We tend to think that the definition of ‘libido’ is sex drive, how much you want sex, or how often you get horny. But the original meaning of the word libido is life force energy. I think that is a much better way to conceptualise libido.

In the oriental traditions they say that the sexual energy is transformed into the life energy, the chi or ki. That’s what I notice clinically too. When people are flat, exhausted, stressed, depressed, their life force is low and they tend not to want sex. When people are engaged and joyful and connected, then they tend to be open to sex. Interestingly, I do see people with low life force who want sex, but it’s usually to relieve stress or because they’re bored and want a ‘hit’; and I see people with high life force who say they don’t want sex, but that’s usually because their concept of sex isn’t appealing or their experience of it hasn’t been great.

So, anything you do that enhances your life force will enhance your libido.

Being is nature is a great way to do this. Nature is full of life force – it’s where life comes from! Bathing in nature’s life force is so enhancing of our own.

I just spent two weeks camping in central Australia. It was a total experience of this libidinal life force! There was the vast open desert, incredible rock formations, hidden gorges, oases, towering river red gums, multitudes of wildflowers, wallabies, emu, and so many different birds… Waking up to the dawn chorus of birdsong, walking all day and sitting around an open fire as the sun set, were such connected, spiritual experiences.

It's bathing in nature. It’s cleansing the spirit and the soul with nature. It’s allowing freshness and goodness and joy to permeate and fill your being. It’s libido, being in tune with life and nature, untarnished with the stress and negative energies of modern living.

The more you can bring this into your life the better. With plants, art, good food, beautiful relaxing spaces, music. And making love in the way I advocate! Not some sordid pornfest but connected, slow, intimate (which can also be playful and wild and wicked, the two aren’t mutually exclusive) – real, authentic, deep and light, blissful and transcendent.

Sex like this is also life force-enhancing, libido-enhancing, so it becomes a positive feedback loop, enhancing all of life and love!

It's why my clinic is full of plants and has beautiful views of trees, why my own home blurs the boundaries of garden and house, and why I hold my retreats in beautiful locations surrounded by nature. I encourage you to create this in your own life too!

Mindfulness is a good thing. From scientific research to the personal experience of increasing numbers of people, there is proof of so many benefits from practicing mindfulness in life – better health, calmer, more self-aware, more engaged with life.

There’s also been more research on sex and mindfulness, although the focus tends to be on how mindfulness practices can make sex better. I’m just as interested in how sex itself can be a mindfulness practice.

So, what are mindfulness practices? We tend to associate mindfulness with solo, sedentary practices such as meditation, prayer and contemplation. And yes, these are great ways to practice mindfulness, to learn to still the mind, relax the body and even have experiences of oneness with the universe. Ideally these practices will also be embodied, so that you are really present and aware of your body, as much as stilling the mind. I tend to think of this as ‘bodyfulness’ as much as ‘mindfulness’.

While you can practice embodied mindfulness in seated positions, more obviously embodiment-focused are the movement-based mindfulness practices. These practices involve movement, such as tai chi and yoga, which have additional benefits of being kinaesthetic, proprioceptive, tactile, spacial and interoceptive (when practiced with focus not just as a physical experience).

And then there are partnered movement-based embodied mindfulness practices, such as some of the martial arts and dance, which can be even more beneficial. One study which compared the benefits of meditation, exercise and Argentine Tango, found that Tango induced a broader and more persistent range of benefits than either meditation or exercise. The researchers attributed these benefits to the fact that Tango requires, and develops: acceptance, trust, absolute attention, and awareness of the moment, in a safe environment.

I haven’t seen any similar studies on sex, but being both a practitioner of Tango and sex, particularly Tantric sex, I can attest that there are a lot of similarities. But not just any sex. The linear process of fantasy-based genital-focused sex can be fun and highly satisfying, but not necessarily mindful. To be mindful, the participants need to be present within themselves and attuned to each other, creating a state of enhanced connectivity called resonance.

To do this you need to take the time to connect, to sink in and sync in (sink in to yourself to sync in with your partner). You can do this with an eye gaze, breathing together, through sensual touch, undressing each other, or even with a conversation.

Then let go of any expectation that the experience needs to be a certain way. Take a non-linear approach and let the encounter unfold in a moment-by-moment co-creation. Feel into your body, feel how it interacts with and responds to your partner. Allow feelings and sensations to permeate the whole of your body. Be attuned to subtle sensation. Allow your mind to be embodied, one with your body, observing, experiencing.

Experience the mindfulness within and between. Then see how this transforms your experience of sex, and quite possibly, of life.

Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.

Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:

Touch your partner with items of different texture and temperature. Try a feather, a piece of silk, a body brush, a loofah. Try things that have been heated or cooled, such as warm oil or ice-blocks. Use everyday items: the end of a belt, a scarf, a fork, the back of a spoon…

Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receiver's hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).

Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gherkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)

Arouse the olfactory: have scented candles or an oil burner in the room; wave perfume or essential oils or fresh herbs under their nose (and run the latter over their body)

Have music playing, and vary the types of music, noting the difference on how it affects your love-making and sensory play. Try putting headphones on one person while the other does delicious things to their body. Bang bongoes together, play a Tibetan singing bowl, tuning forks, rub the rim of a crystal glass or create some other interesting sounds.

And sight, the main sense. Try simply looking at each other, holding the gaze for a number of minutes. Have one look at the other, just simply looking - this can be initially confronting for the receiver, but can become highly erotic and arousing. Do a slow undress or striptease, model lingerie or do a simple yet sensual dance for your partner.

Then combine all the elements in various ways. This is wonderful play that arouses and pleasures without even having to involve the genitals. The possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination.

So go forth and play! Become sensual explorers and experiment with sensation and the senses to take yourselves to new places of eroticism and sensuality…

Download Audio: Become A Sensual Explorer

One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.

I'm going to speak directly to female readers here, because I find that women have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.

Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.

Now there are some ‘precious princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I'm not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually.

Sex as letting go, opening up, being real, requires self-indulgence. As a woman it requires you to open to the experience, to allow pleasure, wonder and ecstasy.

Yet so many women hold themselves back from experiencing this pleasure. So many women hold back from allowing themselves the indulgence of engaging and receiving pleasure.

Which is such a shame! Because the more a woman lets herself go in this way, the more pleasure there is for her, and therefore the more pleasure there is for her partner.

This is a completely different approach to the ‘sex as stress relief’ or ‘sex as performance’ or ‘sex as duty’ approaches to sex that are so common. This is ‘sex as letting go’, ‘sex as indulgence and heightened states of ecstasy’. This is truly good loving.

If as a woman you have trouble letting go to this extent, if you can’t allow yourself this indulgence, ask yourself why:

• Is it that you have blocks to pleasure?
• Is it that you have false beliefs about the purpose of sex?
• Are you buying into false beliefs about the roles of men and women in sex?
• Do you not really trust your partner enough?
• Do you not trust yourself enough?

If you do want to open up more to self-indulgence and allow for sexual pleasure, then please come and see me for private sessions, or attend my LoveLife Women's Retreat or do my women's online course.

We’ll get you indulging again. You deserve it!

An orgasm is good, great in fact, but it gets better than that - it gets orgasmic!

Yes, the range of orgasms and orgasmic experiences we can have is mind-blowing. If you think sex is about stimulating your genitals until you have an orgasm and then you’re done, oh boy, have you got a long way to go! And what a journey!

To have a nice clitoral orgasm if you’re a woman, or to have a nice ejaculation if you’re a man, is important. Some women have trouble with this, so I love to help them start to have orgasms. It’s just the start though…

For women in particular, the orgasmic possibilities are vast, but men too can experience a lot more than just an ejaculation, and they can certainly have more than one. Women, well, women can get into an orgasmic state - and stay there a long time!

Let’s start with women. How to achieve this? Well, for a start, don’t think that once you’ve had an orgasm you’re done. Far from it. Often the first orgasm is little more than stress release. Even the second might be a nice build up and small explosion. By then you’ll be nicely aroused and you can start having orgasmic 'waves', where the pleasure comes in waves as it rises and falls, or get into an orgasmic 'state', which is when you can barely tell if you’re orgasming or not, it all feels so good, and which lasts for extended periods of time.

So once you’ve had an orgasm, stay with it. If it’s a clitoral orgasm, keep you or your partner’s hand lightly touching the clitoris, without stimulating and feel the yummy pleasure suffuse your body. Breathe with it, luxuriate in it, then you’ll find in a little while you can build up the stimulation again, heading for another orgasm or finding yourself in an orgasmic state of wow-I-can’t-imagine-it-could-feel-better-than-this type sensation (not that you’ll be thinking as your mind will be turned off!).

It’s the same for vaginal orgasms - once you’ve come, slow down movement and stay with the delicious feeling, drawing it throughout your body. Only after a while of really immersing yourself in the feeling so that the orgasmic feeling is drawn out do you start movement again.

This applies to however you have an orgasm - some women can orgasm from having non-genital parts of their bodies stimulated - nipples, neck, thighs, lips, mouth (yes, you can orgasm giving oral sex), others can orgasm from simply being watched, others from breathing with their partner, or even on their own. However the orgasm arises, stay with the feeling, minimise stimulation, then slowly build up again. This will allow you to go to ever higher stages of arousal, leading to orgasmic states rather than specific orgasms (or both!).

