Sex advice, sex tips and relationship advice

#302: Transformational Erotica

Published Sunday, September 06, 2020

This piece of erotic fiction is the Creative Synthesis I wrote as part of the research dissertation for my Masters of Science degree in Consciousness, Spirituality and Transpersonal Psychology. The research topic was: A Heuristic Inquiry into the Transformative Potential of Optimal Sexuality within a Relational Context.

You'll find reading this erotic fiction an easy and enjoyable way of getting across the findings - which is essentially the essence of the overall approach in this blog...

You can also read two case studies of the research participants after the story.

F-Day Anniversary

Her:

You wake. It’s the eighth anniversary of F-Day – Freedom Day. The day you discovered your tedious husband was bonking one of the attendants at the golf club. You’ll never forget the feeling – first a numbness from the shock, then an incredible feeling of release. It was as though something woke up in your belly, in your womb, and slowly expanded throughout your body, awakening a joy, a release, an aliveness you hadn’t felt in years, if ever. You recall your surprise as it actually felt sexual, this feeling of your whole body being awake and alive. Nothing like the dutiful dull, late-night rutting of your husband relieving himself inside you – not that that happened much anymore, he seemed as jaded by it all as you; nor anything like the early years of youthful sleeping around because you were drunk, horny and it seemed like fun at the time. No, this felt like… I Am Woman! I Am Powerful! I Am Free!

These past eight years, really, it’s like a totally different life. Everything changed. You learned to meditate and continue to practice daily; you took up contact improv dancing and learned to express and connect; you got back into art in a way you hadn’t since you were teenager, when you’d stay back hours after school immersed in your passion…

It was at your first exhibition that you met the man now lying next to you. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight, but there was something about the ease with which he held himself, his genuine interest in you and your art, that led you to agree to meet for a drink, then dinner, then…. a marvelous journey of life and love together.

You roll over and nestle into him, feeling his warmth, his physicality. Six years on and it feels as new as it ever did. A world away from that old relationship, this is one is fully mutual, every aspect of it open to discussion, every aspect co-created. And the sex! You’d gone a little crazy after the separation, you wanted to discover and explore and yes, you had a lot of great experiences and learned a lot about yourself. But this, the depth of engagement, well, you’d always had a sense in the core of your being that it could be like this, but to experience it, over and over again, for it to get better and better…

You reflect on the night before, how you’d come to bed after a long but satisfying day in the studio, greeted by your smiling partner who had dimmed the lights and turned on music. Just walking into the bedroom felt like sanctuary, a place of peace. He’d had a restful day and was wanting to engage sexually. So tired, you thanked him for the offer, for his desire, expressing how in that moment you were just too tired. He offered instead to simply stroke your skin…

So softly, so lovingly, you feel yourself letting go, the thoughts of the day settling, in their place a feeling of calm and peace, while your body softens and opens. His caresses cover your whole torso, arms, breasts, belly, passing between your legs, gently, softly, lightly.

“Mmm, come inside”. No more is needed, you are ready to invite him in, to let him enter you, to embrace him on the inside. The entry is gentle, slow. Legs wrapped around him, arms too, you both rest on full entry, feeling into the intimacy of the connection, closer than is ever possible. Your whole body is awake, alight, small tremors of bliss running through your body.

He rolls you over. You feel his weight. It is both comforting and erotic. You turn your head to watch the reflection in the mirror. In the dim light you admire the curves of his body, his buttocks moving in, and out, feeling the tension of your arched pelvis, your whole being awash in deliciousness. He reaches around to touch your clit, no, you brush his hand away, that would be too focused, take you away from the bliss state you’re in…

You smile as you recall how it was so lovely yet you were so tired you started to fall asleep. So, you both stopped. He too was in a state of bliss and didn’t need to climax. You can’t quite remember, but you think you fell asleep with him still inside you.

Him:

You wake as you feel your partner stir and nestle her body into yours, you raise a gentle smile as her hand rests on your sleeping penis. It’s soothing. You breathe into the feeling, grateful for her tenderness, her love, her strength. You know it is F-Day for her, she might speak lightly of it, but you know how hard it was and what courage it took for her to turn her life around and to explore and grow so much. You are so grateful. After so many years of holding on to the dream that one day you would meet a woman who could truly be your partner, finally you did. After years of needy women, narcissistic women, unavailable women, women more interested in your bank balance or your sperm than you as a person, after years of personal and spiritual development, you did indeed meet the love of your life. You don’t know whether it was simply chance or some push from forces unknown that led you to cut through a little laneway that evening and so pass by a tiny art gallery that had people spilling out onto the pavement, laughing and chatting as they drank champagne. You’re not sure why you went into the gallery, yet you did, and met the artist, a petite woman, as tiny as the gallery she was exhibiting in, but with a radiance that belied her size and drew you in… and which led to now, a relationship that isn’t easy - she can be fiery and you fixedly stubborn, you actually agreed to couples therapy and attending a retreat early on to learn how to relate well – but that has such ease. There’s a sense of being known and accepted and truly loved.

And the sex! Your penis stirs, thickening a little at the thought. Your mind drifts back to a weekend in the mountains a month ago…

You have tied her to the bed. Intricate crochet runs up each leg, her torso, around her arms stretched to the bedhead. You are the artist, and she the art. The creativity, the sensuality of the rope, her skin, the ever so slow pace of looping the rope into knots, sensing her shift into a deeper and deeper state of letting go, your own state of flow, creates such a deep erotic charge. In a rustic cabin with wide windows overlooking the forest, it feels primal, extraordinarily arousing. You’d been surprised when she first mentioned her desire for this, not long after you met. At first wary - you were no macho domineering male – with lots of discussion you realised that it had nothing to do with power, and everything to do with sensuality, connection, expression. You even went to rope school to learn more! This openness, this sharing, is what makes this relationship so right, it’s all on the table - your desires, your fears. You’ve never been with a woman who you could trust enough to be so vulnerable and so open.

You lose track of time. You’re aware that the sky through the windows changes from blue to pink to indigo, yet there is just an intense experience of now. Your awareness moves from your inner physicality, to your combined physicality, to a sense of merging with all around you. At times you sense other beings in the space, it seems odd, but it feels like Bacchus is sitting beatifically in the corner watching you, a huge smiling horned Buddha. You feel blessed.

You can totally let go. You don’t have to be responsible for her – you already know her pleasures from all your discussions, and most importantly, you know she’s responsible for herself so will let you know in the moment if there is anything she wants or doesn’t like. No mind-reading! Such freedom! You find you can simply flow with the experience, your mind still, your body engaged, your heart open and your soul alive. You love all the ways she responds: periods of heightened ecstatic state, localised clitoral explosions, waves of orgasm where pleasure flows through her whole body bringing on shudders and shakes. You feel these too, allowing the pleasure to flow in your body and only choosing ejaculatory orgasm once you know the encounter is ending, releasing expansively as her final wave of orgasm crests.

You still feel the heightened awareness throughout the next day as you hike through the forest, your senses more aware, the air fresher, the bird calls clearer, the vegetation lusher, the awareness of her presence walking next to you more vibrant…

Them:

Your reflections of these recent encounters leave you reflecting on how the feeling of love and bliss that arises in your sexual union permeates the whole of life. It is so joyful. You feel more alive than ever, more grateful for existence than ever. Everything is heightened – from the flavours of breakfast that you have together every morning, through to your work and your play. You feel more confident, more engaged with life. It’s easy to be your true self, and you notice that this has a positive effect on others. It feels easy to give back to the world as you are receiving so much within your own small part of it. Each sexual encounter is cleansing and purifying, releasing a sexual energy which refreshes and rejuvenates you throughout the rest of life.

“Mmm” you groan in pleasure at the thought. You pull yourselves away from your reveries to face each other. You lean forward and take in the smell of your partner’s face, the musky scent of their skin. You taste them as your lips and tongue touch your beloved’s eyes, brow, nose, cheeks, ears and chin, their lips and tongue. Then, you merge into each other.

