There are two fundamental parts to expanding your sexual play:

• it’s got to be REAL, that is, it has to be what you truly want, and
• it’s got to be CONSENSUAL, you both have to want it.

Too many people do what they think they ‘should’ do even though they don’t really want to; or they don’t do what they think they ‘shouldn’t’ do even though they do want to.

I say, as long as it’s between adults who both (or all) agree to it, then it’s fine.

There is a separate issue of when sex or particular aspects of sex become compulsive and interfere with life, that’s not good. If you’re confused, the barometer is: is this life-enhancing, does this make me feel good and empowered and add to the quality of my life (and the same for your partner)? If the answer is yes, then go for it.

Now, as we’ve seen in my last article, there is a veritable smorgasbord of sexual delights out there. You don’t have to try them all. You don’t even have to try any of them if celibacy is your thing. It’s like food, we’ve all got our own tastes. Personally, I hate peanut butter. Most of the western world loves peanut butter, but I loathe it, just the smell turns me off. Does that make me weird? Does it make me a 'peanut butter prude'? No. Should I try peanut butter even though I know it turns my stomach? No. Conversely, I love raw sea urchin. Yum yum, that little mound of orange squidge, gets my salivary glands streaming in delight. Most people would find that really weird, even kinky. Does that make me a 'raw sea urchin pervert'? No! But should I try to force my culinary perversions on other people? Absolutely not. However, if someone shares my love of sea urchin, and has no expectation of me eating peanut butter, then we’re a good match.

That’s the second key point. Solo sex aside, there’s always someone else involved, so it’s absolutely essential that they share your taste and want to play with you. If they don’t, you can’t make them.

The analogy with food only goes so far. While an inquisitive expedition into a Japanese restaurant to try obscure raw seafoods might end with a queasy stomach and a decision never to try that weirdness again, an exploration into new sexual areas that doesn’t go well can be damaging to yourself and to the relationship.

So, how do you proceed?

The first thing is to find out what you both like. If you’re not in the habit of talking about sex then this conversation can be awkward. I always encourage couples to create a nice atmosphere for themselves, say after dinner one night, just chilling out together on the back verandah with a glass of wine and box of chocolates. Or it could be over a romantic dinner out. The important point is that it’s at a time when you’re enjoying each other's company and feeling connected. Then you might broach the topic by asking questions like:

• what’s the best thing we’ve ever done?
• what else could we do?
• what’s the naughtiest thing you wish you were brave enough to do?
• what’s something you’d do if you had no inhibitions?
• what do you fantasize about?
• what’s your greatest turn-on?

Those kind of questions can lead to interesting discussions and possibilities.

Remember, particularly if you’re the keener of the couple, don’t appear too eager or to pushy, allow time for your partner and yourself to open up slowly. There’s no rush, there’s all the time in the world.

Another idea is to read erotica aloud (which in itself is very erotic). There are plenty of books of short stories available, and then talk about which story was a turn on and why. A good book of short erotic stories will have a wide range of themes and you’ll find yourselves responding to some and not others.

Once you’ve got an idea of what you’d like to try, you have to make it safe. You both have to feel secure enough with each other that you have the confidence to go further. This means that you have to feel sure that if either of you says ‘enough, no more’ then the other will honour that. It’s when you go past that point that the trouble starts.

The best way is to have a safe word. That word will have nothing to do with sex. Something like ‘buttercup’ or ‘tarragon’. When the safe word is uttered, you stop what you’re doing and have a good cuddle and check in that you’re feeling ok. If you then decide to continue, that's fine, but there must not be any pressure to do so. The person who uses the safe word doesn’t want to feel that they’ve let the other person down or feel inadequate in any way.

Alternatively, you can use the traffic light system. Yellow means slow down, and red means stop. The same approach follows as above. No blame, no resentment, just mutual support and respect.

You can practice your safe words in relatively tame situations, like inappropriate snogging in public. You need to test it. This applies even if your sexual exploration is relatively tame, it’s not just for hardcore S&M or swinging. Even sensual play can be challenging for some people and it’s important that you have a way to communicate well.

Once you’ve started your exploration you need to talk about it, have a bit of a debrief (in a soft and sexy manner) and talk about what was good or not so good for you, what else you might like to try, how to vary the experience in future. Be loving and gentle and you’ll find the opportunities keep expanding.

The key is communication and respect. With that as your basis, you’ll find: Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

There’s a veritable smorgasbord of sexual possibilities, so why limit yourself to meat and three vegetables (with vanilla ice-cream as a special treat!)? Well, if that's all you want, that's absolutely fine. There are no ‘shoulds’ in sex, the important thing is to find out what is real for you and honour that. So if you really like chops and potatoes, that’s fine. But if you’re curious about sushi or ravioli, then give it a go! And if you like it, then make it a regular part of your life.

