The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#269: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 28, 2019


From my column in Body+Soul

I am 45 years old and have been single for 8 years since my marriage ended – I’ve been so busy raising my two kids and working it wasn’t really an issue. But now I want back in the dating game. I hate the fact that if I died tomorrow my ex-husband would be my last sexual partner. Question is… how on earth do I do it? Dating sites just don't do it for me, they seem too risky. I don’t have any physical issues, but I’m aware my body isn’t what it used to be. So how do I get my confidence back? I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship - just some action!

Answer: I had a client once who said she felt “like a very experienced virgin”. She’d had lots of sex in her life, but so long ago that facing the prospect of getting sexually active felt like being a virgin all over again.

With more people having serial relationships these days, the challenge of finding new partners is common. And as you point out, the two key issues are: how to feel confident and how to actually meet someone.
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#269: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, October 27, 2019

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#255: Own the Crone

Jacqueline Hellyer - Wednesday, May 01, 2019


1 May 2019

Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.

I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.

It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.

It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.

The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she's considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she had children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.

And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use was she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.

Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon... read more

#255: Own the Crone

Jacqueline Hellyer - Wednesday, May 01, 2019

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#254: Porn Star versus Prude

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, April 14, 2019

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#249: Getting "Love Drunk"

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, January 27, 2019

You can tell when a woman is really aroused: her face glazes over.

She’ll feel kind of “stoned” or “love drunk” on the inside and she’ll look it on the outside.

At that point her brain is switching off (or at least, the left “logical” side of her brain), and her speech centres shut down so she can’t really talk. It’s quite an altered state of consciousness.

When she gets to that state she’s acting on pure feeling, there’s no control or planning or thinking that she should or shouldn’t do something. She just is. That’s when her sexual expression becomes pure and real.

Interestingly, it’s also when she can become the wildest. Because at that point the limiting beliefs and thought processes that get in the way of true sexual expression aren’t functioning - so she’s truly free.

Some women drink alcohol or take party drugs as a short cut to get to this stage, where the inhibitions are gone and she’s feeling free. That’s not a healthy way to get there though. It’s far better to get there naturally.

This requires real letting-go, which is tricky for modern women with... read more

#249: Getting "Love Drunk"

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, January 27, 2019

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#236: The Clitoris is Not an On/Off Button

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 08, 2018

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#236: The Clitoris Is Not an On-Off Button

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 08, 2018

The clitoris is a wonderful thing, one that leads to many and varied delights - but it is not an on / off button.

The clitoris is not the spot that turns a woman on.

In fact, a woman has to be already turned on before you touch her clitoris.

Once she is already turned on and feeling quite aroused, then the clitoris can be a portal to greater pleasure. But if you go there too quickly it can feel unpleasant, invasive, even painful, and certainly not pleasurable.

A bunch of physiological processes cascade in a woman’s arousal. The cascade can start as a small trickle, then build up to a full-on waterfall of arousal - if you let it. Too much intensity too quickly can short circuit that arousal and cause the cascade to “dry up” so to speak.

That process, her arousal, starts way before she’s even thinking about sex. It starts with the way the two of you relate: the kind words and thoughtful gestures, the laughter and enjoyment you share. When you have that as the basis, then she’ll be in the mood for embracing and kissing. If that’s going well, then, and only then,... read more

#234: Allow Self-Indulgence

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 10, 2018

One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.

I'm going to speak directly to female readers here, because I find that women have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.

Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.

Now there are some ‘precious princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I'm not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually.

Sex as letting go, opening up, being real, requires self-indulgence. As a woman it requires you to open to the experience, to allow pleasure, wonder and ecstasy.

Yet so many women hold themselves back from experiencing this pleasure. So many women hold back from allowing themselves the indulgence of engaging and receiving pleasure.

Which is such a shame! Because the more a woman lets herself go in this way,... read more

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