Eyes closed, you are hovering in ecstasy as the rhythm of your bodies goes on and on. You feel the tingling waves of energy, low guttural growls emerging from deep in your body. You open your eyes and see your beloved looking at you, seeing into you. Your eyes are locked as you release the orgasm, riding the wave of pleasure together.

Ripples of deliciousness continue to dance through your bodies as you roll apart and lie next to each other. Then you laugh, and laugh, a full-on giggle-gasm, your bodies soft, your hearts open and your souls cleansed.

And so, another day living in the richness and sweetness of Eros energy begins…

Two Case Studies

Penny & Pat

Penny and Pat are in their mid-50s, have been together for 28 years and have three adult children.

They say: “We have a great sex life, which includes great sex and average sex and adequate sex and fantastic sex”, “… and ‘meh’ sex sometimes”, yet “…the overall sense of sex as part of our relationship is fantastic”.

In terms of the eight criteria of optimal sexuality:

Presence. “It’s really important” to be present. They are conscious of any spectatoring tendency and have learned to bring themselves back to the present, so that the sexual encounter becomes “meditative”.

Emotional Connection. Their connection “permeates life in general…we’re very in sync”. In terms of sex “we just seem to come together and there’s a flow to it”.

Erotic Intimacy. Deep, sexual or erotic intimacy? “Yeah, we definitely have that. 100%.” “There are no barriers…we’re absolutely together…There’s nothing we haven’t told each other.

Communication. They feel they “have fantastic communication. Very open. Very honest. Very immediate.” Penny notes that “communication has been the foundation and that absolutely came before optimal sexuality”, and states their mutual feeling that “communication is transformational.”

Risk-taking. This has been a big part of their sexual journey together, which they put down to “being able to share, and know it’s going to be shared in a safe space”. The sharing of their desires, on both sides, has led to major shifts and growth in openness and their ability to take risks that are “challenging”, “way out of [our] comfort zone”, yet which “felt very safe in terms of our relationship”.

Authenticity. “I can’t not [be]. I don’t have another mode. This is it.” Although there are compromises at times, this is “conscious compromise and lovingly made.

Vulnerability. They both admitted that vulnerability has been and continues to be a process, both sexually and in relationship in general. Pat acknowledged that: “To give in completely, to let go is quite challenging but when it does happen, there’s more likely to be a transcendental experience… and a higher peak orgasm.” Penny admitted: “I think I could revel more…allowing my body to feel those sensations enough to be swept away in the next stage”.

Transcendence. They laughingly commented that they lose time so completely that they have to set an alarm! Penny strongly related to transcendent bliss after a sexual encounter, including lots of laughter. Pat related to the concept in terms of: “losing yourself in space and time”.<

Their Journey

There have been two pivotal points in their sexual journey, the first a five-year period of positive opening, starting around 15 years ago, and the second a three-year crisis period starting around seven years ago.

They have always had a good relationship and been great friends, although there was “a long period where our sex life was fairly normal in terms of frequency and bits of guilt and not being satisfied or not quite having it as often as you’d like”.

Fifteen years into the relationship “that shifted big time when we started exploring, first in our fantasies [about] playing with other people and then in reality, and that was a massive change”.
They had a jewellery business and brought out a range of erotic jewellery, which took them to erotic trade shows. In that sexually charged environment they started sharing fantasies. Penny had erotic photos taken of her, which “was transformative…the start of the real shift where we connected [and] started developing these shared fantasies”. Pat stresses: “we were coming from a very secure place…so we were able to stand our ground and go against society norms”.

Part of that change was for Pat to explore the shadow side of his erotic arousal: “I’d shut it down and closed it off and didn’t want to go there because it just wasn’t ‘normal’”. Acknowledging his desire to see Penny with another man “ignited a real powerful erotic charge”.

This shift took place over five years, at the end of which they closed their jewellery business, freeing them from stress, and they started acting on their fantasies. Going to a swinging party in 2010 “was a massive unleashing” of emotional openness and joint exploratory freedom. Planning and discussing their desires became “very much part of our consciousness… it heightened everything”.

Six years ago, there were three difficult years of deaths and illnesses in the family, during which time Penny was feeling depressed and miserable. Pat was studying counselling, going on a self-development journey and getting stronger, while Penny was struggling and feeling jealous. When Pat was diagnosed with prostate cancer and given six months to live the shock shifted Penny out of her stuck state. They went on a Tantra retreat after his operation, in part out of fear that Pat wouldn’t be able to maintain erections (which turned out not to be the case), which got them back on track sexually and relationally.


Their Experience of Transformation

Confidence is the biggest change they’ve both noticed. While they assert that it’s hard to separate out sexual from personal and relational growth, “the sexual thing has definitely contributed to our connection, our joy, our satisfaction, our bliss, our sense of safety”.

They feel strongly that sex is not just the act, it’s “absolutely joyful connection” It is something that “permeates through all of [life]…it weaves its way through”. There is a great comfort between them, “bliss is found in the smallest moments” yet they are both very mindful of the comfort they have not becoming boring or mundane and so extinguishing the sexuality. As Pat points out: "There’s still a separateness, with that erotic charge...I haven’t lost sight that Penny is an erotic being and remains a sexual being despite it sounding quite comfortable.”.

The swinging element is a vital part of their sexual relationship, but always as a joint activity: “The fantasy exploration is so completely about each other, and enjoying the pleasure of each other with another…is also both high and deep” , highlighting that in fact “often the deepest bit of it comes at the end of the night, when we are just back together as the two of us.”

When asked if they feel that their heightened connection and strong relationship has a positive impact on other people/couples? Penny replied yes: “I have a very deep-rooted positivity and optimism which I think rubs off on others”.

In closing the interview, they wanted to stress how “freedom is a massive element of this”. They are intentionally not married: “for us having a ground of commitment and security and everything else but within also a sense of freedom, there’s not obligation. I think that enhances our experience... That’s really important.” Pat agrees, adding that this freedom is “a state of mind”.



Corinne & Andreas

Corinne and Andreas are in their mid-50s, have been together for five years and married for one. Andreas has two teenage children who don’t live with them.

They both had long marriages with limited sexuality. They both explored after their marriages ended, with Corinne having more experiences than Andreas when they met. They met at a kink workshop and their relationship started on that basis before becoming romantic. In the past two years their sexual relating has become less fantasy-based and more embodied, which they find much deeper and connecting than before.

They describe their sex life as “getting better every single time. It just keeps growing.”, and “it’s now more and more integrated into our ongoing relationship and everyday lives”, “it’s just been the best thing in my life really”.

In terms of the eight criteria of optimal sexuality:

Presence. They both state presence as being vital: “it’s the most important thing to be present, otherwise forget it” , while admitting to their tendency for the mind to wander. They are usually able to become present again, by focusing on breathing. Corinne says: “I work on being 100% present. If I’m not, then it’s a deal breaker for me.”

Emotional Connection. Andreas describes their connection as: “a very constant thing. It’s always just bubbling along in the background… I can feel your energy, particularly in bed but just generally. Even when we’re apart I can still feel the energy… It’s just there and part of life now.” They put this down in part to their emotional comfort with each other. They also prioritise date night once a week, it’s “an imperative… The most important day of the week”, which Andreas adds is “fantastic and something to look forward to every week and plan”.

Erotic Intimacy.  Andreas comments that “The intensity is always there, and the excitement”. Corinne agrees, adding: “I didn’t know it could get better. And it just did.” She finds that even “Vanilla sex is very exciting – you just focus on this beautiful body and devour him!” They both find that their longer Sunday morning sessions are deeper, slower, more relaxed, open-ended and so are “more erotic and much more fulfilling” – a “different state of mind”, which has led Corinne to become multi-orgasmic. Corinne used to be self-conscious about her body but now feels free and embodied and expressive.

Communication. They communicate verbally, emotionally and physically. Andreas feels he’s sensitive to Corinne’s body. Openness has grown, particularly with Andreas, although they acknowledge there is further to go in this respect. They feel that “our physical connection really is our biggest communication skill…It’s a really comfortable space. It’s a very safe space.