Now, some people are firmly in the meat and three veg camp, and others have already have a good look at the whole menu and sampled widely. I’m talking to all of you in-between. Some of you might not even know what’s on the menu! Or where to find a menu! So this is particularly for you.

In this article I’m going to look at what’s on the menu. In the next one we’ll be looking at how you and your partner decide what you’d like - unlike food, with sexual play you both need to be trying the same thing, so you need to agree about what you're tasting...

When you read through this list, please keep in mind that it's a brief overview, not in depth. You'll find other articles in this blog that go into more detail on most of them.

So, let's begin:

Positions: there are numerous variations on the five basic positions of man on top, woman on top, from behind, side-by-side, and sitting and standing. Try them using pillows and cushions to raise and lower body parts or to recline upon.

Places: Get off the bed and onto the floor, on the window sill, on couches, tables, washing machine (when it’s on), back verandah, in the shower, in the shed.

Props: Check out your local sex shop or hunt around the house for items to spark up your play. There are more ideas in this article here.

Clothes: make undressing part of your play, undressing your partner or doing a striptease yourself; leave some clothes on during sex. You might find particular clothes are arousing, such as lingerie, leather, corsets, PVC, or ridiculously high-heeled shoes that you leave on…

Sensory arousal and deprivation: heighten your senses by blindfolding your partner (or both of you!) and feeding them delicious morsels of food; or touching them with different items both softer and harsher; or putting on head-phones while delighting other senses. Have scented candles or incense, scented oils and lotions. Play sensual music in the background. Drip honey, liqueur, chocolate topping over your lover’s body and lick it off. Smear strawberry jam all over them with your body. I could go on for ever, I’m sure you get the idea…

Erotic massage: Give each other an erotic massage –you’re both naked, or near naked, lavish on the oil, include the genitals (no oil in the vagina though), use long luscious strokes using your whole body on theirs. Consider a couples massage at a massage parlour where you receive massages at the same time in the same room. If you are more adventurous there are massage services that go that little bit further…

Fetishes: You might find you have a particular ‘thing’ that turns you on. These are fetishes, and including them into your sexual play can intensify the experience. Your fetish could be a type of clothing, it could be being walked on. Or odder things like stuffed toys or enemas (yes, the mind boggles, but as long as it’s not obsessive and your partner agrees…)

Restraint: Being tied up heightens the senses, and in some people can help them get into a blissful space. For others it’s just fun and strengthens trust while allowing greater arousal. You can use stockings (following a striptease can be good), ties, belts, as well as rope. You can buy special bondage rope from sex shops or any soft rope from your local hardware store. If you use rope, keep any ties very simple and make sure you keep the binds loose enough so that blood flow is not constricted (and never put the rope around your neck!). You can also buy handcuffs and bondage tape for the same effect. Adding blindfolds can add to the experience, but make sure there’s always consent.

Pain as pleasure: For some people the release of endorphins that accompanies pain in a sexual context is very pleasurable and arousing. Spanking with the bare hand or with whips, paddles and various household items (spatulas, fly swats, rulers, brushes), can feel good. Start with the buttocks or upper back (avoid the kidney area), warming the skin up with light strokes and gradually increasing in intensity. Always follow the receiver’s cues as to whether it’s good for them or not. Painful pleasure can also be administered on the nipples with fingernails or clamps (clothes pegs or implements from a sex shop). For the more adventurous, pain can also be administered to the genitals (take it very slowly!!), both in terms of strokes or clamps.

Power exchange: This type of play is often called dominance and submission. One partner takes the dominant role in administering the treatment, and the other takes the submissive role in receiving it. This can be a huge turn-on for some people. Keep in mind that the purpose is pleasure, and each is doing it for the pleasure they and their partner are getting. It’s also the submissive one who is actually setting the limits of play.

Role plays: Power exchange often manifests in role plays: teacher-student, soldier-captive, master-slave, employer-servant, doctor-patient, police officer-prisoner, etc. Or you might just like to role play a particular period of history or cultural group or be animals. You can dress up in costume for the role-play, or simply talk each other through a scenario while having sex. You can take your role play out into the world: ‘strangers’ meeting in a bar, a wealthy man and his call-girl or business woman and her gigolo going out to dinner, just to get your creative processes started…

Erotic talk and stories: You can describe an erotic scenario while having sex. Or you can do it as foreplay. Reading aloud erotic stories can be a big turn-on and help get you in the mood and feeling creative. Speaking seductively can help your partner lose themselves, and when you’re really aroused dirty talk can be a turn-on.

