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The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
Consider sex an energy rather than a behaviour. Just as we can sense love, and feel the energy of love with our hearts, the energy of sex is the same. With sex though, the energy comes from our pelvis, our sexual centre.
But it’s not the ‘horny’ sense of sexual arousal, with an energy that wants to leave the body. That’s part of sex, sure. But the true sexual energy is a vital, life-giving force that rises upwards in the body, keeping us young and enlivened. When you let the sexual energy rise in this way, and combine it with your love energy, it becomes a beautiful potent energy that you can share with your partner all throughout your life. It connects you, nourishing your relationship and keeping an erotic flow going between you. This can be cultivated in myriad small ways of looks, smiles, acts of sweetness, through to longer friendly, intimate and sexual encounters. You feel it when you are together and also when you are apart.
After attending one of my couples retreats, one man described this as though their connection was “a frequency that had shifted from AM to FM”.
More recently, a male client described it as ”a lingering sense of each other”, which I think... read more
This piece of erotic fiction is the Creative Synthesis I wrote as part of the research dissertation for my Masters of Science degree in Consciousness, Spirituality and Transpersonal Psychology. The research topic was: A Heuristic Inquiry into the Transformative Potential of Optimal Sexuality within a Relational Context. You'll find reading this erotic fiction an easy and enjoyable way of getting across the findings - which is essentially the essence of the overall approach in this blog...
Her:You wake. It’s the eighth anniversary of F-Day – Freedom Day. The day you discovered your tedious husband was bonking one of the attendants at the golf club. You’ll never forget the feeling – first a numbness from the shock, then an incredible feeling of release. It was as though something woke up in your belly, in your womb, and slowly expanded throughout your body, awakening a joy, a release, an aliveness you hadn’t felt in years, if ever. You recall your surprise as it actually felt sexual, this feeling of your whole body being awake and alive. Nothing like the dutiful dull, late-night rutting of your husband relieving himself inside you – not that that happened much anymore, he seemed as jaded by it all as you; nor anything like the early... read more
To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.
One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting in to sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people are in need of. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.
So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex.
It’s that ability to ‘sink in’ to yourself, that deep, calm feeling that’s so good for sex. This is especially so for long-term partners, where the 'va-va-voom let’s-go-for-it-baby' approach, that you might have had in the early days, has waned. Well, let’s face it, when you’ve been... read more
There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'.
Nothing, and there’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:
- It’s lovely and soft and malleable.
- It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled.
- It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
- Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock, particularly anal sex.
- You can even have sex with a completely soft cock. It’s part of the subtle approach I encourage, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the ecstatic sensations that arise.
I often say that all the dysfunctions we have around sex are more to do with society's dysfunctional model of sex, rather than the people doing it. I've written elsewhere how the model of 'normal' sex is based on solo masturbation rather than partnered love-making. This makes it structured and linear, with success measured by action and performance, rather than being free-flowing and non-linear, with success measured by feeling and connectedness.
Since 'sex' is seen as having key KPIs of penis-in-vagina activity (god only knows what lesbians do) with requisite orgasms, all of which happens in a set linear way, it means that out of fear/awkwardness/confusion/distaste people avoid any kind of love-making or even affection so as avoid what they see as ‘sex’ - and then feel really bad about not having sex!
It’s a bit of a catch-22 type of situation.
As I pointed out to a client caught in this dilemma on her first visit recently: you can make love with just a kiss. When she returned on her next visit she looked quite different.
“So how have the last two weeks been,” I asked, my standard first question.
So many people who come to me are wanting more from their sexuality, but are at a loss as to what that ‘more’ might be.
These people might already have done their own research or seen other professional helpers. They've made sure their genitals are functioning, have given themselves permission to try different sexual activities, learned the importance of consent – and yes, these are all important parts of a healthy sex life – yet something is still missing…
The answer to the ‘more’ in sex is not a doing more, it’s a being more.
It is about moving away from sex as an ‘act’ or a ‘performance’ and engaging with another with openness and transparency. Rather than ‘doing’ each other or ‘getting each other off’, it’s about both surrendering to the experience. When two people engage in this way you are allowing yourself to explore, express and be known at the deepest levels of your being.
- mindful, in that your mind is not distracted but is fully present;
- bodyful, in that you are completely embodied, experiencing fully through the whole of your physicality; and it becomes
- soulful, in that you discover... read more
- #318: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 2: Relational Transformation
- #317: The Benefits of a Great Love Life Part 1: Personal Transformation
- #316: Take Your Partner Off A Sexual Pedestal
- #315: Finesse Your Expertise on Each Other
- #314: A Lingering Sense of Each Other
- #313: How Do You Know When You're Having Good Sex?
- #312: Conflict is Inevitable So Learn to Prevent, Manage and Repair
- #311: The Bridgerton Effect
- #310: Cuddle plus – an essential phase of the affection-sex continuum
- #309: Moment-by-Moment Consent
- #308: How To Give (and Receive) An Erotic Spanking
- #307: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In the Moment and The Debrief
- #306: What I Desire
- #305: Lazy Sex
- #304: It's Not "Needy" to Connect, It's Human
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