Risk-taking.Absolutely!” Andreas feels grateful that Corinne had already started on the journey: “well, I had too, kind of, but you were charging so I just jumped on the train! …The last five years have been incredible!” Corinne feels that “knowledge is the key to …getting into the more risk-taking and being less judgemental”. This enabled her to change her view of sex and engage quite differently, learning breathing and focusing, that you can touch without having to have intercourse, that’s “it’s ok to just hold my man’s penis”. Andreas agrees: “I’m very comfortable with risk…so it’s been great meeting someone who matches [me] on that…so we’ve been very open to learning and being adventurous”.

Authenticity. Authenticity is so much part of them and their sexuality that Corinne simply said: “100%” when asked about authenticity, with Andreas adding “it’s…who we are”.

Vulnerability. Andreas acknowledges that vulnerability is “certainly something I’ve been learning over the past couple of years and the importance and benefit of it”. This has helped the sex and the sex has helped his vulnerability. He says “this is the first relationship where I’ve felt the trust to be able to be vulnerable”. They’ve learned to be vulnerable outside the bedroom, to have difficult conversations, and that has translated into more vulnerability in the bedroom. They feel the kinaesthetic elements, the touch and their cuddliness, helps them be more vulnerable.

Transcendence. They highlight how the transcendent element of their sexuality is linked to safety, letting go, openness and timelessness. Corinne explains “I have very deep sexual experience, I become multi-orgasmic…that to me is really transformative because that to me is letting go 100%”. This is in part because “I feel incredibly at peace in our bed. It’s just the safest place in the world”, and “If Andreas touches me sometimes now, I just go, oh that’s it, I’m on.” For Andreas: “it’s that transcendental thing and the openness and the space and the timelessness and just being in another realm really”, which he adds is more likely during their longer Sunday morning sessions.


Their Journey

For Andreas it has been an ongoing journey of self-discovery from his 20s. Since meeting Corinne, that journey has included his sexuality.

Corinne didn’t like sex with her ex-husband. Three pivotal points happened: they couldn’t have kids, she had to have a hysterectomy and her husband left her for another woman. Then she became very sexually aroused! She did a women’s sexuality workshop with the author, saw a male escort, and then met Andreas in the kink scene: “I was not open sexually until I met [Andreas], and then I just did everything and anything. We engaged in all sorts of stuff. No hesitation.

In reflecting on their sexuality over their relationship, in the first three years they thought they had great sex, which they did, but now it is so much better – and keeps getting better! The early years were great in exploring the breadth of sexuality, now they are finding the quality of the experience is much more about depth.

They are not interested in any form of non-monogamy unless with a paid professional (which they have done once with a dominatrix).

They have both had therapy, attended workshops and retreats. They stay very fit, and have learned breathing and mindfulness techniques. They both feel that sex is “integrated with spirituality”, that “it’s a very spiritual journey”.

In terms of what has most contributed to their sexual growth: 

Andreas: “Everything really!” 

Corinne: “The vulnerability factor”.

Andreas: “Communicating”.

Corinne: “Being supportive…that creates more playtime.”

Corinne: “We work really well together…there’s a genuine self-interest as well as interest for the other person…that just creates harmony.”

Andreas: “Yeah…it helps bind us together but it also makes our relationship impervious.


Their Experience of Transformation

Andreas says “I’m just happy now”, “much more confident, no-one bothers me anymore”. Corinne agrees: “He’s always smiling…he really is happy, he’s very content”. 

Corinne also feels “I’m more relaxed and happier as a person”. Andreas adds that she is more direct and owns what she wants.

They feel: “We’re very strong together but strong apart”, and stress that “it’s a work in progress all the time”. Andreas speaks for both of them when he says “I am completely invested”.


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#301: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice

Published Sunday, August 23, 2020


Mindfulness is a good thing. From scientific research to the personal experience of increasing numbers of people, there is proof of so many benefits from practicing mindfulness in life – better health, calmer, more self-aware, more engaged with life.

There’s also been more research on sex and mindfulness, although the focus tends to be on how mindfulness practices can make sex better. I’m just as interested in how sex itself can be a mindfulness practice.

So, what are mindfulness practices? We tend to associate mindfulness with solo, sedentary practices such as meditation, prayer and contemplation. And yes, these are great ways to practice mindfulness, to learn to still the mind, relax the body and even have experiences of oneness with the universe. Ideally these practices will also be embodied, so that you are really present and aware of your body, as much as stilling the mind. I tend to think of this as ‘bodyfulness’ as much as ‘mindfulness’.

While you can practice embodied mindfulness in seated positions, more obviously embodiment-focused are the movement-based mindfulness practices. These practices involve movement, such as tai chi and yoga, which have additional benefits of being kinaesthetic, proprioceptive, tactile, spacial and interoceptive (when practiced with focus not just as a physical experience).

And then there are partnered movement-based embodied mindfulness practices, such as some of the martial arts and dance, which can be even more beneficial. One study which compared the benefits of meditation, exercise and Argentine Tango, found that Tango induced a broader and more persistent range of benefits than either meditation or exercise. The researchers attributed these benefits to the fact that Tango requires, and develops: acceptance, trust, absolute attention, and awareness of the moment, in a safe environment.

I haven’t seen any similar studies on sex, but being both a practitioner of Tango and sex, particularly Tantric sex, I can attest that there are a lot of similarities. But not just any sex. The linear process of fantasy-based genital-focused sex can be fun and highly satisfying, but not necessarily mindful. To be mindful, the participants need to be present within themselves and attuned to each other, creating a state of enhanced connectivity called resonance.

To do this you need to take the time to connect, to sink in and sync in (sink in to yourself to sync in with your partner). You can do this with an eye gaze, breathing together, through sensual touch, undressing each other, or even with a conversation.

Then let go of any expectation that the experience needs to be a certain way. Take a non-linear approach and let the encounter unfold in a moment-by-moment co-creation. Feel into your body, feel how it interacts with and responds to your partner. Allow feelings and sensations to permeate the whole of your body. Be attuned to subtle sensation. Allow your mind to be embodied, one with your body, observing, experiencing.

Experience the mindfulness within and between. Then see how this transforms your experience of sex, and quite possibly, of life.


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#301: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice

Published Sunday, August 23, 2020

Download Audio: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice

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#300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…

Published Sunday, August 09, 2020


There are so many different ways to eat – all the way from a quick snack through to a fancy multi-course dinner. It’s the same with sex, which is why I use so many food analogies when I’m talking about sex.

I was doing this with a couple of clients recently. They’re a really fun-loving couple, upbeat and lively in most parts of life – but not the bedroom. Instead of the lightness that was in the rest of their connection, bedroom matters had become heavy and hard, and pretty non-existent. After several sessions of helping them identify and share their feelings and desires around sex, with loads of food analogies along the way, they came in to session with big smiles on their faces.

“We had sex three times!” the wife exclaimed. “We had roast dinner…” “And some cheese on toast…” added the husband, “And even an open sandwich!” finished the wife.

They’d really taken on board the food analogy concept and were using it not only to help with their sexual communication, but to make it fun as well. One evening she’d had a lovely time on her own relaxing and getting in the mood for some loving, then texted him to invite him up to the bedroom for “roast dinner” – a long, involved and by all accounts very enjoyable sexual encounter. Another time he suggested some “cheese on toast” during their lunchbreak (the benefits of both working from home during the pandemic!). And on the third occasion she’d suggested a quick ‘cheese on toast’ before they got up in the morning. He responded by pulling her on top of him and saying he’d prefer ‘an open sandwich’ – her on top!

That was such a good story I asked if I could share it with my readers and they said of course. So here you go, maybe it will inspire you in your own ‘culinary’ exploits…

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#298: Teenage Love-Making

Published Sunday, July 12, 2020


My teenage son came to me the other day and proudly declared that out of all his mates, he’s the only one who has made love.

Once I got over the initial shock of him being so open with me – even though all three of my children are really open about their sexuality, since I’ve brought them up that way, it still surprises me as I could never have been that open with my parents – I asked him if he meant that his friends haven’t had sex yet.

“No, Mum,” he clarified “they’re having sex, but it’s just that boring teenage sex. Me and Kate, we really make love.” He had a big, satisfied smile on his face.