Taking photos and movies: Take photos or videos of yourself as part of your sexual play. You can keep them for later if you like to watch, or delete them straight away if the turn on is the taking of it and not the watching. Combine with role plays for added effect. And for the adventurous there are websites where you can post your creations.

Erotic shows and film: Porn is the most obvious, but watching an erotic movie might be more of a turn-on. Burlesque shows have great sexy performers. More mainstream strip shows can be an interesting outing for a couple, either the more tasteful gentleman’s clubs, or even a down and dirty show in the sleazy part of town could be an adventure. The sexy parties mentioned below often have good performances.

Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes: Having sex with others is a turn-on for many people. You can invite a third person into your couple play, or invite another couple. You can limit the level of sexual engagement with the other person/people if you don’t feel comfortable with full sex. You might just like to watch others, or be watched by them. You can meet people on-line or go to swingers clubs.

Sex Parties: The capital cities have regular sexy adult parties where you can dress up and dance the night away. Often they are a place to meet like-minded people, particularly if you’re looking to swing a little, and respectful flirting is encouraged. If you have a more kinky streak, there are BDSM/kink parties where you can dress up in your finest fetish gear, and dance the night away while engaging in some public flogging. For the more adventurous, you might find yourself on the invite list for private parties where more adventurous play is permitted. (Or arrange your own...)

Public Sex: Having sex outdoors can be a lot of naughty fun. At the tamest level it could be going out without knickers on and making sure your partner knows. It could be ducking up an alley or behind a tree for a full-on pash (yep, just like teenagers). Sex in the car on the side of the road, or fondling your partner while driving so only truck drivers can see. Having sex on a hotel balcony or at a window is good. The possibilities are endless…

Whew! So there’s the smorgasbord, and I’m sure I’ve left plenty out.

Some of these ideas will turn you on and some will turn you off and some might be a tentative maybe... So, now that I’ve whetted your appetite, in the next article we'll look at how you go about trying these out.

Download Audio: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 1: What

No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!

I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback.

Now, if you have the kind of sex where you do it late at night when you’re both exhausted and he rolls off after his ejaculation and falls asleep immediately, then you’re not going to be able to debrief straight after. However, the more you move away from that three-course-meal approach to sex and more to a picnic approach the easier it will be to communicate during the love-making session, and be in a good space afterwards so that you can keep talking. In fact, you can’t do the picnic approach to sex without talking about it, it would be as limiting as a picnic without conversation (keeping in mind that of course there are times at both a picnic and sex where there’s no need to talk at all…)

When I say ‘debrief’, I don’t mean something heavy. Make it light and fun: What went well? What did you do differently? What could have been done a little differently? You can have a good giggle about the good bits, pat yourselves on your backs for new discoveries, analyse why it was good or how it could be better, and ditch anything that just didn’t work…

This applies as much to comparatively small changes, such as playing music in the bedroom, to really out-there sexual activity, such as exploring swinging. You have to talk about how it was for you and where to from here.

Just lie there together and chat, or get up and make a cup of tea and sit up and have a more involved chat. If you really do have to fall asleep, make a date to discuss things later, while having a walk together or sitting on your balcony looking out at the stars…

The more free you feel to share your experience, the easier it is to take on board what works for you as individuals and as a couple, the safer you’ll feel exploring, and the whole sex thing becomes so much more enjoyable and satisfying.


If you need help at getting better at sexy debriefing, book in for private sex therapy sessions at The Love Life Clinic.

This is an interesting one. I find a lot of people aren’t having anywhere near the kind of sex that would really turn them on, because they don’t feel they can have ‘that’ kind of sex, whatever ‘that kind of sex’ is, with their partner.

I’ve written elsewhere about pushing boundaries and how to expand your sexual play, so this is more about the step before - how to even consider having ‘dirty’ sex with your beloved.

What I mean by ‘dirty’ is whatever you want it to mean, whatever lies beyond your comfort zone of ‘acceptable’, whatever is wild, wicked, naughty, or add the adjective of your choice…

I find there are two things that can get in the way:

The Madonna-Whore Syndrome
A lot of it stems from the deeply rooted belief in our society that sex is ‘bad’. For so long sex was a necessary evil required for procreation, and could only be enacted under very limited strict guidelines - restrained, minimal, unemotional - otherwise it would be terribly sinful. Of course, suppression leads to rebellious enactment, so people, or at least men, did have wild sex - but not with their wives, only with the ‘bad girls’. And thus arose the Madonna-Whore syndrome: bad girls do, good girls don’t (and of course your wife, could only be a good girl). This was such a strong part of western sexuality for so long, and still lingers today in a more subtle form.