And for men, the key is to not focus on your ejaculation but on her pleasure. That way after you’ve had an orgasm you can keep on going. Make sure your orgasms don’t come from tension, but come from release. Stay inside her and tune in to the on-going sensation in your penis, allowing the sensation to pervade your body, so after the ejaculation you experience a whole body orgasm that can last for quite a while. Bring your attention back to your partner and focus on her pleasure.

The more you practice this approach, the more she’ll be letting go and staying highly aroused, as though she’s in an altered state of consciousness, which you’ll find highly arousing and which will allow you to stay present to the love-making without needing to roll over and go to sleep (as long as you’re not doing this late at night, in which case a sweet little bonk is probably more appropriate).

Chances are you’ll be able to have another ejaculatory orgasm, or you might prefer to simply swim in the pleasure of her pleasure. As my partner says: “It’s like swimming in the energy you release and I don’t necessarily need to come myself.”

Having said that, for some men it’s important that they learn to receive before they can have extended orgasmic experiences, in which case the approach outlined above for women works for men. Have the partner focus on the man, bring him to orgasm, stop stimulation but continue focusing on the penis, he stays with the sensation, breathing it throughout his body, then you can continue with stimulation. Do this for as long as you like - you can keep this up for hours!

Sexual pleasure involves so much more than just what your genitals are doing.

Engaging the senses is a crucial element to heightening sexual pleasure.

Just as the experience is more enjoyable and satisfying the more you engage the senses and make it a whole experience when you eat - think grabbing a bite to eat on the run as opposed to a sit down meal - so it is with sex.

Our whole obsession with ‘food porn’ is so much more than just eating. There’s the ‘plating up’ so that the food is beautifully presented, there is the texture and visual beauty of the tableware, the cutlery. Flowers and candles present more visual beauty and olfactory delights. The right music adds auditory ambience. All these elements combine to create a heightened experience of the eating, much more so than if you scoffed the same food on the run.

Within the food itself, ideally there are wonderful contrasts of texture, tastes, smells.

With sex it’s the same. You change the experience by changing the sensory elements.

Music that is serene versus music that is uplifting, trance dance music is different to elegant classical, silence, the lack of sound has it’s own effect. You can get further creatively with other sounds, crystal bowls, chimes and drums.

Scents that are sweet have a different effect to those that are citrusy, which are different again to warming scents. Flowers, candles, incense, scent sticks, perfume and oils on your bodies, not to mention the scents that your own bodies release during love-making.

Including food and drink into your love play adds the element of taste. Blindfold your partner and offer them different delicacies. Or if you want to be a little wicked, mix in contrasting flavours - such as, pickles then chocolate. Blindfold each other and attempt to feed each other chocolate mousse. Bite into a liqueur chocolate and kiss your partner deeply. Pour liqueur over your lover’s body and lick it off. Fill their belly button with vodka and drink it. Don’t just limit yourself to the obvious, your larder has a lot more to offer than chocolate body paint or chemical-filled edible lubricants.

Playing with texture offers endless possibilities. Go and collect six items each from around the house and see how they feel. Try running the edge of a card or the tines of a fork along your skin. Run silk, velvet, fur over your body.

Sight can be the overpowering sense, so try removing that sense, either with a blindfold or simply closing your eyes, and feeling more with your other senses.

Or use the visual to heighten your pleasure. Ensure the environment in which you make love is beautiful. The colours that surround you, the lighting of the space, the use of mirrors, art that is evocative, even erotic - these all influence the quality of the experience.

This is a creative endeavour, heightening the senses requires the best use of your brain and it’s creative abilities. Engage the creative, aesthetic part of your brain, and you’ll engage the senses for heightened pleasure at all levels of sexual engagement.

Penises love a woman’s softness. Why then, do so many women feel they need to stimulate a man so hard?

A woman is not a masturbation machine, nor is she a vacuum cleaner. Yet so many women act like this in bed with a man.

If he really wants the intensity of a man from his partner, then tell him to explore his bisexual side! Seriously - bisexual men tell me that the pleasure of being with a man is in the intensity and hardness of the encounter.

The problem is that so many men have never even had their penises touched tenderly and softly.

Because men tend to be pretty intense when masturbating, some think that’s the only way to pleasure their penis, and so expect the same from their female partner. But once a man has experienced the sensation of tender stimulation of his penis (given with true erotic desire and connection), well, he won’t turn back. It’s a wonderful sensation.