“So, what’s the difference between regular sex and love-making?” I asked.

“Oh, Mum, we spend ages making out first. Then only when we’re like, really really into it, that’s when we have sex. And we do it really slowly and it feels sooo good and we can just go on and on for ages. You know, it’s all that stuff you told me makes it good. And some other stuff we’ve, you know, found out ourselves. Kate just goes into this zone and it’s really good. Yeah, none of my mates do it like that.”

Why am I sharing this (with his, slightly reluctant, permission)? A couple of reasons.

Firstly, to show that having an open dialogue with your kids is so beneficial in helping them have a quality, life-enhancing sex life. If you don’t, they’re going to get their sexual inspiration from porn, and they’re not going to learn about quality sex from that medium.

And secondly, we often think that young people, particularly young testosterone-fuelled men, have to have hard and fast sex and it’s only later that we can develop a softer, more loving sexual style – and that’s if you even believe that sex can evolve in this way, for a lot of people the belief is that it’s hard and fast when you’re young and then it dwindles to nothing. But as my son shows, and his older brother is the same, teenagers can ‘make love’ too.

Now to put those two points together, young people can have quality sex, they can ‘make love’, and it helps if their parents are open to guiding them in discovering that. But of course, to have that quality of communication with your children, you need to be comfortable with your own sexuality first. So, it’s good you’re reading my blog! Because for most of us there’s a lot of growth in self-awareness and understanding to be done to be able to engage with sexuality in such a normal, natural way – no negative emotions of shame, guilt, fear, disgust, embarrassment, frustration, resentment, etc; instead, just feelings of goodness, pleasure, safety, trust, joy, freedom and, yes, love.

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#297: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It's My Life's Work!

Published Sunday, June 28, 2020



Take a group of couples who love each other, put them in a beautiful environment with no distractions, teach them to connect more deeply, inspire them to explore and play, and what do you get…?

Well, as one man who attended one of my couples retreats put it:

"I thought this retreat would expand our sex life, but it didn’t so much expand as turn our sex life upside down! I’m now seeing the world with a new, exciting, slightly bewildering light.”

It’s hard to explain that to someone before they’ve experienced it. “What do you do?” people ask me. My answer could indeed be: “I turn people’s sex lives upside down.”

You see, when you are able to be very present in your body you can connect more deeply with your partner, you can become more intuitive in your relating, and you open to subtlety of sensation and the calm, full, ecstatic feelings that engenders - and that means more connection, more feeling, and more fun!

In the retreats I teach centredness, presence and mindfulness as the basis, then from there we explore the concepts of connection, energy and sensation - and voila! The combination opens people up to experiences that are so much more than the standard genital friction we consider sex in mainstream thought. As I always say, there’s nothing wrong with a good bit of genital friction, the point is that there is so much more.

People are always coming to me saying “there’s got to be more to this sex thing”, their routine sex just isn’t doing it for them, and they’re not getting much inspiration from what tends to be superficial, sleazy portrayal of ‘good sex’ that’s out there. Most people I encounter have either been turned off or have tried it and come away emptier.

Another man at a retreat put it well:

“We were looking for something, but we didn’t know what it was. Now we do. It’s an intriguing, intangible thing and we’ve found it. Thank-you."

That’s what I do: I turn sex lives upside-down, inside-out and open them up to the wondrous possibilities that is human sexual potential.



Come and experience this for yourselves at one of my wonderful Couples Retreats: three days in the Blue Moutains near Sydney or five days in Bali!






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#295: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?

Published Sunday, May 31, 2020


How do you describe the act of intercourse? Do you call it ‘penetrative sex’? If you do, which wouldn’t be surprising as it’s such a common term, have you ever thought about what the word actually means and symbolises?

Penetration means ‘breaking through resistance’. Which might have applied to sex in the bad old days when a wife was supposed to just submit to her husband whether she wanted to or not, so it may well have been an act of breaking through resistance. But now, in 2020, do we really want to think of sex as an aggressive act?

Worse still, the term ‘penetrative sex’ gives agency to the ‘penetrator’ - the man - who does it to a resistant, or at least passive, recipient – the woman.

Is this really the concept of intercourse we want to be perpetrating these days – that it’s something done to a woman by a man? Of course not, yet we still use the term.

Now you might say it’s just a word and it’s not meant in that way. But words have power. Think of the difference between ‘penetrative sex’ and ‘invitational sex’ or ‘envelopment sex’. Don’t the last two terms feel softer, welcoming, and give equal or more agency to the woman. When you hear those terms, your body softens and opens, as opposed to the word penetration, which makes the body contract.

I’ve had women with vaginismus (a condition of tight pelvic muscles which prevent the penis, or even fingers or tampons, entering the vagina) recover simply by changing the language they use for sex. Rather than conceptualising it as something done to them, they realise that it is something they invite when they are ready and that the act is one of them enveloping and holding their partner’s penis with their vagina. They have agency. It sounds much more equal and so much more pleasurable that way. Their bodies relax and their faces open up with smiles of delight when they realise how their language has led to an attitude that is counterproductive to the experience they want, and how it can be changed so simply.

So, what else can we call it? Intercourse is a fairly dry term, but definitely useful in clinical and medical settings, I’d much rather we use that term in those situations, rather than ‘penetrative sex’. (I feel I’m on a one-woman crusade trying to change the language of my profession.) It’s a bit dry for personal use though, so what else do we have? Fucking, shagging, bonking are more casual, sometimes a bit crude depending on the mood. Making love is good, but sometimes too romantic…

I like to call it PIV: penis in vagina. So, I tell women, when you’re ready for some PIV, invite him in and give his penis a good cuddle with your vagina. Or as a participant in a recent couples retreat said – VEP: vagina enveloping penis.

Whether you prefer PIVving or VEPping, they are light-hearted neutral terms that lack the baggage of patriarchy and aren’t too soft and romantic or too direct and crude, and they say it like it is – two sets of genitals joining together.

So, are you in the mood for a bit of PIV? Do you fancy some VEPping tonight…?


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#295: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?

Published Sunday, May 31, 2020

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#293: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up

Published Sunday, April 26, 2020

Download Audio: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up

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#293: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up

Published Sunday, April 26, 2020


After a couple of really full and busy years, I had hoped 2020 would be slower paced, but I wasn’t expecting it to be like this! With the bushfires at the start of the year there was no annual beach holiday to refresh and recuperate, so I thought a ‘stay-cation’ would be good as I could potter at home and get the house and garden looking good (when it wasn’t too smoky to go outside that is). And…I’m still pottering at home. The house and garden are looking amazing! I am fortunate than I can still get out of the house go to my clinic to see clients, mostly online.

It is interesting to see how clients are reacting to the pandemic restrictions. There are couples who are finding that spending more time together is solving their problems as what they mostly needed was more downtime together. Others are finding the forced time together is highlighting and exacerbating existing problems, bringing their troubles to the fore and forcing them to address them. Some single clients are withdrawing from the world while others are reaching out and finding that the longer ‘dating’ required at this time means they are forming better quality connections.

For me, at the start of the pandemic, like so many others I dropped into ‘production’ mode. What more could I offer, how could I help people more, what myriad of online course could I create to support others? Then I was hit with overwhelming tiredness. I didn’t want to do ‘more’, I actually wanted to do less.

It’s surprising how tiring this is. I was just reading an article about how for most neurotypical people (those not on the autism spectrum) spending hours in on-line meetings is much more mentally tiring than in-person. The reason for this is that you can’t get all the cues we normally get when in the presence of someone, so your brain is working much harder to find them and to interpret without them.

That was a relief for me as I’m finding doing session after session staring at the screen really exhausting. When I get a rare client come in person it’s an amazing relief. I feel my whole being react differently than if they are online. Technology and the ability to work online is a blessing these days, but understand too how challenging it can be.

But I feel the tiredness is more than that. The pace and intensity of life has become so great of late. Everyone is so busy, there is always so much to do. We live life focused on what we are doing rather than what we are experiencing, as if we are Human Doings rather than Human Beings. We live life from the outside in, rather than from the inside out.

