Make the Lead-Up Erotic
#85: Advice from Japanese Grandmothers on How to be Beautiful
#84: If You Want A Mature Relationship You Have To Be Mature
#83: How Often Should We Have Sex?
#82: Slay the Pink Elephants!
#81: The Tantric Lounge Radio Show - Talking Sex, Science and Spirituality
#80: What Do Men Love Best About Sex?
#79: Fetishes are Fine
#78: The Awesomeness of Men Who Are Present
#77: Sex Doesn't Have to Involve the Genitals
#76: Winter's a Time for Sexual Growth
#75: An Erection Does Not Have To Be Serviced
#74: "My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm"
#73: To Come or Not To Come
#72: Know Your Sexual Rhythm
#71: Fill Up Your Self-Love Tank
#70: The Cup-of-Tea Approach to Sexual Self-Coaching
#69: Trust Means Being OK with Not Knowing
#68: Renegotiate Your Contract
#67: Breathe Together - It's Tantric Foreplay
#66: The Number One Secret to Good Sex
#65: An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away - why sex is so good for you
#64: Teaching Sex Therapists Tantra
#63: Is “Good Enough” Sex Good Enough?
#62: Observing Love
#61: There Is Always A Lower Desire Partner
#60: You Can't Find Balance, You Have To Craft It
#59: Sexual, Spiritual Business Leaders
#58: Positive Messages in 50 Shades of Grey
#57: Playing with Pleasure and Pain
#56: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - Advanced
#55: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - The Basics
#54: Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica
#53: Tantric Kink
#52: Tools for Self-Validation from a Luscious Woman
#51: How to Master the Art of Vaginal Stimulation
#50: Discover the G, A and Ohhhh-Spots
#49: The Tantric Quickie
#48: We All Need To Be Balanced in Our Masculine and Feminine Sides
#47: One Couple's "Kilimanjaro Walk" to Sexual Reconnection
#46: Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Gal
#45: The Etiquette of Observing Breasts
#44: The World is Waking to Conscious Sex
#43: Try A Little Tenderness
#42: Erotica or Sleaze
#41: A Sensual Man Makes A Great Lover
#40: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality
#39: What is Sex Therapy, Sex Coaching and Tantra Teaching?
#38: The Beauty of Conflict
#37: A Woman's Body Opens In Stages
#36: Breathe Well: Live & Love Well
#35: Phone Sex
#34: Do Your Research - It's Fun!
#33: Unconditional Love Requires Self-validation
#32: Men Need a Muse Not Just A Vagina
#31: Teaching Tantra in Thailand
#30: Being Real
#29: Twelve Benefits of Sex
#28: Communicate - Human's Can't Read Minds!
#27: True Intimacy
#26: The Core of Tantra: Real Sex
#25: Sex as Entree not Dessert
#24: Fire and Water: The Masculine and Feminine Sexual Energies
#23: High Libido Women Keep Themselves Simmering
#22: The Breadth of Sexuality & the Importance of Fun
#21: Prioritising Sex
#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma
#19: Not-So-Secret Men's Business
#18: Could We Have A Festival of Sexuality?
#17: Three Things a Whole Man Needs
#16: Valuing the Masculine
#15: Valuing the Feminine
#14: Face the Darkness to Find the Light
#13: Grow Up and Open Up Australia
#12: How Men Can Circulate Sexual Energy
#11: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!
#10: Sexual Pleasure is the Great Equalizer
#9: Become a Black Belt in the Bedroom!
#8: Neuroplasticity - Moulding Your Brain for Better Sex
#7: Raise Your Sexual Energy
#6: How To Consume An Ice-Cream - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 2
#5: How To Eat A Peach - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 1
#4: Love in the Time of Chaos
#3: A History of Sexual Misinformation
#2: Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth
#1: The Birth of the LoveLife Blog - with some underlying philosophical ramblings

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