Which is not to say that there aren’t times when you won’t want to bring in some vigour. Most of the time though, explore the gentler side - hold and caress and stroke your man’s penis with intense softness and passionate tenderness. He’ll love it!

And never again will you get a strained forearm, aching neck or sore cheeks…

When your vagina is relaxed and receptive it becomes the most amazingly sensitive organ, capable of experiencing subtle energies and generating beautifully exquisite sensations. Unfortunately, as the standard model of sex is for vigorous thrusting into the vagina, our vaginas tend to become “hardened” to subtlety.

Also, because of the focus on the clitoris, the vagina can get neglected. To the extent that some people feel that the clitoris is the only important sex organ for a woman and that the vagina is simply a vessel for the man’s penis to enjoy. So most of the attention goes on to the clitoris, with strong stimulation there to the point of orgasm, followed by intercourse until he comes. The clitoris is very wonderful, of course! But so is the vagina. I’d like you to reclaim your vagina as the wonderful, sensitive organ that it can be.

To do this, you need to approach intercourse slowly, tenderly and gently. You won’t awaken the subtle ecstasy with vigorous stimulation. So, follow this general approach:

• Make sure you are beautifully aroused: be in a lovely environment, take your time with non-genital connection (kissing, touch, hugging, eye gazing, etc.) to become aroused. You are aiming for a soft, warm arousal here, not a highly intense sexual excitement.
• When you feel like inviting your partner’s penis to enter you, move into a comfortable position for entry. You can be reclining on your back with him approaching between your legs, or twist your hips a little to the side so he can enter from the side in scissors position. If you’d rather be the one on top, that’s fine too.
• Have his penis rest at the entrance to your vagina. Take some moments, or even a minute, to simply feel the contact between the head of his penis and the entrance to your vagina. Notice how that feels in your genitals, in your heart, in your whole body. Try looking into each other’s eyes as you do this, and then close them, feeling the difference.
• When you’re ready, allow him to slowly, slowly enter you. Relax your vagina and really get a sense of welcoming him in, allowing your vagina to envelop and hold his penis. Be aware moment by moment of the sensations of penis and vagina uniting.
• Invite him to enter you fully and deeply. Once fully in, be still. Focus on your breathing, allowing everything to be still and peaceful. Notice the sensations.
• Keeping your vagina relaxed, caress his penis with your vaginal muscles, stroking his penis as though you were stroking a cat, smoothly and sensually. Then relax and feel.
• Allow your pelvis to move ever so slightly, in little circles or forward and back. Notice any sensations.
• When you’re ready, allow him to start moving inside you - slowly, tenderly and with utter presence. He needs to make every stroke count.

When you first start making love in this way, you may not feel much at all, as you are so used to intensity, your vagina is unable to feel subtlety. Keep practicing and over time you will find your vagina opening up and receiving fully, allowing the most wonderful sensations to flow within you and between you.

You may also find that it brings up strong emotions. Many vaginas have hardened due to the repeated “penetration” - an aggressive approach on the part of the penis that requires the vagina to go into defensive mode, literally “steeling” itself for the anticipated attack. In allowing your vagina to relax and soften, and to welcome in the penis, this can unblock emotions. If this happens, simply allow yourself to feel those emotions, and allow your partner to be present with you as this happens. The man can have a similar experience, as he feels for the first time truly welcomed and embraced by the vagina.

When you make love in this way, you are “plugging in” to each other, the positive and negative, masculine and feminine, yin and yang uniting. Rather than two genitals having a physical friction based arousal, you’re allowing a meeting of subtle energies. The exquisite sensations this can produce, and the true feeling of love and connection between two lovers, are indescribable.

Sit facing each other. Cross-legged is ideal, or on straight-backed chairs if your knees aren’t so good. Be close enough that your knees are touching and you can hold hands.

Then simply gaze into each other’s eyes.

Play some luscious, chilled music, and hold the gaze for one song. That’s about three minutes.

Allow yourself to sink into the gaze. Feel the connection between you.

You might find yourself giggling, that’s fine, let the giggles pass and let your energy sink, bringing your breath deeper into your belly to centre yourself.

You might find it gets uncomfortable, that the gaze becomes too intense. In this case simply close your eyes for a while and feel into the space between you until you feel ready to open your eyes again.

Simply feel and notice. Avoid analysing as you go, whatever you feel you feel, whatever you notice you notice. It could be blissful, it could be emotional, it could be nothing much at all, just the barest glimmer of an opening into each other.

In this co-created space, without talk or movement, you are left with the pure essence of your connection, soul to soul.

As you become more comfortable with eye gazing, you’ll bring it more into your relating: during lovemaking, any time you meet during the day, even just momentarily.

And in that gaze, you will find ever deeper connection.