It’s time to let our souls catch up. I’ve been letting mine catch up, which is why I haven’t sent out a newsletter for over a month. I'm accepting that what I do is enough. Sure, I could offer more, and I probably will offer more, but for now, let’s go at a pace that nourishes me.

There has been a movement of ‘slow’ and ‘simple’ over the past few decades. Slow cooking, decluttering and, my particular interest, slow loving.

My research in optimal sexuality (which I have been doing very slowly of late!) is showing that the best sex in long-term relationships is slow, couples with optimal sexuality take their time to really feel into the lovemaking, to allow their minds to still, their bodies to soften and their hearts to open. It also tends to be quite simple. While couples who have this optimal sexuality generally are open-minded and have a broad repertoire of sexual possibilities, they find that they prefer depth over breadth and that depth doesn’t necessarily require a lot of variety.

This approach gets you into a state of embodied mindfulness, one where you are really present to what you are experiencing. As a client said recently: “It’s revelling, luxuriating within my body.” From this space, there is so much ease and contentment that the simple joys are heightened. It's as though you really are experiencing life with body and soul. Experiencing this in lovemaking (solo as well as partnered) flows out into the rest of life (and vice versa), so that the whole of life is felt more richly, more soulfully.

As I sit here writing this in my pyjamas, enjoying my first cup of tea of the day in my beautiful garden, I do feel the deliciousness of this current moment. My soul is well and truly present. It has caught up and it is loving being back.


Let yours settle back in too. Experience rather than do. Live life, love life, from the inside out.