This idea that there is ‘good sex’ - pure and simple, and ‘bad sex’ - wild and dark, combined with an inherent sense of what is ‘loving’ and what isn’t, means that people don’t feel they can go places sexually, they can’t explore the ‘dark’ places of their sexuality, or at least, not with their beloved. So people either have limited sex lives, or they act out with people who aren’t their partner.

The Limitation of Needing Validation
The other element that prevents good, open, creative 'dirty' sex is that people become co-dependant, fused, they can no longer self-validate, they need their partner to agree with them or they feel bad, even rejected. No-one is going to open up and share ideas or push boundaries if they are fearful of a negative reaction. They’ll restrain themselves and keep in the safe zone. Unfortunately, over time that safe zone can get smaller and smaller. I meet couples who are no longer having sex at all, let alone dirty sex (or wild, or sensual, or Tantric, or whatever adjective you want to insert) - because they’re too awkward or embarrassed or apprehensive to go there.

Most people aren’t that extreme, but it’s worth examining your own beliefs. Really sit with the question and get honest with yourself: What do you feel comfortable doing with your partner? If that’s anything less than what you might like to do in an ideal world, ask yourself what’s preventing you from going there?

If the answer is along the lines of ‘it doesn’t feel right’, whether that’s a clear strong feeling or some vague indefinable sensation, then chances are you’ve got that Madonna-whore thing happening. And if your response is ‘oh I couldn’t, how would he or she react’ then you’ve got the fused thing happening.

Deal with that and you’ll open yourself to your true authentic expression of self, and with that, so much more pleasure and possibility…

Let’s talk about that most erotic of organs – our brain.

I had a client come to me stating that he was “the Mr Bean of sex”, clueless. Some sessions later he summed up his learnings with “now I get that I have to be a whole lot more creative”.

Yep, if you rely on hormones and pheromones to run your sex life, you’ll have a very brief flourish of passion at the start and then it will all die away. That’s fine if all you want sex for is to reproduce; biologically speaking that initial frenzy of hormone-driven passion will ensure the continuation of the species. However, over the millenia it has been shown that human babies need a lot of attention to grow to successful adults who have babies of their own, so if their parents can stay bonded then their survival rate goes up. So thankfully our large brains mean that not only do we have the ability to cooperate in the raising of our children, we can also create the great sex that will make that cooperation so much easier.

That should be pretty straight-forward, but our overly clever brains are just as good at talking us out of taking a playful creative approach to sex as they are at allowing that creativity and play to flourish.

Those darn beliefs and ‘shoulds’ that get in the way. I’m sure that half my time with clients is spent examining limiting beliefs and helping people identify if they really are genuine disinterests or whether it’s actually a false belief that’s holding them back.

For example:

• If you think sex has to be at night, you’re missing out on opportunities during the day.
• If you think you can’t do it outside in case someone sees, you’re missing out on the titillation of possibly being caught.
• If you think you can’t get up to kinky mischief with your partner because they are the mother/father of your children, you’re limiting yourself.
• If you think it’s ‘silly’ for older lovers to play sexual games, you’ll miss out on a lot of fun.
• If you think the man should initiate and lead and be the one to introduce new activities, then you’ll miss out on what she has to offer.
• And if you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos, crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and pleasure or any other activity (as long as it’s between consenting adults) is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it’s time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.

Stop for a moment and think about something that turns you on, but you can’t help feeling that perhaps you ’shouldn’t’. Let’s say (to be a little controversial) you have a fantasy about rough sex, but you think that as a modern new age man you’d never dream of treating your wife like that, or as a modern woman with feminist sensibilities you’d never dream of being treated like that. Rather than condemning it outright (and secretly lusting for it), bring it out in the open and try it out. Have a safe word in case your boundaries start getting pushed a bit far, then play with it. Put on a pair of old (but still sexy) knickers so that he can rip them off with his teeth as he expresses his mad passion for you!
Get the idea?

Take the concept and play with it, pushing your boundaries a little. A desire for rough sex doesn’t mean a desire for actual rape. (If it does, you do need to see a psychologist. Similarly, with any desire that doesn’t involve consenting adults. Having sex with your wife dressed up as a schoolgirl is fine, actually having sex with a school girl is not.)

Now I’m certainly not saying that good sex is kinky sex, and that if you’re not having group sex at swingers parties then you’re a prude. Far from it. You can have extraordinarily beautiful sex under the covers in missionary position with the lights off, if that is what is genuinely erotic for you at the time. But if you’re having sex like that because you think it’s the only way you should have sex, and anything else is bad, then you’re preventing yourself from evolving sexually and reaching your sexual potential.