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#376: What is Transpersonal Sexology
#366: The Seven Flavours of Sex
#365: Live in the "Simmer Zone"
#364: Suggest Don't Ask
#363: Take the Pressure Off Your Penis!
#362: Don't Let Your Primitive Brain Rule Your Relationship
#361: Great Sex is Not About Speed
#360: Sexual KPIs - Key Pleasure Indicators
#359: Your Relationship is Like a Boat that Carries you through Life
#358: Talk 'Erotic' Not 'Dirty'
#357: Great Sex is Rarely Spontaneous
#356: Approaching Sex As A Spiritual Practice
#355: You're Not Alone - Sexual Struggle is Normal
#354: Let Nature Boost Your Libido
#353: Invite and Envelop
#352: A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
#351: How to 'Start the Dominos Falling'
#350: Move Towards Love-Led not Lust-Led Sex
#349: The Yin & Yang of Erotic Physiology
#348: Sex Should Age Like A Fine Wine
#347: We All Need To “Come Out” To Our Unique Sexuality
#346: Burn Away the Undergrowth to Allow New Growth
#345: Don't Push a Relationship to Crisis Point, End It Sooner
#344: When It Gets Awkward in Bed
#343: It's Normal to Find Other People Attractive
#342: The Dance of Initiation
#341: We All Need A Phone Policy!
#340: What Comes Before Consent
#339: More than Sex-Positive, We Need to be Sex-Comfortable
#338: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill!
#337: You Can't Search for Love. It's Already There. You Can Only Remove the Barriers to Let It In
#336: How to Communicate Complaints Effectively
#335: Nurture Your Soul with Sex
#334: How to Express Your Emotions Without Being "Emotional"
#333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?
#332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
#331: It's OK to Disappoint Your Partner
#330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
#329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
#328: Safety is Sexy
#327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
#326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
#325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curious
#324: How Alike do You Need to be to Have a Good Relationship
#323: Be "At Home" in Your Body
#322: Don't Ever Stop Kissing
#321: Consent From the Inside
#320: How to Say No Without It Feeling Like Rejection
#319: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 3: Sexual Transformation
#318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
#317: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 1: Personal Transformation
#316: Take Your Partner Off A Sexual Pedestal
#315: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other
#314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
#313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
#312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
#311: The Bridgerton Effect
#310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
#309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
#308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
#307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In-the-moment and the Debrief
#306: What I Desire
#305: Lazy Sex
#304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect - It's Human!
#303: The Art of the Thrust
#302: Transformational Erotica
#301: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice
#300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…
#299: Date Night or Date Day?
#298: Teenage Love-Making
#297: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It's My Life's Work!
#296: The Sex Store in Your Pantry
#295: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?
#294: Take Your Penis for a Walk!
#293: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up
#292: Become a Sensual Explorer
#291: Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me
#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex
#289: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana
#288: Love in the Time of COVID-19
#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried
#286: Meditate Your Way to Great Sex
#285: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Like Kissing - what to do?
#284: Communing - deep intimate connection
#283: Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?
#282: On Being A Human in a Female Body
#281: Q&A: How Do We Connect After So Much Stress?
#280: Get A Life! Your Sex Drive Needs the Dopamine
#279: Q&A: My Husband Is Having An Affair and I'm Relieved
#278: Stocking Up Your Love Larder - the key to spontaneous sex
#277: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?
#276: Intercourse as Foreplay
#275: Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex
#274: Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It - the foundation of great sex
#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?
#272: How Has Sex Helped You Grow - Research Participants Wanted!
#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage
#270: Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential
#269: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?
#268: It's the Sum of the Small Things
#267: Q&A: How Do We Reignite Our Love Life
#266: Relationship Vitamins
#265: I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well
#264: The Pleasure of A Soft Cock
#263: Make Every Stroke Count
#262: You Can Make Love With Just A Kiss
#261: Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex
#260: How to Stay In Love
#259: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 2: How
#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 1: What
#257: Simple Sex is Good Sex
#256: Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
#255: Own the Crone
#254: Porn Star versus Prude
#253: “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex
#251: Make Your Bedroom A Sanctuary
#250: Sexy Debriefing
#249: Getting "Love Drunk"
#248: Make-Over Your Sex Life
#247: Be Real, Express Freely
#246: The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
#245: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
#244: Gigglegasms
#243: Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
#242: Getting to Sex can be Like Getting to the Gym
#241: Intensity Repels, Enticement Attracts. Like Chocolate Cake.
#240: Turn Yourself On and the World Turns On To You
#239: Therapy is Composting Your Sh*t
#238: Are You Flat-lining or Surfing in Life?
#237: How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Sex & Relationships
#236: The Clitoris is Not an On-Off Button
#235: The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution
#234: Allow Self-Indulgence
#233: Are You Relationship-Oriented?
#232: Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex
#231: A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities
#230: Sink In to Sync In
#229: Penises - does size really matter?
#228: What To Do When He Can't Come
#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex
#226: Merge Sex & Love Energies for Potent Connection
#225: Sex is a Normal Part of Life
#224: We Judge ‘Normal’ Sex Based on Our Own Experiences
#223: How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways...
#222: Project 'Great Sex'
#221: Beforeplay Suggestions
#220: Foreplay and Beforeplay
#219: How to Heighten Sensory Pleasure
#218: The Bedroom is for Expression, Not Suppression
#217: The Three Types of Sex All Couples Need
#216: Things that make you go 'mmm' and things that make you go 'ngh'
#215: Libido - the Interplay of Desire and Arousal
#214: The Good and Bad of Porn
#213: Bad Communication Styles - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
#212: My Journey to Becoming A Transpersonal Sexologist
#211: Seven Sex Tips for Busy People
#210: Penises Love A Soft Touch
#209: Share Before You Fix
#208: The Best Thing A Father Can Do
#207: The Exquisiteness of a Relaxed Vagina
#206: The Look of Love - Eye-Gazing
#205: Quanta of Deliciousness
#204: How to Maintain the “Mmm-Factor”
#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love
#202: Seven Benefits of Attending A LoveLife Couples Tantra Retreat
#201: Make Sex Your Hobby
#200: Partnered Sex is Not Solo Sex for Two
#199: Melting Moments
#198: Your Partner Can't Be Everything To You
#197: Sex is Good, Sleep is Better!
#196: Savour Sex
#195: How To Live A Tantric Life
#194: Be Kind - It Works
#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries
#192: Good Rest=Good Sex
#191: We Need Bliss
#190: Being Sexually Receptive is Not Being Sexually Passive
#189: So Much Love
#188: A High-Quality Relationship is a High-Maintenance Relationship
#187: Sex as Spiritual Practice
#186: Playing with the Yin and Yang of Sex
#185: The Yin and Yang of Sex
#184: Third Level Love-Making
#183: Vive La Difference!
#182: What Is a Marriage Sabbatical and Why Take One?
#181: The Basic Sexual Unit is One
#180: A Penis is for Connection, not Penetration
#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'
#178: Big Sex is Beautiful Sex
#177: Women Are Not 'Naturally' Monogamous
#176: Sex Therapy and Couples Retreats - What to do if you have a Reluctant Partner
#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex
#174: Mums and Dads Need "Cuddle Time"
#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner
#172: Is Porn Making Women Less Feminine?
#171: Is Porn Making Men Less Masculine?
#170: Rough Sex
#169: The Three Pillars of Love
#168: Seven Benefits of Attending My Couples Retreats
#167: Ban Penetration - the word, not the act!
#166: Solo Cultivation - Mindful Masturbation for Men
#165: Our Bodies Thrive on Pleasure
#164: Leela: Cosmic Play, Sexual Play
#163: Toys for Grown-Ups
#162: Backdoor Pleasures - how to enjoy anal sex
#161: The Sexual Glutton vs The Sexual Gourmet
#160: Erotic Wickedness - How to Play with Power Exchange
#159: Practice Expressing Your Feelings For Greater Connection and Better Sex
#158: Let’s Talk About Our Sex
#157: Love Your Breasts
#156: Ditch the Sex Myths
#155: Relax Into Orgasm
#154: When A Woman Is Free To Be Herself Sex Takes On A Spiritual Dimension
#153: It All Starts With A Kiss…
#152: The Ecstasy is in the Spaces In-Between
#151: Radical Honesty
#150: Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength
#149: Your New Year's Resolution - Have Better Sex
#148: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All
#147: A Beautiful Vulva is Like A Luscious Hamburger
#146: Come From a Place of "Yes"!
#145: Finger Finesse
#144: Reluctance is Not frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!
#143: Tantra: The Art of Mindful Sex
#142: Love Thy Partner
#141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’
#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines
#139: Sex is the Base of Being Human
#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women (and their Partners) Deserve
#137: Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain
#136: Have Sex with God…
#135: So Many Boxes - So Little Freedom
#134: How to Move Forward When Your Partner Has Betrayed You
#133: The Reason Why Humans Are So Sexual
#132: Partnered Yoga - Erotic Connection
#131: Make Love Like You’re Playing An Instrument For Ultimate Sensual Pleasure
#130: How to Talk to Kids About Sex - and why you need to
#129: Inviting A Third (or fourth or more…) - the right way to play
#128: Does Size Really Matter?
#127: The Way of the Householder - how to make the everyday sublime
#126: Our Bodies Are the Best Sex Toy Ever
#125: Honour Your Genitals for Exquisite Sex - the Why and How
#124: Tango Tantra - Make Your Love Life Blissfully Connected
#123: The Yin & Yang of Sex Chemistry
#122: DIY Porn - It’s A Fun Way to Add Spice to Your Love Life
#121: Move Beyond Sleaze and Shame and Discover The Third Wave of Sexuality
#120: Don’t Fake It Till You Make It - ‘Cause You Won’t Make It
#119: Give Your Man Absolute Pleasure...Try Prostate Massage
#118: We’re All Individuals! There are Spectra of Sexuality
#117: My Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!
#116: Can Fisting Be Fabulous?
#115: Ten Reasons Why Married Women Have Affairs, and What To Do When She Does
#114: Mutual Pleasure Requires Mutual Responsibility - how to expand your sex play safely
#113: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - how to add restraint to your sex life
#112: What’s Your Eroticism - Intimate, Wild, Fun?
#111: 10 Tips For Your Vagina
#110: When the Man Leads, the Woman Embellishes
#109: Unblock Sexual Energy for Greater Love
#108: The Sensual Dom(me)
#107: Explore Your Fantasies
#106: Dress-Ups! How to have fun with role-play.
#105: Consensual Non-Monotony
#104: Consensual Non-Monogamy
#103: Languid 69
#102: Sensual Non-Monogamy
#101: Make Love to Yourself - Mindful Masturbation for Women
#100: Celibacy, Sexuality and Spirituality
Bloglovin
#99: Spice Alone Tastes Terrible...
#98: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
#97: Plugging In - Sex Without Movement
#96: Growing Better With Age
#95: Teaching Tantra in Paradise
#94: Time Apart Can Be Erotic
#93: When He's Lost Interest
#92: Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me?
#91: If Sex Hurts, Change What You're Doing
#90: Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner
#89: Trust Your Body
#88: Chill Out in Your Sanctuary
#87: Planning for Pleasure
#86: Make the Lead-Up Erotic
#85: Advice from Japanese Grandmothers on How to Be Beautiful
#84: If You Want A Mature Relationship You Have To Be Mature
#83: How Often Should We Have Sex?
#82: Slay the Pink Elephants!
#81: The Tantric Lounge Radio Show - Talking Sex, Science and Spirituality
#80: What Do Men Love Best About Sex?
#79: Fetishes are Fine
#78: The Awesomeness of Men Who Are Present
#77: Sex Doesn't Have to Involve the Genitals
#76: Winter's a Time for Sexual Growth
#75: An Erection Does Not Have To Be Serviced
#74: "My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm"
#73: To Come or Not To Come
#72: Know Your Sexual Rhythm
#71: Fill Up Your Self-Love Tank
#70: The Cup-of-Tea Approach to Sexual Self-Coaching
#69: Trust Means Being OK with Not Knowing
#68: Renegotiate Your Contract
#67: Breathe Together - It's Tantric Foreplay
#66: The Number One Secret to Good Sex
#65: An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away - why sex is so good for you
#64: Teaching Sex Therapists Tantra
#63: Is “Good Enough” Sex Good Enough?
#62: Observing Love
#61: There Is Always A Lower Desire Partner
#60: You Can't Find Balance, You Have To Craft It
#59: Sexual, Spiritual Business Leaders
#58: Positive Messages in 50 Shades of Grey
#57: Playing with Pleasure and Pain
#56: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - Advanced
#55: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - The Basics
#54: Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica
#53: Tantric Kink
#52: Tools for Self-Validation from a Luscious Woman
#51: How to Master the Art of Vaginal Stimulation
#50: Discover the G, A and Ohhhh-Spots
#49: The Tantric Quickie
#48: We All Need To Be Balanced in Our Masculine and Feminine Sides
#47: One Couple's "Kilimanjaro Walk" to Sexual Reconnection
#46: Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Gal
#45: The Etiquette of Observing Breasts
#44: The World is Waking to Conscious Sex
#43: Try A Little Tenderness
#42: Erotica or Sleaze
#41: A Sensual Man Makes A Great Lover
#40: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality
#39: What is Sex Therapy, Sex Coaching and Tantra Teaching?
#38: The Beauty of Conflict
#37: A Woman's Body Opens In Stages
#36: Breathe Well: Live & Love Well
#35: Phone Sex
#34: Do Your Research - It's Fun!
#33: Unconditional Love Requires Self-validation
#32: Men Need a Muse Not Just A Vagina
#31: Teaching Tantra in Thailand
#30: Being Real
#29: Twelve Benefits of Sex
#28: Communicate - Human's Can't Read Minds!
#27: True Intimacy
#26: The Core of Tantra: Real Sex
#25: Sex as Entree not Dessert
#24: Fire and Water: The Masculine and Feminine Sexual Energies
#23: High Libido Women Keep Themselves Simmering
#22: The Breadth of Sexuality & the Importance of Fun
#21: Prioritising Sex
#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma
#19: Not-So-Secret Men's Business
#18: Could We Have A Festival of Sexuality?
#17: Three Things a Whole Man Needs
#16: Valuing the Masculine
#15: Valuing the Feminine
#14: Face the Darkness to Find the Light
#13: Grow Up and Open Up Australia
#12: How Men Can Circulate Sexual Energy
#11: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!
#10: Sexual Pleasure is the Great Equalizer
#9: Become a Black Belt in the Bedroom!
#8: Neuroplasticity - Moulding Your Brain for Better Sex
#7: Raise Your Sexual Energy
#6: How To Consume An Ice-Cream - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 2
#5: How To Eat A Peach - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 1
#4: Love in the Time of Chaos
#3: A History of Sexual Misinformation
#2: Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth
#1: The Birth of the LoveLife Blog - with some underlying philosophical ramblings

#376: What is Transpersonal Sexology
#366: The Seven Flavours of Sex
#365: Live in the "Simmer Zone"
#364: Suggest Don't Ask
#363: Take the Pressure Off Your Penis!
#362: Don't Let Your Primitive Brain Rule Your Relationship
#361: Great Sex is Not About Speed
#360: Sexual KPIs - Key Pleasure Indicators
#359: Your Relationship is Like a Boat that Carries you through Life
#358: Talk 'Erotic' Not 'Dirty'
#357: Great Sex is Rarely Spontaneous
#356: Approaching Sex As A Spiritual Practice
#355: You're Not Alone - Sexual Struggle is Normal
#354: Let Nature Boost Your Libido
#353: Invite and Envelop
#352: A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
#351: How to "Start the Dominos Falling"
#350: Move Towards Love-Led not Lust-Led Sex
#349: The Yin & Yang of Erotic Physiology
#348: Should Age Like A Fine Wine
#347: We All Need To “Come Out” To Our Unique Sexuality
#346: Burn Away the Undergrowth to Allow New Growth
#345: Don't Push a Relationship to Crisis Point, End It Sooner
#344: When It Gets Awkward in Bed
#343: It's Normal to Find Other People Attractive
#342: The Dance of Initiation
#341: We All Need A Phone Policy!
#340: What Comes Before Consent
#339: More than Sex-Positive, We Need to be Sex-Comfortable
#338: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill!
#337: You Can't Search for Love. It's Already There. You Can Only Remove the Barriers to Let It In
#336: How to Communicate Complaints Effectively
#335: Nurture Your Soul with Sex
#334: How to Express Your Emotions Without Being "Emotional"
#333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?
#332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
#331: It's Ok to Disappoint Your Partner
#330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
#329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
#328: Safety is Sexy
#327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
#326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
#325: When Things Get Wobbly Assume the Best and Get Curious
#324: How Alike do you Need to be to Have a Good Relationship
#323: Be "At Home" in Your Body
#322: Don't Ever Stop Kissing
#321: Consent From the Inside
#320: How To Say No Without It Feeling Like Rejection
#319: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 3: Sexual Transformation
#318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
#317: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 1: Personal Transformation
#316: Take Your Partner Off A Sexual Pedestal
#315: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other
#314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
#313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
#312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
#311: The Bridgerton Effect
#310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
#309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
#308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
#307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In-the-moment and the Debrief
#306: What I Desire
#305: Lazy Sex
#304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect - It's Human!
#303: The Art of the Thrust
#302: Transformational Erotica
#301: Sex As Embodied Mindfulness Practice
#300: So Many Ways to Eat, So Many Ways to…
#299: Date Night or Date Day?
#298: Teenage Love-Making
#297: Turning Sex Lives Upside-Down - It's My Life's Work!
#296: The Sex Store in Your Pantry
#295: Do You PIV or VEP When You Have Sex?
#294: Take Your Penis for a Walk!
#293: It's Time to Let Our Souls Catch-Up
#292: Become a Sensual Explorer
#291: Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me
#290: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex
#289: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana
#288: Love in the Time of COVID-19
#287: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried
#286: Meditate Your Way to Great Sex
#285: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Like Kissing - what to do?
#284: Communing - deep intimate connection
#283: Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - how do we do it safely?
#282: On Being A Human in a Female Body
#281: Q&A: How Do We Connect After So Much Stress?
#280: Get A Life! Your Sex Drive Needs the Dopamine
#279: Q&A: My Husband Is Having An Affair and I'm Relieved
#278: Stocking Up Your Love Larder - the key to spontaneous sex
#277: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?
#276: Intercourse as Foreplay
#275: Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex
#274: Bake Your Cake Before You Ice It - the foundation of great sex
#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?
#272: How Has Sex Helped You Grow - Research Participants Wanted!
#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage
#270: Optimal Sexuality - Reaching Your Sexual Potential
#269: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?
#268: It's the Sum of the Small Things
#267: Q&A: How Do We Reignite Our Love Life
#266: Relationship Vitamins
#265: I See You as Lover - the importance of attention in loving well
#264: The Pleasure of A Soft Cock
#263: Make Every Stroke Count
#262: You Can Make Love With Just A Kiss
#261: Finding the 'More' - the Spiritual Dimensions of Sex
#260: How to Stay In Love
#259: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 2: How
#258: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 1: What
#257: Simple Sex is Good Sex
#256: Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation
#255: Own the Crone
#254: Porn Star versus Prude
#253: “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”
#252: Non-Linear Love-Making: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex
#251: Make Your Bedroom A Sanctuary
#250: Sexy Debriefing
#249: Getting "Love Drunk"
#248: Make-Over Your Sex Life
#247: Be Real, Express Freely
#246: The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong
#245: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?
#244: Gigglegasms
#243: Evolve with the Seven Elements of Sexuality
#242: Getting to Sex can be Like Getting to the Gym
#241: Intensity Repels, Enticement Attracts. Like Chocolate Cake.
#240: Turn Yourself On and the World Turns On To You
#239: Therapy is Composting Your Sh*t
#238: Are You Flat-lining or Surfing in Life?
#237: How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Sex & Relationships
#236: The Clitoris is Not an On-Off Button
#235: The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution
#234: Allow Self-Indulgence
#233: Are You Relationship-Oriented?
#232: Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex
#231: A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities
#230: Sink In to Sync In
#229: Penises - does size really matter?
#228: What To Do When He Can't Come
#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex
#226: Merge Sex & Love Energies for Potent Connection
#225: Sex is a Normal Part of Life
#224: We Judge ‘Normal’ Sex Based on Our Own Experiences
#223: How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways...
#222: Project 'Great Sex'
#221: Beforeplay Suggestions
#220: Foreplay and Beforeplay
#219: How to Heighten Sensory Pleasure
#218: The Bedroom is for Expression, Not Suppression
#217: The Three Types of Sex All Couples Need
#216: Things that make you go 'mmm' and things that make you go 'ngh'
#215: Libido - the Interplay of Desire and Arousal
#214: The Good and Bad of Porn
#213: Bad Communication Styles - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
#212: My Journey to Becoming A Transpersonal Sexologist
#211: Seven Sex Tips for Busy People
#210: Penises Love A Soft Touch
#209: Share Before You Fix
#208: The Best Thing A Father Can Do
#207: The Exquisiteness of a Relaxed Vagina
#206: The Look of Love - Eye-Gazing
#205: Quanta of Deliciousness
#204: How to Maintain the “Mmm-Factor”
#203: How to Have 'Dirty' Sex With Someone You Love
#202: Seven Benefits of Attending A LoveLife Couples Tantra Retreat
#201: Make Sex Your Hobby
#200: Partnered Sex is Not Solo Sex for Two
#199: Melting Moments
#198: Your Partner Can't Be Everything To You
#197: Sex is Good, Sleep is Better!
#196: Savour Sex
#195: How To Live A Tantric Life
#194: Be Kind - It Works
#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries
#192: Good Rest=Good Sex
#191: We Need Bliss
#190: Being Sexually Receptive is Not Being Sexually Passive
#189: So Much Love
#188: A High-Quality Relationship is a High-Maintenance Relationship