If the thought of something titillates you and would enlarge your spirit by doing it, then go ahead. Make the suggestion or request to your partner and don’t be shy. If you’re on the receiving end of the request or suggestion, be honest. If you fancy trying some light bondage for instance, suggest it. If your partner says no, or even “You’ve got to be joking!” then fine. But if it’s “Hmm, maybe ” then give it a go: put on those stilettos and little else, slowly peel off your stockings one by one and tie your partner to the bed, then force him to watch as you prance around (or slowly undo your tie or belt if you’re male and proceed as above)

Pushing your boundaries, owning your eroticism, is liberating. It frees you, allowing you both to surrender to the act.

It’s in the surrender that you find your way to heaven.

Download Audio: Pushing Boundaries

This is a practical activity to explore the polarities of giving and receiving, leading and following, from a place of equality.

Leading is Yang and giving is Yang. Following is Yin and receiving is Yin. When we combine these types of Yin and Yang we get four types of sexual expression: command, seduction, nurture/service and yielding.

Command is double yang as it is both leading and giving.
Yielding is double yin as it is both following and receiving.
Seduction is yin-yang as it is leading and receiving.
Nurture/Service is yin-yang as it is following and giving.

These four expressions have two polarities:

• The Seduction-Service polarity
• The Command-Yielding polarity

Exploring the Seduction-Service Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Seducer feels into the sense of being the leader and the receiver. They need to ‘draw’ the partner in energetically. When the Server feels the draw, they move towards the Seducer.

The Seducer will lead the Server to a location and then instruct the Server as what s/he would like done to themselves. A simple version of this is to ‘instruct the touch’ whereby the Seducer sits or lies down and quietly gives an on-going commentary requesting what they would like. Alternatively, you can ask for more complex pleasures (run me a bath, rub me with oil, undress me slowly, you undress slowly.)

Remember that the Seducer does this for mutual pleasure. The Server will want to do as the Seducer requests for their own pleasure as much as their partner’s. The Server does of course have the right to say no at any time.


Exploring the Command-Yielding Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Commander feels into the sense of being the leader and the giver. They need to ‘draw’ the partner in energetically. When the Yielder feels the draw, they move towards the Commander.

The Commander leads the Yielder to a place and proceeds to touch the Yielder for the Commander’s own pleasure. The Yielder simply offers their body for their partner’s pleasure. The simplest version is simply to touch with your hands, more complex versions are to add other implements, food, other sensory experiences.

Remember that the Commander does this for mutual pleasure. The Commander is creating an experience for the Yielder. The Yielder does of course have the right to give feedback or say stop at any time.

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

We’re talking extreme yang sex play here. Really unleashing the wild side and letting your most animalistic side take over. Rutting like wild cats. Biting, slapping, grasping hard, choking, seizing and pulling hair…

Rough sex takes an athlete’s devotion to physicality. You need strength, stamina, toughness, resilience. You have to be tough, both in the giving and receiving. You have to be physically robust to take rough sex. This robustness doesn’t have to be size, but the ability to flow with the activity, and the ability to absorb the energy of the activity and lose yourself in the pleasure of the passion.

You need to let go, get out of your head. Thinking your way into rough sex is as ineffective as thinking your way into gentle blissed-out sex.

Now, of course, there have to be limits. There have to rules of engagement. This is ravishment, not rape. So the first rule is consensual play. It takes two and if one doesn’t want to, for whatever reason, then there is no play, at least not this kind of play. Simple. There are plenty of other gorgeous sexual activities to engage in.

You need to pace yourself. You need to make sure that the ravishee in particular is good and warmed up. They need to be in a really heightened state of arousal, love-drunk to the max. Then their body becomes more pliable, and in that pliability more resilient.

The ravisher needs to pay attention to the ravishee’s responses. If it’s a little too strong, pull back in the intensity; if you feel you could go harder, ramp it up a bit. The ravishee needs to be in touch to modify the intensity if it’s too little or too much, there’s a subtle interplay between the two lovers as they are both reading and feeding back.

They’re both being open, both being vulnerable, both being real. They are both feeling and sharing their love. Engaging the heart is what takes rough sex from mere athleticism to something sublime, an intense opening of heart and body that is more akin to the divine.

When done well, it’s cathartic, through the feeling and through the vocal release. Grunts, groans, yells, snarls, cries and shrieks. You feel it, you let it out, you feel it more… You let the rapturous union consume you…