#187: Sex as Spiritual Practice
#186: Playing with the Yin and Yang of Sex
#185: The Yin and Yang of Sex
#184: Third Level Love-Making
#183: Vive La Difference!
#182: What Is a Marriage Sabbatical and Why Take One?
#181: The Basic Sexual Unit is One
#180: A Penis is for Connection, not Penetration
#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'
#178: Big Sex is Beautiful Sex
#177: Women Are Not 'Naturally' Monogamous
#176: Sex Therapy and Couples Retreats - What to do if you have a Reluctant Partner
#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex
#174: Mums and Dads Need "Cuddle Time"
#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner
#172: Is Porn Making Women Less Feminine?
#171: Is Porn Making Men Less Masculine?
#170: Rough Sex
#169: The Three Pillars of Love
#168: Seven Benefits of Attending My Couples Retreats
#167: Ban Penetration - the word, not the act!
#166: Solo Cultivation - Mindful Masturbation for Men
#165: Our Bodies Thrive on Pleasure
#164: Leela: Cosmic Play, Sexual Play
#163: Toys for Grown-Ups
#162: Backdoor Pleasures - how to enjoy anal sex
#161: The Sexual Glutton vs The Sexual Gourmet
#160: Erotic Wickedness - How to Play with Power Exchange
#159: Practice Expressing Your Feelings For Greater Connection and Better Sex
#158: Let’s Talk About Our Sex
#157: Love Your Breasts
#156: Ditch the Sex Myths
#155: Relax Into Orgasm
#154: When A Woman Is Free To Be Herself Sex Takes On A Spiritual Dimension
#153: It All Starts With A Kiss…
#152: The Ecstasy is in the Spaces In-Between
#151: Radical Honesty
#150: Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength
#149: Your New Year's Resolution - Have Better Sex
#148: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All
#147: A Beautiful Vulva is Like A Luscious Hamburger
#146: Come From a Place of "Yes"!
#145: Finger Finesse
#144: Reluctance is Not frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!
#143: Tantra: The Art of Mindful Sex
#142: Love Thy Partner
#141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’
#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines
#139: Sex is the Base of Being Human
#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women (and their Partners) Deserve
#137: Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain
#136: Have Sex with God…
#135: So Many Boxes - So Little Freedom
#134: How to Move Forward When Your Partner Has Betrayed You
#133: The Reason Why Humans Are So Sexual
#132: Partnered Yoga - Erotic Connection
#131: Make Love Like You’re Playing An Instrument For Ultimate Sensual Pleasure
#130: How to Talk to Kids About Sex - and why you need to
#129: Inviting A Third (or fourth or more…) - the right way to play
#128: Does Size Really Matter?
#127: The Way of the Householder - how to make the everyday sublime
#126: Our Bodies Are the Best Sex Toy Ever
#125: Honour Your Genitals for Exquisite Sex - the Why and How
#124: Tango Tantra - Make Your Love Life Blissfully Connected
#123: The Yin & Yang of Sex Chemistry
#122: DIY Porn - It’s A Fun Way to Add Spice to Your Love Life
#121: Move Beyond Sleaze and Shame and Discover The Third Wave of Sexuality
#120: Don’t Fake It Till You Make It - ‘Cause You Won’t Make It
#119: Give Your Man Absolute Pleasure...Try Prostate Massage
#118: We’re All Individuals! There are Spectra of Sexuality
#117: My Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!
#116: Can Fisting Be Fabulous?
#115: Ten Reasons Why Married Women Have Affairs, and What To Do When She Does
#114: Mutual Pleasure Requires Mutual Responsibility - how to expand your sex play safely
#113: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - how to add restraint to your sex life
#111: 10 Tips For Your Vagina
#112: What’s Your Eroticism - Intimate, Wild, Fun?
#110: When the Man Leads, the Woman Embellishes
#109: Unblock Sexual Energy for Greater Love
#108: The Sensual Dom(me)
#107: Explore Your Fantasies
#106: Dress-Ups! How to have fun with role-play.
#105: Consensual Non-Monotony
#104: Consensual Non-Monogamy
#103: Languid 69
#102: Sensual Non-Monogamy
#101: Make Love to Yourself - Mindful Masturbation for Women
#100: Celibacy, Sexuality and Spirituality
#99: Spice Alone Tastes Terrible...
#98: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
#97: Plugging In - Sex Without Movement
#96: Growing Better With Age
#95: Teaching Tantra in Paradise
#94: Time Apart Can Be Erotic
#93: When He's Lost Interest
#92: Q&A: Why Doesn’t Porn Do It for Me?
#91: If Sex Hurts, Change What You're Doing
#90: Some Words for the Lower Desire Partner
#89: Trust Your Body
#88: Chill Out in Your Sanctuary
#87: Planning for Pleasure
#86: Make the Lead-Up Erotic
#85: Advice from Japanese Grandmothers on How to be Beautiful
#84: If You Want A Mature Relationship You Have To Be Mature
#83: How Often Should We Have Sex?
#82: Slay the Pink Elephants!
#81: The Tantric Lounge Radio Show - Talking Sex, Science and Spirituality
#80: What Do Men Love Best About Sex?
#79: Fetishes are Fine
#78: The Awesomeness of Men Who Are Present
#77: Sex Doesn't Have to Involve the Genitals
#76: Winter's a Time for Sexual Growth
#75: An Erection Does Not Have To Be Serviced
#74: "My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm"
#73: To Come or Not To Come
#72: Know Your Sexual Rhythm
#71: Fill Up Your Self-Love Tank
#70: The Cup-of-Tea Approach to Sexual Self-Coaching
#69: Trust Means Being OK with Not Knowing
#68: Renegotiate Your Contract
#67: Breathe Together - It's Tantric Foreplay
#66: The Number One Secret to Good Sex
#65: An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away - why sex is so good for you
#64: Teaching Sex Therapists Tantra
#63: Is “Good Enough” Sex Good Enough?
#62: Observing Love
#61: There Is Always A Lower Desire Partner
#60: You Can't Find Balance, You Have To Craft It
#59: Sexual, Spiritual Business Leaders
#58: Positive Messages in 50 Shades of Grey
#57: Playing with Pleasure and Pain
#56: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - Advanced
#55: Pelvic Floor Pleasures - The Basics
#54: Three Good Reasons To Read Erotica
#53: Tantric Kink
#52: Tools for Self-Validation from a Luscious Woman
#51: How to Master the Art of Vaginal Stimulation
#50: Discover the G, A and Ohhhh-Spots
#49: The Tantric Quickie
#48: We All Need To Be Balanced in Our Masculine and Feminine Sides
#47: One Couple's "Kilimanjaro Walk" to Sexual Reconnection
#46: Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Gal
#45: The Etiquette of Observing Breasts
#44: The World is Waking to Conscious Sex
#43: Try A Little Tenderness
#42: Erotica or Sleaze
#41: A Sensual Man Makes A Great Lover
#40: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality
#39: What is Sex Therapy, Sex Coaching and Tantra Teaching?
#38: The Beauty of Conflict
#37: A Woman's Body Opens In Stages
#36: Breathe Well: Live & Love Well
#35: Phone Sex
#34: Do Your Research - It's Fun!
#33: Unconditional Love Requires Self-validation
#32: Men Need a Muse Not Just A Vagina
#31: Teaching Tantra in Thailand
#30: Being Real
#29: Twelve Benefits of Sex
#28: Communicate - Human's Can't Read Minds!
#27: True Intimacy
#26: The Core of Tantra: Real Sex
#25: Sex as Entree not Dessert
#24: Fire and Water: The Masculine and Feminine Sexual Energies
#23: High Libido Women Keep Themselves Simmering
#22: The Breadth of Sexuality & the Importance of Fun
#21: Prioritising Sex
#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma
#19: Not-So-Secret Men's Business
#18: Could We Have A Festival of Sexuality?
#17: Three Things a Whole Man Needs
#16: Valuing the Masculine
#15: Valuing the Feminine
#14: Face the Darkness to Find the Light
#13: Grow Up and Open Up Australia
#12: How Men Can Circulate Sexual Energy
#11: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!
#10: Sexual Pleasure is the Great Equalizer
#9: Become a Black Belt in the Bedroom!
#8: Neuroplasticity - Moulding Your Brain for Better Sex
#7: Raise Your Sexual Energy
#6: How To Consume An Ice-Cream - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 2
#5: How To Eat A Peach - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 1
#4: Love in the Time of Chaos
#3: A History of Sexual Misinformation
#2: Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth
#1: The Birth of the LoveLife Blog - with some underlying philosophical ramblings

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